Back to Methuselah · Part III (2/2) (6/6)

| | The President* rapidly puts the peg in the switchboard; works the dial; and presses the button. The screen becomes transparent; and the Negress, brilliantly dressed, appears on what looks like the bridge of a steam yacht in glorious sea weather. The installation with which she is communicating is beside the binnacle. | | Confucius | Looking round, and recoiling with a shriek of disgust. Ach! Avaunt! Avaunt! He rushes from the room. | | Burge-Lubin | What part of the coast is that? | | The Negress | Fishguard Bay. Why not run over and join me for the afternoon? I am disposed to be approachable at last. | | Burge-Lubin | But Fishguard! Two hundred and seventy miles! | | The Negress | There is a lightning express on the Irish Air Service at half-past sixteen. They will drop you by a parachute in the bay. The dip will do you good. I will pick you up and dry you and give you a first-rate time. | | Burge-Lubin | Delightful. But a little risky, isn’t it? | | The Negress | Risky! I thought you were afraid of nothing. | | Burge-Lubin | I am not exactly afraid; but⁠— | | The Negress | Offended. But you think it is not good enough. Very well. She raises her hand to take the peg out of her switchboard. | | Burge-Lubin | Imploringly. No: stop: let me explain: hold the line just one moment. Oh, please. | | The Negress | Waiting with her hand poised over the peg. Well? | | Burge-Lubin | The fact is, I have been behaving very recklessly for some time past under the impression that my life would be so short that it was not worth bothering about. But I have just learnt that I may live⁠—well, much longer than I expected. I am sure your good sense will tell you that this alters the case. I⁠— | | The Negress | With suppressed rage. Oh, quite. Pray don’t risk your precious, life on my account. Sorry for troubling you. Goodbye. She snatches out her peg and vanishes. | | Burge-Lubin | Urgently. No: please hold on. I can convince you⁠—A loud buzz-uzz-uzz. Engaged! Who is she calling up now? Represses the button and calls. The Chief Secretary. Say I want to see him again, just for a moment. | | Confucius’s Voice | Is the woman gone? | | Burge-Lubin | Yes, yes: it’s all right. Just a moment, if⁠—Confucius returns. Confucius: I have some important business at Fishguard. The Irish Air Service can drop me in the bay by parachute. I suppose it’s quite safe, isn’t it? | | Confucius | Nothing is quite safe. The air service is as safe as any other travelling service. The parachute is safe. But the water is not safe. | | Burge-Lubin | Why? They will give me an unsinkable tunic, won’t they? | | Confucius | You will not sink; but the sea is very cold. You may get rheumatism for life. | | Burge-Lubin | For life! That settles it: I won’t risk it. | | Confucius | Good. You have at last become prudent: you are no longer what you call a sportsman: you are a sensible coward, almost a grown-up man. I congratulate you. | | Burge-Lubin | Resolutely. Coward or no coward, I will not face an eternity of rheumatism for any woman that ever was born. He rises and goes to the rack for his fillet. I have changed my mind: I am going home. He cocks the fillet rakishly. Good evening. | | Confucius | So early? If the Minister of Health rings you up, what shall I tell her? | | Burge-Lubin | Tell her to go to the devil. He goes out. | | Confucius | Shaking his head, shocked at the President’s* impoliteness. No. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, these English! these crude young civilizations! Their manners! Hogs. Hogs. |