Major Barbara · Act I (2/2) (2/3)

| Stephen | We cannot take money from him. I had rather go and live in some cheap place like Bedford Square or even Hampstead than take a farthing of his money. | | Lady Britomart | But after all, Stephen, our present income comes from Andrew. | | Stephen | Shocked. I never knew that. | | Lady Britomart | Well, you surely didn’t suppose your grandfather had anything to give me. The Stevenages could not do everything for you. We gave you social position. Andrew had to contribute something. He had a very good bargain, I think. | | Stephen | Bitterly. We are utterly dependent on him and his cannons, then! | | Lady Britomart | Certainly not: the money is settled. But he provided it. So you see it is not a question of taking money from him or not: it is simply a question of how much. I don’t want any more for myself. | | Stephen | Nor do I. | | Lady Britomart | But Sarah does; and Barbara does. That is, Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins will cost them more. So I must put my pride in my pocket and ask for it, I suppose. That is your advice, Stephen, is it not? | | Stephen | No. | | Lady Britomart | Sharply. Stephen! | | Stephen | Of course if you are determined⁠— | | Lady Britomart | I am not determined: I ask your advice; and I am waiting for it. I will not have all the responsibility thrown on my shoulders. | | Stephen | Obstinately. I would die sooner than ask him for another penny. | | Lady Britomart | Resignedly. You mean that I must ask him. Very well, Stephen: It shall be as you wish. You will be glad to know that your grandfather concurs. But he thinks I ought to ask Andrew to come here and see the girls. After all, he must have some natural affection for them. | | Stephen | Ask him here!!! | | Lady Britomart | Do not repeat my words, Stephen. Where else can I ask him? | | Stephen | I never expected you to ask him at all. | | Lady Britomart | Now don’t tease, Stephen. Come! you see that it is necessary that he should pay us a visit, don’t you? | | Stephen | Reluctantly. I suppose so, if the girls cannot do without his money. | | Lady Britomart | Thank you, Stephen: I knew you would give me the right advice when it was properly explained to you. I have asked your father to come this evening. Stephen bounds from his seat. Don’t jump, Stephen: it fidgets me. | | Stephen | In utter consternation. Do you mean to say that my father is coming here tonight⁠—that he may be here at any moment? | | Lady Britomart | Looking at her watch. I said nine. He gasps. She rises. Ring the bell, please. Stephen goes to the smaller writing table; presses a button on it; and sits at it with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands, outwitted and overwhelmed. It is ten minutes to nine yet; and I have to prepare the girls. I asked Charles Lomax and Adolphus to dinner on purpose that they might be here. Andrew had better see them in case he should cherish any delusions as to their being capable of supporting their wives. The butler enters: Lady Britomart goes behind the settee to speak to him. Morrison: go up to the drawing-room and tell everybody to come down here at once. Morrison* withdraws. Lady Britomart turns to Stephen. Now remember, Stephen, I shall need all your countenance and authority. He rises and tries to recover some vestige of these attributes. Give me a chair, dear. He pushes a chair forward from the wall to where she stands, near the smaller writing table. She sits down; and he goes to the armchair, into which he throws himself. I don’t know how Barbara will take it. Ever since they made her a major in the Salvation Army she has developed a propensity to have her own way and order people about which quite cows me sometimes. It’s not ladylike: I’m sure I don’t know where she picked it up. Anyhow, Barbara shan’t bully me; but still it’s just as well that your father should be here before she has time to refuse to meet him or make a fuss. Don’t look nervous, Stephen, it will only encourage Barbara to make difficulties. I am nervous enough, goodness knows; but I don’t show it. | | | Sarah and Barbara come in with their respective young men, Charles Lomax and Adolphus Cusins. Sarah is slender, bored, and mundane. Barbara is robuster, jollier, much more energetic. Sarah is fashionably dressed: Barbara is in Salvation Army uniform. Lomax, a young man about town, is like many other young men about town. He is affected with a frivolous sense of humor which plunges him at the most inopportune moments into paroxysms of imperfectly suppressed laughter. Cusins is a spectacled student, slight, thin haired, and sweet voiced, with a more complex form of Lomax’s complaint. His sense of humor is intellectual and subtle, and is complicated by an appalling temper. The lifelong struggle of a benevolent temperament and a high conscience against impulses of inhuman ridicule and fierce impatience has set up a chronic strain which has visibly wrecked his constitution. He is a most implacable, determined, tenacious, intolerant person who by mere force of character presents himself as⁠—and indeed actually is⁠—considerate, gentle, explanatory, even mild and apologetic, capable possibly of murder, but not of cruelty or coarseness. By the operation of some instinct which is not merciful enough to blind him with the illusions of love, he is obstinately bent on marrying Barbara. Lomax likes Sarah and thinks it will be rather a lark to marry her. Consequently he has not attempted to resist Lady Britomart’s arrangements to that end. | | | All four look as if they had been having a good deal of fun in the drawing-room. The girls enter first, leaving the swains outside. Sarah comes to the settee. Barbara comes in after her and stops at the door. | | Barbara | Are Cholly and Dolly to come in? | | Lady Britomart | Forcibly. Barbara: I will not have Charles called Cholly: the vulgarity of it positively makes me ill. | | Barbara | It’s all right, mother. Cholly is quite correct nowadays. Are they to come in? | | Lady Britomart | Yes, if they will behave themselves. | | Barbara | Through the door. Come in, Dolly, and behave yourself. | | | Barbara comes to her mother’s writing table. Cusins enters smiling, and wanders towards Lady Britomart. | | Sarah | Calling. Come in, Cholly. Lomax enters, controlling his features very imperfectly, and places himself vaguely between Sarah and Barbara. | | Lady Britomart | Peremptorily. Sit down, all of you. They sit. Cusins crosses to the window and seats himself there. Lomax takes a chair. Barbara sits at the writing table and Sarah on the settee. I don’t in the least know what you are laughing at, Adolphus. I am surprised at you, though I expected nothing better from Charles Lomax. | | Cusins | In a remarkably gentle voice. Barbara has been trying to teach me the West Ham Salvation March. | | Lady Britomart | I see nothing to laugh at in that; nor should you if you are really converted. | | Cusins | Sweetly. You were not present. It was really funny, I believe. | | Lomax | Ripping. | | Lady Britomart | Be quiet, Charles. Now listen to me, children. Your father is coming here this evening. General stupefaction. | | Lomax | Remonstrating. Oh I say! | | Lady Britomart | You are not called on to say anything, Charles. | | Sarah | Are you serious, mother? | | Lady Britomart | Of course I am serious. It is on your account, Sarah, and also on Charles’s. Silence. Charles looks painfully unworthy. I hope you are not going to object, Barbara. | | Barbara | I! why should I? My father has a soul to be saved like anybody else. He’s quite welcome as far as I am concerned. | | Lomax | Still remonstrant. But really, don’t you know! Oh I say! | | Lady Britomart | Frigidly. What do you wish to convey, Charles? | | Lomax | Well, you must admit that this is a bit thick. | | Lady Britomart | Turning with ominous suavity to Cusins. Adolphus: you are a professor of Greek. Can you translate Charles Lomax’s remarks into reputable English for us? | | Cusins | Cautiously. If I may say so, Lady Brit, I think Charles has rather happily expressed what we all feel. Homer, speaking of Autolycus, uses the same phrase. πυκινον δόμον ὲλθείν. means a bit thick. | | Lomax | Handsomely. Not that I mind, you know, if Sarah don’t. | | Lady Britomart | Crushingly. Thank you. Have I your permission, Adolphus, to invite my own husband to my own house? | | Cusins | Gallantly. You have my unhesitating support in everything you do. | | Lady Britomart | Sarah: have you nothing to say? | | Sarah | Do you mean that he is coming regularly to live here? | | Lady Britomart | Certainly not. The spare room is ready for him if he likes to stay for a day or two and see a little more of you; but there are limits. | | Sarah | Well, he can’t eat us, I suppose. I don’t mind. | | Lomax | Chuckling. I wonder how the old man will take it. | | Lady Britomart | Much as the old woman will, no doubt, Charles. | | Lomax | Abashed. I didn’t mean⁠—at least⁠— | | Lady Britomart | You didn’t think, Charles. You never do; and the result is, you never mean anything. And now please attend to me, children. Your father will be quite a stranger to us. | | Lomax | I suppose he hasn’t seen Sarah since she was a little kid. | | Lady Britomart | Not since she was a little kid, Charles, as you express it with that elegance of diction and refinement of thought that seem never to desert you. Accordingly⁠—er⁠—Impatiently. Now I have forgotten what I was going to say. That comes of your provoking me to be sarcastic, Charles. Adolphus: will you kindly tell me where I was. | | Cusins | Sweetly. You were saying that as Mr. Undershaft has not seen his children since they were babies, he will form his opinion of the way you have brought them up from their behavior tonight, and that therefore you wish us all to be particularly careful to conduct ourselves well, especially Charles. | | Lomax | Look here: Lady Brit didn’t say that. | | Lady Britomart | Vehemently. I did, Charles. Adolphus’s recollection is perfectly correct. It is most important that you should be good; and I do beg you for once not to pair off into opposite corners and giggle and whisper while I am speaking to your father. | | Barbara | All right, mother. We’ll do you credit. | | Lady Britomart | Remember, Charles, that Sarah will want to feel proud of you instead of ashamed of you. | | Lomax | Oh I say! There’s nothing to be exactly proud of, don’t you know. | | Lady Britomart | Well, try and look as if there was. | | | Morrison, pale and dismayed, breaks into the room in unconcealed disorder. | | Morrison | Might I speak a word to you, my lady? | | Lady Britomart | Nonsense! Show him up. | | Morrison | Yes, my lady. He goes. | | Lomax | Does Morrison know who he is? | | Lady Britomart | Of course. Morrison has always been with us. | | Lomax | It must be a regular corker for him, don’t you know. | | Lady Britomart | Is this a moment to get on my nerves, Charles, with your outrageous expressions? | | Lomax | But this is something out of the ordinary, really⁠— | | Morrison | At the door. The⁠—er⁠—Mr. Undershaft. He retreats in confusion. | | | Andrew Undershaft comes in. All rise. Lady Britomart meets him in the middle of the room behind the settee. | | | Andrew is, on the surface, a stoutish, easygoing elderly man, with kindly patient manners, and an engaging simplicity of character. But he has a watchful, deliberate, waiting, listening face, and formidable reserves of power, both bodily and mental, in his capacious chest and long head. His gentleness is partly that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very carefully, and partly the mellowness of age and success. He is also a little shy in his present very delicate situation. | | Lady Britomart | Good evening, Andrew. | | Undershaft | How d’ye do, my dear. | | Lady Britomart | You look a good deal older. | | Undershaft | Apologetically. I am somewhat older. With a touch of courtship. Time has stood still with you. | | Lady Britomart | Promptly. Rubbish! This is your family. | | Undershaft | Surprised. Is it so large? I am sorry to say my memory is failing very badly in some things. He offers his hand with paternal kindness to Lomax. | | Lomax | Jerkily shaking his hand. Ahdedoo. | | Undershaft | I can see you are my eldest. I am very glad to meet you again, my boy. | | Lomax | Remonstrating. No but look here don’t you know⁠—Overcome. Oh I say! | | Lady Britomart | Recovering from momentary speechlessness. Andrew: do you mean to say that you don’t remember how many children you have? | | Undershaft | Well, I am afraid I⁠—. They have grown so much⁠—er. Am I making any ridiculous mistake? I may as well confess: I recollect only one son. But so many things have happened since, of course⁠—er⁠— | | Lady Britomart | Decisively. Andrew: you are talking nonsense. Of course you have only one son. | | Undershaft | Perhaps you will be good enough to introduce me, my dear. | | Lady Britomart | That is Charles Lomax, who is engaged to Sarah. | | Undershaft | My dear sir, I beg your pardon. | | Lomax | Not at all. Delighted, I assure you. | | Lady Britomart | This is Stephen. | | Undershaft | Bowing. Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Stephen. Then going to Cusins. you must be my son. Taking Cusins’ hands in his. How are you, my young friend? To Lady Britomart. He is very like you, my love. | | Cusins | You flatter me, Mr. Undershaft. My name is Cusins: engaged to Barbara. Very explicitly. That is Major Barbara Undershaft, of the Salvation Army. That is Sarah, your second daughter. This is Stephen Undershaft, your son. | | Undershaft | My dear Stephen, I beg your pardon. | | Stephen | Not at all. | | Undershaft | Mr. Cusins: I am much indebted to you for explaining so precisely. Turning to Sarah. Barbara, my dear⁠— | | Sarah | Prompting him. Sarah. | | Undershaft | Sarah, of course. They shake hands. He goes over to Barbara. Barbara⁠—I am right this time, I hope. | | Barbara | Quite right. They shake hands. | | Lady Britomart | Resuming command. Sit down, all of you. Sit down, Andrew. She comes forward and sits on the settle. Cusins also brings his chair forward on her left. Barbara and Stephen resume their seats. Lomax gives his chair to Sarah and goes for another. | | Undershaft | Thank you, my love. | | Lomax | Conversationally, as he brings a chair forward between the writing table and the settee, and offers it to Undershaft. Takes you some time to find out exactly where you are, don’t it? | | Undershaft | Accepting the chair. That is not what embarrasses me, Mr. Lomax. My difficulty is that if I play the part of a father, I shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger; and if I play the part of a discreet stranger, I may appear a callous father. | | Lady Britomart | There is no need for you to play any part at all, Andrew. You had much better be sincere and natural. | | Undershaft | Submissively. Yes, my dear: I daresay that will be best. Making himself comfortable. Well, here I am. Now what can I do for you all? | | Lady Britomart | You need not do anything, Andrew. You are one of the family. You can sit with us and enjoy yourself. | | | Lomax’s too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings. | | Lady Britomart | Outraged. Charles Lomax: if you can behave yourself, behave yourself. If not, leave the room. | | Lomax | I’m awfully sorry, Lady Brit; but really, you know, upon my soul! He sits on the settee between Lady Britomart and Undershaft*, quite overcome. |