School Stories · Work (2/2)
Enter Smith down centre.
He seats himself at table and opens a Thucydides.
Enter Conscience through ceiling R., Mephistopheles through floor L.
Conscience With a kindly smile. Precisely what I was about to remark, my dear lad. A little Thucydides would be a very good thing. Thucydides, as you doubtless know, was a very famous Athenian historian. Date?
Smith Er⁠—um⁠—let me see.
Mephistopheles Aside. Look in the Introduction and pretend you did it by accident.
Smith Having done so. 431 BC. circ.
Conscience wipes away a tear.
Conscience Thucydides made himself a thorough master of the concisest of styles.
Mephistopheles And in doing so became infernally obscure. Excuse shop.
Smith Gloomily. Hum!
Mephistopheles Sneeringly. Ha!
Long pause.
Conscience Gently. Do you not think, my dear lad, that you had better begin? Time and tide, as you are aware, wait for no man. And⁠—
Smith Yes?
Conscience Well, you know, that examination tomorrow.
Smith Yes?
Conscience You have not, I fear, a very firm grasp of the subject. However, if you work hard till eleven⁠—
Smith Gloomily. Hum! Three hours!
Mephistopheles Cheerily. Exactly so. Three hours. A little more if anything. By the way, excuse me asking, but have you prepared the subject thoroughly during the term?
Smith My dear sir! Of course!
Conscience Reprovingly. ???!!??!
Smith Well, perhaps, not quite so much as I might have done. Such a lot of things to do this term. Cricket, for instance.
Mephistopheles Rather. Talking of cricket, you seemed to be shaping rather well last Saturday. I had just run up on business, and someone told me you made eighty not out. Get your century all right?
Smith Brightening at the recollection. Just a bit⁠—117 not out. I hit⁠—but perhaps you’ve heard?
Mephistopheles Not at all, not at all. Let’s hear all about it.
Conscience* seeks to interpose, but is prevented by Mephistopheles, who eggs Smith* on to talk cricket for over an hour.
Conscience At last; in an acid voice. That is a history of the Peloponnesian war by Thucydides on the table in front of you. I thought I would mention it, in case you had forgotten.
Smith Great Scott, yes! Here, I say, I must start.
Conscience Hear! Hear!
Mephistopheles Insinuatingly. One moment. Did you say you had prepared this book during the term? Afraid I’m a little hard of hearing. Eh, what?
Smith Well⁠—er no, I have not. Have you ever played billiards with a walking-stick and five balls?
Mephistopheles Quite so, quite so. I quite understand. Don’t you distress yourself, old chap. You obviously can’t get through a whole book of Thucydides in under two hours, can you?
Conscience Severely. He might, by attentive application to study, master a considerable portion of the historian’s chef d’oeuvre in that time.
Mephistopheles Yes, and find that not one of the passages he had prepared was set in the paper.
Conscience At the least, he would, if he were to pursue the course which I have indicated, greatly benefit his mind.
Mephistopheles Gives a short, derisive laugh.
Long pause.
Mephistopheles Looking towards bookshelf. Hullo, you’ve got a decent lot of books, pommy word you have. Rodney Stone, Vice Versa, Many Cargoes. Ripping. Ever read Many Cargoes?
Conscience Glancing at his watch. I am sorry, but I must really go now. I will see you some other day.
Exit sorrowfully.
Mephistopheles Well, thank goodness he’s gone. Never saw such a fearful old bore in my life. Can’t think why you let him hang on to you so. We may as well make a night of it now, eh? No use your trying to work at this time of night.
Smith Not a bit.
Mephistopheles Did you say you’d not read Many Cargoes?
Smith Never. Only got it today. Good?
Mephistopheles Simply ripping. All short stories. Make you yell.
Smith With a last effort. But don’t you think⁠—
Mephistopheles Oh no. Besides, you can easily get up early tomorrow for the Thucydides.
Smith Of course I can. Never thought of that. Heave us Many Cargoes. Thanks.
Begins to read. Mephistopheles grins fiendishly, and vanishes through floor enveloped in red flame. Sobbing heard from the direction of the ceiling.
Scene closes.

Next morning, of course, he will oversleep himself, and his Thucydides paper will be of such a calibre that that eminent historian will writhe in his grave.