[CHAPTER 3]

[Shocker: Life Is Stressful]

The fastest and most effective way to start using the Let Them Theory is to rise above the countless tiny stressors you face every day.

You know the ones I’m talking about: the never-ending notifications on your phone, the slow Internet connections, the unexpected changes in plans, the endless meetings at work, the inconsiderate behavior of other people, the long lines, the slow walkers. These small annoyances may seem insignificant, but they aren’t.

I get that people can be annoying, and, yes, you have a lot on your plate. Modern life can feel like death by a thousand cuts—one thing after another that slowly drains your energy and stresses you out. It’s not only easy to let it get to you, it’s dumb.

You can’t control how other adults behave, and stressing about it diminishes your power. You’ll never reach the full potential of your life if you continue to allow stupid things or rude people to drain your life force.

Your time and energy are your most valuable resources, and in the next few chapters, you’ll learn how to use the Let Them Theory to protect yourself from the unnecessary stress other people are currently causing in your life.

Just stop and ask yourself: Why do you have to let a long line at the coffee shop ruin your day? Why is traffic putting you in a bad mood? Why do you feel overwhelmed when someone interrupts you during an important task? Why does the person talking loudly on their phone in public irritate you? Why does a family member’s unsolicited advice feel like a personal attack? Why does someone else’s slow pace in a busy walkway make you feel rushed?

It happens to me too. Just the other day, I went to my favorite garden to pick up some plants. There, the cashier was moving so slowly. There were only two lanes open and about five people waiting in each.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I felt myself starting to get agitated. I had a meeting I had to get to back home. I wanted to turn to the person behind me, shake my head, and say, “Can you believe this?”

But I hesitated. I saidLet Them to myself instead. The effect was immediate. I softened. Did it speed up the cashier? Nope.

It did something better. It protected me from this habit of letting little things become big stressors in my day-to-day life. The 10 extra minutes that this line was going to take wouldn’t negatively impact the rest of my day, but allowing myself to get agitated and annoyed about something I couldn’t control absolutely would. Why get stressed out about things beyond your control or that don’t really matter? How does something so small have such a large impact on you?

When you let the world around you impact your emotional state and peace of mind, you become a prisoner to these external forces. You’re letting trivial nonsense dictate your mood, drain your motivation, and steal your focus. There’s this famous quote about life from Greek philosopher Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” What does that mean? It means that your personal power is in how you react.

Learning how to respond differently to the annoying and stressful situations every day will change your life. Right now, you’re giving away all your power because you’re wasting your time and energy on things that don’t matter; or you’re burning up over things that are beyond your control. You have no idea how big of a problem this is. I didn’t either.

The reason it’s hard to manage your stress is that your reaction to what is happening around you is automatic and you feel your entire body go on edge. It’s like you get swept up in the emotion, and the next thing you know, you send the text you regret. Or you say things in the heat of the moment that you don’t really mean. Or you stand there in a really long line of people, and the anger and annoyance just build and build even though you wish they wouldn’t.

These are all examples of how your reaction to stressful and irritating situations can become a big problem in your day-to-day life. You can’t control what is happening around you, but you can control how you respond to it. Nowhere is this more evident than at an airport. In fact, if you want to feel stressed, just go to one.

The Airport Stress Test

From the check-in to security lines to people losing their minds over weather delays, missing baggage, people crowding the gates before they even start the boarding process, tight connections, getting rerouted, all the overhead space taken by the time you board, long lines at the rental car counter. . . the number of things that could stress you out are endless.

But let’s use this fact as an example to help you understand what you can control and what you can’t control. Remember the fundamental law of human nature: You can’t control what other people say, think, or do. Anytime you try to, you lose your power. You must learn to focus on what you say, think, or do. That’s how you remain in control.

Because no matter what is happening on the plane or at the airport, you still hold the power.

A few months ago, I was on a plane and the guy right behind me was coughing as if it were his last day on earth. You know that deep, chest hack that is bound to get everyone around them sick?

I didn’t think anything of it for the first few minutes, but when it continued on and on, and then he started clearing his throat, and then he kept coughing, I started to get annoyed.

I was flying to an event where I had to give a speech, and over the next couple of weeks, I was speaking at a number of big events. I could not afford to get sick and lose my voice.

I turned around to look through the crack between the seats and saw him just open-mouth coughing into the air, as if no one else was on this plane. I thought:Is this guy really going to get me sick? It’s so selfish and rude of him. I can’t get sick. I considered my options.

Being passive-aggressive wasn’t going to solve anything. As much as I kept huffing and puffing in my seat and glaring at him between the cracks trying to make evil-eye contact, he was either not picking up on my clues or he didn’t care.

I considered flagging over the flight attendant and complaining, but he was sitting right there, so he’d hear me, which would feel really weird. So I decided to turn around like a mature adult and ask him politely, “Sir, could you please cover your mouth?”

There was an awkward pause.

He nodded and then he proceeded to cough openly for the rest of the plane ride. I know this, because I kept turning around and looking through the crack between the seats. Obviously, you feel bad for the guy. It’s not like he wants to be sick. When you have to cough, you have to cough.

But in the heat of the moment, I was getting more and more annoyed. I was not only stressed out, but it was now ruining my mood and making it impossible to try to get some work done.

This is just one example of how something happening around you can easily stress you out and negatively impact your body and hijack your brain.

Your Brain on Stress

One of the experts that I interviewed while researching this book is Dr. Aditi Neurukar, a physician at Harvard Medical School and author ofThe 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience. Dr. Aditi was the medical director of Harvard’s Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital’s integrative medicine program, where she developed an enormous clinical practice in stress management using evidence-based, integrative approaches to help her patients feel better.

Dr. Aditi says, “Stress is a much bigger problem in your life than you realize.”

According to Dr. Aditi, stress causes you to doubt yourself, procrastinate, burn out, doom scroll, and struggle with comparison. If you’re having trouble focusing, feeling happy, or taking care of yourself, the reason is stress.

She also told me that if your inner critic is louder than ever, you’re struggling with procrastination, you’re constantly tired, you can’t stop scrolling on your phone, or you have trouble disconnecting from work, it’s all due to stress. Dr. Aditi explained to me that stress is way bigger than just the tension you feel in your body. Stress is a physiological state in your brain. This is important to understand because stress actively hijacks the functioning of your brain. As Dr. Aditi explained it, normally your prefrontal cortex is in control.

This part of your brain helps you run your day-to-day life. It helps you plan, organize, remember things, and guide your decision-making. To become the best version of yourself, you need to leverage this part of your brain.

The problem is that the second you “feel stressed” by the guy coughing on the plane, the line that is taking too long, or the test results you are waiting on, your brain goes into a stress response and that prefrontal cortex that is so important is no longer in control (and neither are you).

Your stress response is located in another part of your brain called the amygdala. Dr. Aditi described the amygdala as a “small, almond-shaped structure deep in your brain, located between your ears. It’s one of the oldest structures of the human brain and many refer to it as our ‘reptilian brain.’ And it houses your stress response.”

If you’ve ever heard someone refer to the “fight, flight, or freeze response,” that’s the exact same thing as your “stress response”—meaning that when you are stressed, your amygdala is in control. This can cause rash decision-making and more impulsive behaviors.

When life is normal and you’re feeling good, your prefrontal cortex is the one driving most of your actions. This means that you can logically think through the pros and cons of situations and make well-thought-out decisions. In other words, you can choose how you are going to respond.

But, whenever something happens that makes you feel stressed, this is where you and I get in trouble because the response in our bodies and brains is automatic. Your amygdala takes over automatically. And, this part of your brain has one job: survival and self-preservation.

Your brain and body kick into fight or flight, and are only designed to work in this stressed-out state for short periods of time. You are supposed to reset back to normal functioning, where your prefrontal cortex is in control and you feel calm and confident again. But what happens when you don’t reset?

The Real Reason You Are Exhausted All the Time

According to Dr. Aditi, 7 out of 10 people are currently living in a chronic state of stress. I used to be one of them. When you live in a state of chronic stress, you are locked in a constant state of fight or flight. Your amygdala is humming in the background, always on.

Dr. Aditi told me that when you’re stressed, you not onlyfeel like you’re in survival mode, but from a neurological standpoint, your brain actuallyis in survival mode. Your goals. . . your dreams. . . your best self. . . your ability to be patient and nonreactive. . . it all goes right out the window.

Which is why you must solve this problem and stop allowing other people to create unnecessary stress in your life. There’s too much at stake. You deserve to live a good life, but you’ll never be able to if you are always in survival mode.

You’ll never get that project done this weekend if you keep procrastinating because of stress.

You need to have more fun, but you won’t allow yourself to have it if you can’t disconnect from work.

You should be more present and connected to your spouse, but you never will be if you’re constantly stressed.

The life you’ve always wanted is right in front of you, but you will never reach for it if your inner critic is constantly telling you not to. Stress is a major problem and it’s time you deal with it.

Hacking Your Stress Response

So I asked Dr. Aditi how we reset our brain back to normal functioning.

She said the first step is to understand what stress actually is so that you know you have power in these situations.

For me, it was a revelation to learn that stress is your body and brain switching between two functions. It’s empowering to know that I can switch back to normal functioning and that it’s not hard to do, using the Let Them Theory.

How cool is it that you don’t have to live your life feeling like everything happening around you has to stress you out? How amazing is it that other people’s behavior doesn’t have to be a huge problem in your life?

Next, you’re going to use the Let Them Theory to reset your stress response. Think of it as an on-off switch—a little lever you can pull inside your brain whenever something happens that stresses you out.

The moment you sayLet Them, you are signaling to your brain that it’s okay: This isn’t worth stressing about. You are telling your amygdala to turn off. You are resetting that stress response by detaching from the negative emotion you feel.

Here’s how you do it: The moment anything happens that stresses you out, sayLet Them. Put yourself in pause. Then sayLet Me and take a breath.

Let Me take another breath. Slow your stress response. Calm your body and brain down. Take control and regain your power.

This seems so insignificant, but this one change will turn you into a different person. Catching your stress response usingLet Them andLet Me empowers you to choose what you say, think, or do instead of allowing your emotions to hijack your response. No more rage texts, or snapping at your loved ones, or wasting hours crafting an email at work.

The fact is, not every email warrants a response and not every conversation needs your participation—and you do not always have to have the last word.

You’ll start to see that a lot of what used to set you off isn’t worth your time and energy; and the less you react to the things around you usingLet Me, the more in control you feel.

Dr. Aditi said that taking deep breaths has been scientifically proven to help lower your stress response. Breathing in fully, feeling the air expand your belly, stimulates the vagus nerve, which sends a message directly to your brain that says, “We can calm down.”

By sayingLet Me and resetting your stress response—you are now back in control and can choose how tointentionally respond.

Own Your Reactions, Take Your Power Back

On that note: Let’s go back to me on the plane, with the guy who is coughing behind me; I’m getting more and more stressed, and I can’t focus on the work I need to get done, and I feel like a caged animal sitting there strapped to my seat.

So, how do you use the Let Them Theory to get someone to stop coughing?

You don’t. You have toLet Them cough.Let Them.

I know. . . hear me out. Yes, it was stressing me out. Yes, I thought he was rude for not covering his mouth. And yes, I was worried about getting sick.

But let’s come back to control: What could I control in this situation? I couldn’t control whether or not another person was coughing. I could only control how I responded to the coughing.

Focusing on what you can’t control makes you stressed. Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful. And that brings me to another important point: Who is responsible for me not getting sick?

Me, or this stranger on a plane?

Me. I’m responsible for my health. It’s not this guy’s responsibility to stop coughing because I want him to. It’s my responsibility to respond in a way that takes care of my needs. I know what you are thinking.

Shouldn’t everybody cover their mouth? Shouldn’t everybody wash their hands? Shouldn’t everybody follow basic guidelines of decency? Of course they should, but a lot of people don’t.

My point is, trying to manage someone else, or a situation that is beyond your control, is only going to cause you more stress. I could get mad. I could keep turning around. I could yell at the flight attendant. I could get frustrated and yell at the guy, but to what end? Isn’t there a more obvious and powerful solution right in front of my face?

I’m offering you a pragmatic and strategic approach to life.

Instead of getting enraged in my seat, I justLet Him cough, and then ILet Me focus on the simple actions I could take in order to protect myself.

I am going to cover my nose and mouth with my scarf, I thought.And I am going to put my headphones on to drown out the coughing. And that’s what I did. And with my scarf over my nose and mouth, I turned up my music in my headphones.

Problem solved.

Every time you sayLet Them, you acknowledge that you cannot control this situation that is stressing you out. When you sayLet Me, you are following Dr. Aditi’s advice and focusing on what you can control, which is your response to these stressful situations.

Dr. Aditi confirmed, “the Let Them Theory is like a sigh of relief for your stressed brain. It helps you reclaim control over your anxious thoughts so that your brain and body can finally get out of survival mode and back to thriving.”

Let Me explain why this matters. If you allow yourself to get completely stressed out, you are giving all your power to other people.

In the past, I would have allowed this guy to stress me out. I would have gotten zero work done, been exhausted by the time the plane landed, and then called my husband to complain about this idiot who ruined my entire flight. I probably would have told the story over dinner that night with the clients who had hired me to speak at the event. I would have gone on and on about how “infuriating” this situation was for me. All of which would have left me feeling even more stressed out, more worked up, and more drained.

I am explaining this in detail because I want you to see what a problem this is. When you let other people stress you out, you surrender your power to things that either don’t matter or are beyond your control. And it often spirals into other areas of your life for hours, weeks, and even years.

If you want to achieve your goals, be more present, feel more confident, and be happier, you must stop allowing other people to stress you out. In life, there will be things you can control, and things that you can’t. There will be situations that are fair, and situations that are not. You get to decide what stresses you out and for how long.

What Dr. Aditi’s research proves is that learning to protect your energy will improve your mood, mindset, health, focus, and ability to disconnect and unplug. I believe this is one of the reasons why so many people get the wordsLet Them tattooed on their body within days of learning about the theory.

It serves as a reminder that your peace is worth protecting. There is a certain kind of confidence that comes with knowing that other people can’t disrupt your peace.

But let’s take it up a notch.

A stranger coughing on a plane is a pretty straightforward situation. You will eventually get off the plane and move on with your life, so it is easy to use the Let Them Theory then.

But what about when it’s not clear what you should do or what the right response is? How do you use the theory when your stress is coming from something much bigger. . . like your job?