[CHAPTER 4]

[Let Them Stress You Out]

What about practicingLet Them andLet Me when it comes to something or someone that triggers your stress response every single day? According to research, work is the #1 cause of life stress for most people—and your manager has as much impact on your mental health as your spouse.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that because, as rewarding as work can be, it is filled with stress. From 4 p.m. meetings on a Friday, to dealing with rude customers, passive-aggressive emails, a micromanaging boss, doing work that you don’t enjoy, feeling unappreciated, seeing no opportunity for advancement, false promises, surprise layoffs, or being completely understaffed and having extra work on your plate—it’s always something.

And if you’re like me, and you’ve started your own business or are trying to be a good manager, just double that list.

So how do you use the Let Them Theory to not let work stress you out? For example, what if you’ve been doing a great job, hitting all your numbers, going above and beyond, and your boss just isn’t promoting you?

When you ask for an update, you get the stereotypical response that “the company’s profits are down this year” and “my hands are tied” but “you add so much value to this team” lip service. It sucks.

You feel frustrated, discouraged, powerless, hostile, or demoralized. Dr. Aditi says this is why she’s seeing burnout in record numbers right now: People are stuck in a state of chronic stress at work. And she added, your stress at work isn’t changing so you need to change your approach to dealing with it.

I know when I’ve been in that situation, that’s exactly how I felt. And the fact that you need your paycheck to pay your bills only makes you feel more stressed-out and powerless.

But as overwhelming as work may be right now, you are not powerless. So, how do you use the Let Them Theory to get your boss to give you the promotion you deserve?

You don’t.Let Them string you along.

I know it’s tough to hear, because it’s true. Yes, it’s not fair. Yes, you’ve earned the promotion. And yes, you deserve to be angry about it.

ButLet Me ask you this question: Who is responsible for YOUR career? That’s right, you are.

Besides, you can’t control if your boss is going to promote you, give you a raise, or even move you to the cubicle that’s closer to the window. No matter how much hard work you’ve put in, or how many compliments you’ve received, the decision is up to them.

So if you’re in a situation where you’ve put in the effort, you have had the conversation, you’ve asked for the salary increase, you’ve hit your numbers, and you still are waiting for that promotion or title change or new desk and it’s just not coming, you have to stop being mad and choose what you’re going to do about it.

Because, guess what? If you let your emotions get the best of you, it’s going to make you crazy. If you let the stress of this situation take over, you will never be able to think strategically about your next move.

You cannot let the stress of this make you stupid. You’ve got to be smart about how you’re going to respond.Let Me. That’s where your power lies.

If something at work is out of your control and you’ve done everything you can to try to influence it, it is dumb to waste any more time trying to change the situation. And it is even dumber to constantly let it stress you out. You are way smarter than that. Your life and the possibilities in it are always way bigger than your current job.

You are never stuck. That’s a lie you tell yourself. You can leave a job, a relationship, a living situation, a date, an interview, or a conversation any time you want to.

But instead, you’re sitting there with your boss Steve, who you flip off every time the Zoom meeting ends.

You do not have to stay in any job that makes you feel frustrated, demoralized, or stressed. And you shouldn’t.Let Them string you along.

It’s time for theLet Me part. Stop fixating on your current situation, and start focusing on finding a better opportunity. Right now there’s an amazing job with a kickass boss, a better salary, and a desk next to a window waiting for you to come find it. Your company is not the only company on this planet, and there’s a million bosses out there who would be ecstatic to help advance your career.

Let Me go get it.

Is it hard to find a job? Yes. Can it take forever? Yes. Do you dread the idea of updating your resume? Yes. Is getting out there and networking intimidating? Yes. Your career is your responsibility and you have more power here than you think. It’s time to start acting like it.

Let Me choose to spend my weekends differently. Instead of blowing off steam at the bars with your friends and complaining about work, how about you pour your time and energy into doing the work to find a job you deserve? Yes, it may take you six months to land something amazing, but those six months are going to go by whether you do nothing, or you go after what you want.

And consider this: If you stay in that job, who controls your future? That’s right. Your boss Steve. But if you update your resume, start networking, and go on some interviews, who’s in control now? That’s right. YOU.

You can act like a toddler and call your boss every name in the book, but the harsh truth is that you’re the one to blame—because you are choosing to stay in a job that makes you miserable.

That’s on you. And you want to know what else is on you? Your dumb excuses for why you are not looking for another job. You have so much more power than you think. It’s time to start acting like it.

You Control Your Next Move

One topic that I want to address in greater detail is how you can determine what the right response is for you when you sayLet Me. TheLet Them part is obvious.

When you sayLet Them, you stop trying to control what someone else is doing. When you sayLet Me, you take responsibility for how you respond to it, which is not always obvious.

Every situation is different and learning how to choose what type of response is worth your time and energy, and what isn’t, will change your life. I have a story that will help you understand how to choose the right response for you.

The other day, I was taking our dogs for a walk at a popular spot at a local state park. As I pulled into the parking lot, a local park ranger stopped to pet my two dogs and say hello. And as we were chatting, he mentioned to make sure to keep the dogs on the leash and pick up their poop, because there had been a lot of complaints that dogs were running free, and that they were not being picked up after by their owners. And it was getting to the point where they may close the trails to dogs.

I thanked him for sharing that information, and assured him that I was not “one of those people” and would follow the rules. As I walked down the trail, there was a person walking 100 feet ahead of me, with their dog off the leash, running all over the place, and jumping up on people.

I started to get annoyed. I could feel the stress response rise up and my amygdala switch on. I was no longer enjoying my walk in the woods. I was focused like a laser on this dog and its owner, and I was getting more and more annoyed that this was exactly what the park ranger was talking about, and this one idiot was going to get us all banned from being here.

I kept sayingLet Them, and it worked for the first five times I said it. But then her dog crouched right there on the middle of the trail and went number two, and I watched in horror as the owner kicks some leaves over it instead of picking it up in a doggy bag and removing it.

That was it. I went from feeling stressed to anointing myself as the dog police in five seconds flat. That brings me to an important aspect of using the theory. Your response to every situation is going to be unique and different every time.

There will be days when I just don’t have the energy to chase this woman down, hand her a doggie bag, ask her to pick it up, explain the implications of what’s going on, and request that she do her part.

And there will be days where I will run like an Olympic sprinter, chase her down, and do exactly that.

There will be moments when I just shrug my shoulders, sayLet Them, and know it’s not worth my time and energy. And, when I get to the point where the dog has made its mess, I’llLet Me be the bigger person, and I’ll take a baggie and pick it up. And then I’ll smear it all over her car in the parking lot (that last part was a joke).

While I don’t want to have to pick up after other people, I like being the kind of person who cares about leaving public spaces in good shape for everyone to enjoy them. I love knowing that I leave places better than I found them. And I love acting like a leader, even when it’s not my job to do so.

There will be other days where I feel that the best course of action is to turn around, walk back out to the parking lot, track down that park officer, wait with them until the woman comes back, and personally report her to the ranger so he can deal with her.

Every single one of theseLet Me options are available to me and you. And as you were reading, you may even have thought of other options. The point here is, every situation is different, but one thing remains the same: You always get to choose how you respond.

I can’t stop that lady from letting her dog poop in the middle of the trail, but I can choose what I do in response to it. I get to choose who I am going to be and how I am going to show up, and that is a very powerful feeling.

Every situation will be different based on how you feel, what’s going on in your life right now, how much time you have, how important the issue is to you, what your values are, and what the most effective approach is.

Let Me is an opportunity for you to put your time, energy, and values at the of your life. It’s where you get to choose what’s worth your attention and what isn’t. How do you decide what’s right for you? Particularly when it’s a really stressful situation? Great question.

I find it helpful in these stressful moments to just sayLet Them, take a pause, and consider: Is this going to bother me in an hour? Is this going to bother me in a week? Or is this something that just bothers me right now?

If I’m still thinking about it an hour from now, I should do something. If it’s going to matter in a week or a year, then I definitely need to do something. In the situation with this lady and her dog, I knew it would bother me every single time I walked my dog at that state park.

In most cases, you will know what is right for you. And that leads me to the next example—which is the perfect topic to follow poop—and that’s politics.

According to recent research, the majority of people report feeling very stressed about the current state of world politics. I feel it too. And how can you not?

We live in a moment where we are more polarized than ever, the stakes feel so high, and everyone seems so far apart and either angry or scared about where things are (or both).

It’s impossible to have a civil conversation with most people who have a different point of view, because none of us really want to take the time to understand where the other person is coming from.

It would be easy, given how stressful politics can be at the local, state, national, and global level, to just throw your hands up in the air, disengage, and feel powerless to change the state of things.

So, how do you use the Let Them Theory to change the state of politics at a local, national, or global level?

You don’t. The school board has already decided. The Senate has voted. These are the two candidates running. The election is over. It’s tied up in the courts.Let Them. You can’t change what just happened.

But I never said you couldn’t change the future. Does it seem overwhelming? Yes. Does it feel like it won’t make a difference? Yes.

Do it anyway.Let Me stay engaged and vocal on the issues I care about and do something that can change the future of my local, national, and global politics. Don’t sit around and wait for someone else to clean up the mess that you see.

If it matters, be the one everyone else is waiting for. Create the change you want to see. That’s the power ofLet Me.

I like to remind myself of what Professor Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

All it takes is one person to do the right thing. And if it bothers you enough, that person is you. Something can always be done. You can make a difference. And if it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it. It just stresses you out. And as you are learning, that’s dumb. Talk is cheap. If it really bothers you, dedicate some time and energy to changing it.

Over and over again, regardless of what situations and circumstances in which you find yourself using the Let Them Theory, you’ll learn that no matter how big the problem is or how stressful something feels, there’s always something you can do through your actions and your attitude to make it better.

That is the power ofLet Me. You can’t control everyone around you, or the world at large, or what people are doing at the park, but you can always control what you say, think, or do in response—and that’s where true power comes.

And the more you tap into that power, the more you’ll see all of the ways in which you’ve been sabotaging your own happiness and giving all your power away. And, like me, you didn’t even know it. Your time and energy are paramount. The Let Them Theory really highlights this and empowers you to make better choices about what is worth your time and energy and what isn’t. This doesn’t mean avoiding difficult conversations or staying silent.

It doesn’t mean being a doormat and letting people walk all over you; nor does it mean you have to pick up everybody’s dog poop or run for political office.

What it does mean is that you get to choose what impacts you and to what extent. You get to choose what you participate in and what you don’t. You get to choose when a job or relationship or issue is worth fighting for, and when it’s time to leave. You get to choose, and that is why you are always in control of what happens next.

So let’s summarize what you have learned about managing stress. Right now, you allow other people to create unnecessary stress in your life. The Let Them Theory teaches you to protect your energy by not allowing minor irritations to control your life, so you can focus on what truly matters.

1. Problem: Other people are going to do things all day that bother you, annoy you, or stress you out. It will happen. You can’t control it. When you allow someone else’s behavior to stress you out, you give other people power. That leaves you drained with no time and energy for yourself.
2. Truth: Your body’s stress response is automatic. You will feel yourself getting annoyed. You will feel frustrated. You will feel the anger and agitation hit. You can’t control the emotions that rise up inside of you. But you can learn how to reset your stress response so your emotions don’t hijack you.
3. Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, you protect yourself from the stress other people have been causing you. Your power is in controlling your response to the other person’s behavior, to the annoying situation, and to the emotions that you feel.

When you sayLet Them, you make a decision not to allow other peoplès behavior stress you out or bother you. When you sayLet Me, you reset your stress response and take responsibility for how you respond.

It’s time to reclaim all your time and energy for what matters most to you.