The Alchemist · Act I · Scene I (2/2) (1/2)
Face Believ’t, I will.
Subtle Thy worst. I fart at thee.
Dol Common Have you your wits? Why, gentlemen! For love⁠—
Face Sirrah, I’ll strip you⁠—
Subtle What to do? Lick figs Out at my⁠—
Face Rogue, rogue!⁠—out of all your sleights.
Dol Common Nay, look ye, sovereign, general, are you madmen?
Subtle O, let the wild sheep loose. I’ll gum your silks With good strong water, an you come.
Dol Common Will you have The neighbours hear you? Will you betray all? Hark! I hear somebody.
Face Sirrah⁠—
Subtle I shall mar All that the tailor has made, if you approach.
Face You most notorious whelp, you insolent slave, Dare you do this?
Subtle Yes, faith; yes, faith.
Face Why, who Am I, my mongrel? Who am I?
Subtle I’ll tell you, Since you know not yourself.
Face Speak lower, rogue.
Subtle Yes, you were once (time’s not long past) the good, Honest, plain, livery-three-pound-thrum, that kept Your master’s worship’s house here in the Friars, For the vacations⁠—
Face Will you be so loud?
Subtle Since, by my means, translated Suburb-Captain.
Face By your means, Doctor Dog!
Subtle Within man’s memory, All this I speak of.
Face Why, I pray you, have I Been countenanced by you, or you by me? Do but collect, sir, where I met you first.
Subtle I do not hear well.
Face Not of this, I think it. But I shall put you in mind, sir;⁠—at Pie-corner, Taking your meal of steam in, from cooks’ stalls, Where, like the father of hunger, you did walk Piteously costive, with your pinched-horn-nose, And your complexion of the Roman wash, Stuck full of black and melancholic worms, Like powder corns shot at the artillery-yard.
Subtle I wish you could advance your voice a little.
Face When you went pinned up in the several rags You had raked and picked from dunghills, before day; Your feet in mouldy slippers, for your kibes; A felt of rug, and a thin threaden cloak, That scarce would cover your no buttocks⁠—
Subtle So, sir!
Face When all your alchemy, and your algebra, Your minerals, vegetals, and animals, Your conjuring, cozening, and your dozen of trades, Could not relieve your corps with so much linen Would make you tinder, but to see a fire; I gave you countenance, credit for your coals, Your stills, your glasses, your materials; Built you a furnace, drew you customers, Advanced all your black arts; lent you, beside, A house to practise in⁠—
Subtle Your master’s house!
Face Where you have studied the more thriving skill Of bawdry since.
Subtle Yes, in your master’s house. You and the rats here kept possession. Make it not strange. I know you were one could keep The buttery-hatch still locked, and save the chippings, Sell the dole beer to aqua-vitae men, The which, together with your Christmas vails At post-and-pair, your letting out of counters, Made you a pretty stock, some twenty marks, And gave you credit to converse with cobwebs, Here, since your mistress’ death hath broke up house.
Face You might talk softlier, rascal.
Subtle No, you scarab, I’ll thunder you in pieces: I will teach you How to beware to tempt a Fury again, That carries tempest in his hand and voice.
Face The place has made you valiant.
Subtle No, your clothes.⁠— Thou vermin, have I ta’en thee out of dung, So poor, so wretched, when no living thing Would keep thee company, but a spider, or worse? Raised thee from brooms, and dust, and watering-pots, Sublimed thee, and exalted thee, and fixed thee In the third region, called our state of grace? Wrought thee to spirit, to quintessence, with pains Would twice have won me the philosopher’s work? Put thee in words and fashion, made thee fit For more than ordinary fellowships? Given thee thy oaths, thy quarrelling dimensions, Thy rules to cheat at horse-race, cock-pit, cards, Dice, or whatever gallant tincture else? Made thee a second in mine own great art? And have I this for thanks! Do you rebel, Do you fly out in the projection? Would you be gone now?
Dol Common Gentlemen, what mean you? Will you mar all?
Subtle Slave, thou hadst had no name⁠—
Dol Common Will you undo yourselves with civil war?
Subtle Never been known, past equi clibanum, The heat of horse-dung, under ground, in cellars, Or an alehouse darker than deaf John’s; been lost To all mankind, but laundresses and tapsters, Had not I been.
Dol Common Do you know who hears you, Sovereign?
Face Sirrah⁠—
Dol Common Nay, General, I thought you were civil.
Face I shall turn desperate, if you grow thus loud.
Subtle And hang thyself, I care not.
Face Hang thee, collier, And all thy pots, and pans, in picture, I will, Since thou hast moved me⁠—
Dol Common O, this will o’erthrow all.
Face Write thee up bawd in Paul’s, have all thy tricks Of cozening with a hollow coal, dust, scrapings, Searching for things lost, with a sieve and sheers, Erecting figures in your rows of houses, And taking in of shadows with a glass, Told in red letters; and a face cut for thee, Worse than Gamaliel Ratsey’s.
Dol Common Are you sound? Have you your senses, masters?
Face I will have A book, but barely reckoning thy impostures, Shall prove a true philosopher’s stone to printers.
Subtle Away, you trencher-rascal!
Face Out, you dog-leech! The vomit of all prisons⁠—
Dol Common Will you be Your own destructions, gentlemen?
Face Still spewed out For lying too heavy on the basket.
Subtle Cheater!
Face Bawd!
Subtle Cowherd!
Face Conjurer!
Subtle Cutpurse!
Face Witch!
Dol Common O me! We are ruined, lost! Have you no more regard To your reputations? Where’s your judgment? ’Slight, Have yet some care of me, of your republic⁠—
Face Away, this brach! I’ll bring thee, rogue, within The statute of sorcery, tricesimo tertio Of Harry the Eighth: ay, and perhaps thy neck Within a noose, for laundering gold and barbing it.
Dol Common Snatches Face’s sword. You’ll bring your head within a cockscomb, will you? And you, sir, with your menstrue⁠— Dashes Subtle’s vial out of his hand. Gather it up.⁠— ’Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards, Leave off your barking, and grow one again, Or, by the light that shines, I’ll cut your throats. I’ll not be made a prey unto the marshal, For ne’er a snarling dog-bolt of you both. Have you together cozened all this while, And all the world, and shall it now be said, You’ve made most courteous shift to cozen yourselves? To Face. You will accuse him! You will “bring him in Within the statute!” Who shall take your word? A whoreson, upstart, apocryphal Captain, Whom not a Puritan in Blackfriars will trust So much as for a feather: To Subtle. and you, too, Will give the cause, forsooth! You will insult, And claim a primacy in the divisions! You must be chief! As if you only had The powder to project with, and the work Were not begun out of equality? The venture tripartite? All things in common? Without priority? ’Sdeath! You perpetual curs, Fall to your couples again, and cozen kindly, And heartily, and lovingly, as you should, And lose not the beginning of a term, Or, by this hand, I shall grow factious too, And take my part, and quit you.
Face ’Tis his fault; He ever murmurs, and objects his pains, And says, the weight of all lies upon him.
Subtle Why, so it does.
Dol Common How does it? Do not we Sustain our parts?
Subtle Yes, but they are not equal.
Dol Common Why, if your part exceed today, I hope Ours may, tomorrow match it.
Subtle Ay, they may.
Dol Common May, murmuring mastiff! Ay, and do. Death on me! Help me to throttle him.
Seizes Subtle by the throat.
Subtle Dorothy! Mistress Dorothy! ’Ods precious, I’ll do anything. What do you mean?
Dol Common Because o’ your fermentation and cibation?
Subtle Not I, by heaven⁠—
Dol Common Your Sol and Luna To Face. —help me.
Subtle Would I were hanged then? I’ll conform myself.
Dol Common Will you, sir? Do so then, and quickly: swear.
Subtle What should I swear?
Dol Common To leave your faction, sir, And labour kindly in the common work.
Subtle Let me not breathe if I meant aught beside. I only used those speeches as a spur To him.
Dol Common I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?
Face ’Slid, prove today, who shall shark best.
Subtle Agreed.
Dol Common Yes, and work close and friendly.
Subtle ’Slight, the knot Shall grow the stronger for this breach, with me.
They shake hands.
Dol Common Why, so, my good baboons! Shall we go make A sort of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours, That scarce have smiled twice since the king came in, A feast of laughter at our follies? Rascals, Would run themselves from breath, to see me ride, Or you t’ have but a hole to thrust your heads in, For which you should pay ear-rent? No, agree. And may Don Provost ride a feasting long, In his old velvet jerkin and stained scarfs, My noble Sovereign, and worthy General, Ere we contribute a new crewel garter To his most worsted worship.
Subtle Royal Dol! Spoken like Claridiana, and thyself.
Face For which at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph, And not be styled Dol Common, but Dol Proper, Dol Singular: the longest cut at night, Shall draw thee for his Dol Particular.
Bell rings without.
Subtle Who’s that? One rings. To the window, Dol:
Exit Dol.**
—pray heaven, The master do not trouble us this quarter.
Face O, fear not him. While there dies one a week O’ the plague, he’s safe, from thinking toward London. Beside, he’s busy at his hop-yards now; I had a letter from him. If he do, He’ll send such word, for airing of the house, As you shall have sufficient time to quit it: Though we break up a fortnight, ’tis no matter.
Reenter Dol.
Subtle Who is it, Dol?
Dol Common A fine young quodling.
Face O, My lawyer’s clerk, I lighted on last night, In Holborn, at the Dagger. He would have (I told you of him) a familiar, To rifle with at horses, and win cups.
Dol Common O, let him in.
Subtle Stay. Who shall do’t?
Face Get you Your robes on: I will meet him as going out.
Dol Common And what shall I do?
Face Not be seen; away!
Exit Dol.
Seem you very reserved.
Subtle Enough.
Exit.
Face Aloud and retiring. God be wi’ you, sir, I pray you let him know that I was here: His name is Dapper. I would gladly have stayed, but⁠—
Dapper Within. Captain, I am here.
Face Who’s that?⁠—He’s come, I think, Doctor.
Enter Dapper.
Good faith, sir, I was going away.
Dapper In truth I am very sorry, Captain.
Face But I thought Sure I should meet you.
Dapper Ay, I am very glad. I had a scurvy writ or two to make, And I had lent my watch last night to one That dines today at the sheriff’s, and so was robbed Of my past-time.
Reenter Subtle in his velvet cap and gown.
Is this the cunning-man?
Face This is his worship.
Dapper Is he a Doctor?
Face Yes.
Dapper And have you broke with him, Captain?
Face Ay.
Dapper And how?
Face Faith, he does make the matter, sir, so dainty I know not what to say.
Dapper Not so, good Captain.
Face Would I were fairly rid of it, believe me.
Dapper Nay, now you grieve me, sir. Why should you wish so? I dare assure you, I’ll not be ungrateful.
Face I cannot think you will, sir. But the law Is such a thing⁠—and then he says, Read’s matter Falling so lately.
Dapper Read! He was an ass, And dealt, sir, with a fool.
Face It was a clerk, sir.
Dapper A clerk!
Face Nay, hear me, sir. You know the law Better, I think⁠—
Dapper I should, sir, and the danger: You know, I showed the statute to you.
Face You did so.
Dapper And will I tell then! By this hand of flesh, Would it might never write good court-hand more, If I discover. What do you think of me, That I am a chiaus?
Face What’s that?
Dapper The Turk was here. As one would say, do you think I am a Turk?
Face I’ll tell the Doctor so.
Dapper Do, good sweet Captain.
Face Come, noble Doctor, pray thee let’s prevail; This is the gentleman, and he is no chiaus.
Subtle Captain, I have returned you all my answer. I would do much, sir, for your love⁠—But this I neither may, nor can.
Face Tut, do not say so. You deal now with a noble fellow, Doctor, One that will thank you richly; and he is no chiaus: Let that, sir, move you.
Subtle Pray you, forbear⁠—
Face He has Four angels here.
Subtle You do me wrong, good sir.
Face Doctor, wherein? To tempt you with these spirits?
Subtle To tempt my art and love, sir, to my peril. Fore heaven, I scarce can think you are my friend, That so would draw me to apparent danger.
Face I draw you! A horse draw you, and a halter, You, and your flies together⁠—
Dapper Nay, good Captain.
Face That know no difference of men.
Subtle Good words, sir.
Face Good deeds, sir, Doctor Dogs-meat. ’Slight, I bring you No cheating Clim o’ the Cloughs or Claribels, That look as big as five-and-fifty, and flush; And spit out secrets like hot custard⁠—
Dapper Captain!
Face Nor any melancholic under-scribe, Shall tell the vicar; but a special gentle, That is the heir to forty marks a year, Consorts with the small poets of the time, Is the sole hope of his old grandmother; That knows the law, and writes you six fair hands, Is a fine clerk, and has his ciphering perfect. Will take his oath o’ the Greek Testament, If need be, in his pocket; and can court His mistress out of Ovid.
Dapper Nay, dear Captain⁠—
Face Did you not tell me so?
Dapper Yes; but I’d have you Use master Doctor with some more respect.
Face Hang him, proud stag, with his broad velvet head!⁠— But for your sake, I’d choke, ere I would change An article of breath with such a puckfist: Come, let’s be gone.
Going.
Subtle Pray you let me speak with you.
Dapper His worship calls you, Captain.
Face I am sorry I e’er embarked myself in such a business.
Dapper Nay, good sir; he did call you.
Face Will he take then?
Subtle First, hear me⁠—
Face Not a syllable, ’less you take.
Subtle Pray you, sir⁠—
Face Upon no terms but an assumpsit.
Subtle Your humour must be law. He takes the four angels.
Face Why now, sir, talk. Now I dare hear you with mine honour. Speak. So may this gentleman too.
Subtle Why, sir⁠— Offering to whisper Face.
Face No whispering.
Subtle Fore heaven, you do not apprehend the loss You do yourself in this.
Face Wherein? For what?
Subtle Marry, to be so importunate for one, That, when he has it, will undo you all: He’ll win up all the money in the town.
Face How!
Subtle Yes, and blow up gamester after gamester, As they do crackers in a puppet-play. If I do give him a familiar, Give you him all you play for; never set him: For he will have it.