The Alchemist · Act IV · Scene II

Scene II

Another room in the same.
Enter Face, Kastril, and Dame Pliant.
Face Come, lady: I knew the Doctor would not leave, Till he had found the very nick of her fortune.
Kastril To be a countess, say you, a Spanish countess, sir?
Dame Pliant Why, is that better than an English countess?
Face Better! ’Slight, make you that a question, lady?
Kastril Nay, she is a fool, Captain, you must pardon her.
Face Ask from your courtier, to your inns-of-court-man, To your mere milliner; they will tell you all, Your Spanish jennet is the best horse; your Spanish Stoop is the best garb; your Spanish beard Is the best cut; your Spanish ruffs are the best Wear; your Spanish pavan the best dance; Your Spanish titillation in a glove The best perfume: and for your Spanish pike, And Spanish blade, let your poor Captain speak⁠— Here comes the Doctor.
Enter Subtle, with a paper.
Subtle My most honoured lady, For so I am now to style you, having found By this my scheme, you are to undergo An honourable fortune, very shortly. What will you say now, if some⁠—
Face I have told her all, sir, And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall be A countess; do not delay them, sir; a Spanish countess.
Subtle Still, my scarce-worshipful Captain, you can keep No secret! Well, since he has told you, madam, Do you forgive him, and I do.
Kastril She shall do that, sir; I’ll look to it, ’tis my charge.
Subtle Well then: nought rests But that she fit her love now to her fortune.
Dame Pliant Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard.
Subtle No!
Dame Pliant Never since eighty-eight could I abide them, And that was some three year afore I was born, in truth.
Subtle Come, you must love him, or be miserable, Choose which you will.
Face By this good rush, persuade her, She will cry strawberries else within this twelvemonth.
Subtle Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse.
Face Indeed, sir!
Kastril Od’s lid, you shall love him, or I’ll kick you.
Dame Pliant Why, I’ll do as you will have me, brother.
Kastril Do, Or by this hand I’ll maul you.
Face Nay, good sir, Be not so fierce.
Subtle No, my enraged child; She will be ruled. What, when she comes to taste The pleasures of a countess! To be courted⁠—
Face And kissed, and ruffled!
Subtle Ay, behind the hangings.
Face And then come forth in pomp!
Subtle And know her state!
Face Of keeping all the idolaters of the chamber Barer to her, than at their prayers!
Subtle Is served Upon the knee!
Face And has her pages, ushers, Footmen, and coaches⁠—
Subtle Her six mares⁠—
Face Nay, eight!
Subtle To hurry her through London, to the Exchange, Bedlam, the china-houses⁠—
Face Yes, and have The citizens gape at her, and praise her tires, And my lord’s goose-turd bands, that ride with her!
Kastril Most brave! By this hand, you are not my sister, If you refuse.
Dame Pliant I will not refuse, brother.
Enter Surly.
Pertinax Surly Que es esto, señores, que no venga? Esta tardanza me mata!
Face It is the Count come: The Doctor knew he would be here, by his art.
Subtle En gallanta madama, Don! Gallantissima!
Pertinax Surly Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada hermosura, que he visto en mi vida!
Face Is’t not a gallant language that they speak?
Kastril An admirable language! Is’t not French?
Face No, Spanish, sir.
Kastril It goes like law-French, And that, they say, is the courtliest language.
Face List, sir.
Pertinax Surly El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el Esplandor que trae esta dama! Válgame Dios!
Face He admires your sister.
Kastril Must not she make curtsey?
Subtle ’Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him! It is the Spanish fashion, for the women To make first court.
Face ’Tis true he tells you, sir: His art knows all.
Pertinax Surly Porqué no se acude?
Kastril He speaks to her, I think.
Face That he does, sir.
Pertinax Surly Por el amor de Dios, qué es esto que se tarda?
Kastril Nay, see: she will not understand him! Gull, Noddy.
Dame Pliant What say you, brother?
Kastril Ass, my sister. Go kiss him, as the cunning man would have you; I’ll thrust a pin in your buttocks else.
Face O no, sir.
Pertinax Surly Señora mía, mi persona esta muy indigna de Allegara tanta hermosura.
Face Does he not use her bravely?
Kastril Bravely, i’faith!
Face Nay, he will use her better.
Kastril Do you think so?
Pertinax Surly Señora, si sera servida, entremonos.
Exit with Dame Pliant.
Kastril Where does he carry her?
Face Into the garden, sir; Take you no thought: I must interpret for her.
Subtle Give Dol the word. Aside to Face, who goes out. —Come, my fierce child, advance, We’ll to our quarrelling lesson again.
Kastril Agreed. I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.
Subtle Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother To a great count.
Kastril Ay, I knew that at first, This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.
Subtle ’Pray God your sister prove but pliant!
Kastril Why, Her name is so, by her other husband.
Subtle How!
Kastril The widow Pliant. Knew you not that?
Subtle No, faith, sir; Yet, by erection of her figure, I guessed it. Come, let’s go practise.
Kastril Yes, but do you think, Doctor, I e’er shall quarrel well?
Subtle I warrant you.
Exeunt.