Getting Married (2/2) (6/12)

| The Bishop | You must give the devil fair play, Boxer. Until you have heard and weighed his case you have no right to condemn him. I’m sorry you have been kept waiting twenty minutes; but I myself have waited twenty years for this to happen. I’ve often wrestled with the temptation to pray that it might not happen in my own household. Perhaps it was a presentiment that it might become a part of our old Bridgenorth burden that made me warn our Governments so earnestly that unless the law of marriage were first made human, it could never become divine. | | Mrs. Bridgenorth | Oh, do be sensible about this. People must get married. What would you have said if Cecil’s parents had not been married? | | The Bishop | They were not, my dear. | | Hotchkiss | Hallo! | | Reginald | What d’ye mean? | | The General | Eh? | | Leo | Not married! | | Mrs. Bridgenorth | What? | | Sykes | Rising in amazement. What on earth do you mean, Bishop? My parents were married. | | Hotchkiss | You can’t remember, Cecil. | | Sykes | Well, I never asked my mother to show me her marriage lines, if that’s what you mean. What man ever has? I never suspected⁠—I never knew⁠—Are you joking? Or have we all gone mad? | | The Bishop | Don’t be alarmed, Cecil. Let me explain. Your parents were not Anglicans. You were not, I think, Anglican yourself, until your second year at Oxford. They were Positivists. They went through the Positivist ceremony at Newton Hall in Fetter Lane after entering into the civil contract before the Registrar of the West Strand District. I ask you, as an Anglican Catholic, was that a marriage? | | Sykes | Overwhelmed. Great Heavens, no! a thousand times, no. I never thought of that. I’m a child of sin. He collapses into the railed chair. | | The Bishop | Oh, come, come! You are no more a child of sin than any Jew, or Mohammedan, or Nonconformist, or anyone else born outside the Church. But you see how it affects my view of the situation. To me there is only one marriage that is holy: the Church’s sacrament of marriage. Outside that, I can recognize no distinction between one civil contract and another. There was a time when all marriages were made in Heaven. But because the Church was unwise and would not make its ordinances reasonable, its power over men and women was taken away from it; and marriages gave place to contracts at a registry office. And now that our Governments refuse to make these contracts reasonable, those whom we in our blindness drove out of the Church will be driven out of the registry office; and we shall have the history of Ancient Rome repeated. We shall be joined by our solicitors for seven, fourteen, or twenty-one years⁠—or perhaps months. Deeds of partnership will replace the old vows. | | The General | Would you, a Bishop, approve of such partnerships? | | The Bishop | Do you think that I, a Bishop, approve of the Deceased Wife’s Sister Act? That did not prevent its becoming law. | | The General | But when the Government sounded you as to whether you’d marry a man to his deceased wife’s sister you very naturally and properly told them you’d see them damned first. | | The Bishop | Horrified. No, no, really, Boxer! You must not⁠— | | The General | Impatiently. Oh, of course I don’t mean that you used those words. But that was the meaning and the spirit of it. | | The Bishop | Not the spirit, Boxer, I protest. But never mind that. The point is that State marriage is already divorced from Church marriage. The relations between Leo and Rejjy and Sinjon are perfectly legal; but do you expect me, as a Bishop, to approve of them? | | The General | I don’t defend Reginald. He should have kicked you out of the house, Mr. Hotchkiss. | | Reginald | Rising. How could I kick him out of the house? He’s stronger than me: he could have kicked me out if it came to that. He did kick me out: what else was it but kicking out, to take my wife’s affections from me and establish himself in my place? He comes to the hearth. | | Hotchkiss | I protest, Reginald, I said all that a man could to prevent the smash. | | Reginald | Oh, I know you did: I don’t blame you: people don’t do these things to one another: they happen and they can’t be helped. What was I to do? I was old: she was young. I was dull: he was brilliant. I had a face like a walnut: he had a face like a mushroom. I was as glad to have him in the house as she was: he amused me. And we were a couple of fools: he gave us good advice⁠—told us what to do when we didn’t know. She found out that I wasn’t any use to her and he was; so she nabbed him and gave me the chuck. | | Leo | If you don’t stop talking in that disgraceful way about our married life, I’ll leave the room and never speak to you again. | | Reginald | You’re not going to speak to me again, anyhow, are you? Do you suppose I’m going to visit you when you marry him? | | Hotchkiss | I hope so. Surely you’re not going to be vindictive, Rejjy. Besides, you’ll have all the advantages I formerly enjoyed. You’ll be the visitor, the relief, the new face, the fresh news, the hopeless attachment: I shall only be the husband. | | Reginald | Savagely. Will you tell me this, any of you? how is it that we always get talking about Hotchkiss when our business is about Edith? He fumes up the kitchen to the tower and back to his chair. | | Mrs. Bridgenorth | Will somebody tell me how the world is to go on if nobody is to get married? | | Sykes | Will somebody tell me what an honorable man and a sincere Anglican is to propose to a woman whom he loves and who loves him and won’t marry him? | | Leo | Will somebody tell me how I’m to arrange to take care of Rejjy when I’m married to Sinjon. Rejjy must not be allowed to marry anyone else, especially that odious nasty creature that told all those wicked lies about him in Court. | | Hotchkiss | Let us draw up the first English partnership deed. | | Leo | For shame, Sinjon! | | The Bishop | Somebody must begin, my dear. I’ve a very strong suspicion that when it is drawn up it will be so much worse than the existing law that you will all prefer getting married. We shall therefore be doing the greatest possible service to morality by just trying how the new system would work. | | Lesbia | Suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as she stands thoughtfully in the garden doorway. I’ve been thinking. | | The Bishop | To Hotchkiss. Nothing like making people think: is there, Sinjon? | | Lesbia | Coming to the table, on the General’s left. A woman has no right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after the statistics given in The Times by Mr. Sidney Webb. | | The General | Mr. Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voice of Nature. | | Lesbia | But if she is an English lady it is her right and her duty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance with Boxer. | | | The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent and speechless. | | Edith | Rising. And I with Cecil. | | Leo | Rising. And I with Rejjy and St. John. | | The General | Aghast. An alliance! Do you mean a⁠—a⁠—a⁠— | | Reginald | She only means bigamy, as I understand her. | | The General | Alfred: how long more are you going to stand there and countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am I awake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back to real life⁠— | | | Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman’s robes. The ladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcerned as possible. | | Collins | Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has been full this hour past; and the organist has played all the wedding music in Lohengrin three times over. | | The General | The very man we want. Alfred: I’m not equal to this crisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Church has failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions and appeal to the Municipality. | | Mrs. Bridgenorth | Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of this difficulty. | | | Collins*, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss’s left. | | Hotchkiss | Rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown. I’ve not had the pleasure. Will you introduce me? | | Collins | Confidentially. All right, sir. Only the greengrocer, sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr. Alderman Collins, sir, when I’m in my gown. | | Hotchkiss | Staggered. Very pleased indeed. He sits down again. | | The Bishop | Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr. Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him⁠— | | Edith | Collins has known me from my childhood: I’m sure he will agree with me. | | Collins | Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask what the difficulty is? | | Edith | Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the existing state of the law? | | Sykes | Rising and coming to Collins’s left elbow. I put it to you as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me? | | Reginald | Leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins and Sykes, who returns to his chair. That’s not the point. Let this be understood, Mr. Collins. It’s not the man who is backing out: it’s the woman. He posts himself on the hearth. | | Lesbia | We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly ready to make a reasonable arrangement. | | Leo | With both men. | | The General | The case is now before you, Mr. Collins. And I put it to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy nonsense? | | Mrs. Bridgenorth | The world must go on, mustn’t it, Collins? | | Collins | Snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition he has heard. Oh, the world will go on, ma’am don’t you be afraid of that. It ain’t so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people think. | | Edith | I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you. | | Hotchkiss | Have you the least idea of what they are talking about, Mr. Alderman? | | Collins | Oh, that’s all right, Sir. The particulars don’t matter. I never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they say, that you don’t know? You pick it up as they go on talking. He goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the company. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen, it’s like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if you’re easygoing and don’t expect too much from it. But it doesn’t bear thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied up before they know what they’re letting themselves in for. There’s Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it; and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith and Mr. Sykes, you’ll never get married. Go and get married first: you’ll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me. | | Hotchkiss | Your warning comes too late. They’ve started arguing already. | | The General | But you don’t take in the full⁠—well, I don’t wish to exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable offers, but as I understand it⁠—and I’m sure I beg your pardon most heartily, Lesbia, if I’m wrong, as I hope I am⁠—they actually call on us to enter into⁠—I’m sorry to use the expression; but what can I say?⁠—into alliances with them under contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors. | | Collins | Dear me, General: that’s something new when the parties belong to the same class. | | The Bishop | Not new, Collins. The Romans did it. | | Collins | Yes: they would, them Romans. When you’re in Rome do as the Romans do, is an old saying. But we’re not in Rome at present, my lord. | | The Bishop | We have got into many of their ways. What do you think of the contract system, Collins? | | Collins | Well, my lord, when there’s a question of a contract, I always say, show it to me on paper. If it’s to be talk, let it be talk; but if it’s to be a contract, down with it in black and white; and then we shall know what we’re about. | | Hotchkiss | Quite right, Mr. Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop? | | The Bishop | Do, Sinjon. | | | Hotchkiss goes into the library. | | Collins | If I might point out a difficulty, my lord⁠— | | The Bishop | Certainly. He goes to the fourth chair from the General’s left, but before sitting down, courteously points to the chair at the end of the table next the hearth. Won’t you sit down, Mr. Alderman? Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop’s distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his seat. | | Collins | We are at present six men to four ladies. That’s not fair. | | Reginald | Not fair to the men, you mean. | | Leo | Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in him? | | | Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the Bishop. | | Collins | I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen: I don’t trust my judgment on this subject. There’s a certain lady that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and instinct in affairs of the heart. | | Hotchkiss | Excuse me, Mr. Alderman: I’m a snob; and I warn you that there’s no use consulting anyone who will not advise us frankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us. What is the social position of this lady? | | Collins | The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress. But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in-law. To the Bishop. I’ve often spoken of her to your lady, my lord. To Mrs. Bridgenorth. Mrs. George, ma’am. | | Mrs. Bridgenorth | Startled. Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs. George is a real person? | | Collins | Equally startled. Didn’t you believe in her, ma’am? | | Mrs. Bridgenorth | Never for a moment. | | The Bishop | We always thought that Mrs. George was too good to be true. I still don’t believe in her, Collins. You must produce her if you are to convince me. | | Collins | Overwhelmed. Well, I’m so taken aback by this that⁠—Well I never!!! Why! she’s at the church at this moment, waiting to see the wedding. | | The Bishop | Then produce her. Collins shakes his head. Come, Collins! confess. There’s no such person. | | Collins | There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You ask George. It’s true I can’t produce her; but you can, my lord. | | The Bishop | I! | | Collins | Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her meet you. I’ve asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if you order her to come as her Bishop, she’ll come. She has some very strange fancies, has Mrs. George. Send your ring to her, my lord⁠—he official ring⁠—send it by some very stylish gentleman⁠—perhaps Mr. Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it⁠—and she’ll come. | | The Bishop | Taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss*. Oblige me by undertaking the mission. | | Hotchkiss | But how am I to know the lady? | | Collins | She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you; and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back. | | Hotchkiss | No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline the mission. | | The General | Rising impressively. Be good enough to give me that ring, Mr. Hotchkiss. | | Hotchkiss | With pleasure. He hands it to him. |