Heartbreak House · Act II (2/2) (6/6)

| Hector | How do you make that out, pray? | | Lady Utterword | You called me in to manage Randall, didn’t you? You said you couldn’t manage him yourself. | | Hector | Well, what if I did? I did not ask you to drive the man mad. | | Lady Utterword | He isn’t mad. That’s the way to manage him. If you were a mother, you’d understand. | | Hector | Mother! What are you up to now? | | Lady Utterword | It’s quite simple. When the children got nerves and were naughty, I smacked them just enough to give them a good cry and a healthy nervous shock. They went to sleep and were quite good afterwards. Well, I can’t smack Randall: he is too big; so when he gets nerves and is naughty, I just rag him till he cries. He will be all right now. Look: he is half asleep already. Which is quite true. | | Randall | Waking up indignantly. I’m not. You are most cruel, Ariadne. Sentimentally. But I suppose I must forgive you, as usual. He checks himself in the act of yawning. | | Lady Utterword | To Hector. Is the explanation satisfactory, dread warrior? | | Hector | Some day I shall kill you, if you go too far. I thought you were a fool. | | Lady Utterword | Laughing. Everybody does, at first. But I am not such a fool as I look. She rises complacently. Now, Randall, go to bed. You will be a good boy in the morning. | | Randall | Only very faintly rebellious. I’ll go to bed when I like. It isn’t ten yet. | | Lady Utterword | It is long past ten. See that he goes to bed at once, Hector. She goes into the garden. | | Hector | Is there any slavery on earth viler than this slavery of men to women? | | Randall | Rising resolutely. I’ll not speak to her tomorrow. I’ll not speak to her for another week. I’ll give her such a lesson. I’ll go straight to bed without bidding her good night. He makes for the door leading to the hall. | | Hector | You are under a spell, man. Old Shotover sold himself to the devil in Zanzibar. The devil gave him a black witch for a wife; and these two demon daughters are their mystical progeny. I am tied to Hesione’s apron-string; but I’m her husband; and if I did go stark staring mad about her, at least we became man and wife. But why should you let yourself be dragged about and beaten by Ariadne as a toy donkey is dragged about and beaten by a child? What do you get by it? Are you her lover? | | Randall | You must not misunderstand me. In a higher sense⁠—in a Platonic sense⁠— | | Hector | Psha! Platonic sense! She makes you her servant; and when payday comes round, she bilks you: that is what you mean. | | Randall | Feebly. Well, if I don’t mind, I don’t see what business it is of yours. Besides, I tell you I am going to punish her. You shall see: I know how to deal with women. I’m really very sleepy. Say good night to Mrs. Hushabye for me, will you, like a good chap. Good night. He hurries out. | | Hector | Poor wretch! Oh women! women! women! He lifts his fists in invocation to heaven. Fall. Fall and crush. He goes out into the garden. |