Misalliance (2/2) (6/12)

| Tarleton | Just discussing your prowess, my dear sir. Magnificent. You’ll stay to dinner. You’ll stay the night. Stay over the week. The Chickabiddy will be delighted. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Won’t you take off your goggles and have some tea? | | | The Passenger begins to remove the goggles. | | Tarleton | Do. Have a wash. Johnny: take the gentleman to your room: I’ll look after Mr. Percival. They must⁠— | | | *By this time the passenger has got the goggles off, and stands revealed as a remarkably good-looking woman. | | | All together. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Well I never!!! | | Bentley | In a whisper. Oh, I say! | | Johnny | By George! | | Lord Summerhays | A lady! | | Hypatia | A woman! | | Tarleton | To Percival. You never told me⁠— | | Percival | I hadn’t the least idea⁠— | | | An embarrassed pause. | | Percival | I assure you if I’d had the faintest notion that my passenger was a lady I shouldn’t have left you to shift for yourself in that selfish way. | | Lord Summerhays | The lady seems to have shifted for both very effectually, sir. | | Percival | Saved my life. I admit it most gratefully. | | Tarleton | I must apologize, madam, for having offered you the civilities appropriate to the opposite sex. And yet, why opposite? We are all human: males and females of the same species. When the dress is the same the distinction vanishes. I’m proud to receive in my house a lady of evident refinement and distinction. Allow me to introduce myself: Tarleton: John Tarleton seeing conjecture in the passenger’s eye⁠—yes, yes: Tarleton’s Underwear. My wife, Mrs. Tarleton: you’ll excuse me for having in what I had taken to be a confidence between man and man alluded to her as the Chickabiddy. My daughter Hypatia, who has always wanted some adventure to drop out of the sky, and is now, I hope, satisfied at last. Lord Summerhays: a man known wherever the British flag waves. His son Bentley, engaged to Hypatia. Mr. Joseph Percival, the promising son of three highly intellectual fathers. | | Hypatia | Startled. Bentley’s friend? Bentley nods. | | Tarleton | Continuing, to the passenger. May I now ask to be allowed the pleasure of knowing your name? | | The Passenger | My name is Lina Szczepanowska. Pronouncing it Sh-Chepanovska. | | Percival | Sh⁠—I beg your pardon? | | Lina | Szczepanowska. | | Percival | Dubiously. Thank you. | | Tarleton | Very politely. Would you mind saying it again? | | Lina | Say fish. | | Tarleton | Fish. | | Lina | Say church. | | Tarleton | Church. | | Lina | Say fish church. | | Tarleton | Remonstrating. But it’s not good sense. | | Lina | Inexorable. Say fish church. | | Tarleton | Fish church. | | Lina | Again. | | Tarleton | No, but⁠—resigning himself fish church. | | Lina | Now say Szczepanowska. | | Tarleton | Szczepanowska. Got it, by Gad. A sibilant whispering becomes audible: they are all saying Sh-ch to themselves. Szczepanowska! Not an English name, is it? | | Lina | Polish. I’m a Pole. | | Tarleton | Ah yes. Interesting nation. Lucky people to get the government of their country taken off their hands. Nothing to do but cultivate themselves. Same as we took Gibraltar off the hands of the Spaniards. Saves the Spanish taxpayer. Jolly good thing for us if the Germans took Portsmouth. Sit down, won’t you? | | | The group breaks up. Johnny and Bentley hurry to the pavilion and fetch the two wicker chairs. Johnny gives his to Lina. Hypatia and Percival take the chairs at the worktable. Lord Summerhays gives the chair at the vestibule end of the writing table to Mrs. Tarleton; and Bentley replaces it with a wicker chair, which Lord Summerhays takes. Johnny remains standing behind the worktable, Bentley behind his father. | | Mrs. Tarleton | To Lina. Have some tea now, won’t you? | | Lina | I never drink tea. | | Tarleton | Sitting down at the end of the writing table nearest Lina. Bad thing to aeroplane on, I should imagine. Too jumpy. Been up much? | | Lina | Not in an aeroplane. I’ve parachuted; but that’s child’s play. | | Mrs. Tarleton | But aren’t you very foolish to run such a dreadful risk? | | Lina | You can’t live without running risks. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Oh, what a thing to say! Didn’t you know you might have been killed? | | Lina | That was why I went up. | | Hypatia | Of course. Can’t you understand the fascination of the thing? the novelty! the daring! the sense of something happening! | | Lina | Oh no. It’s too tame a business for that. I went up for family reasons. | | Tarleton | Eh? What? Family reasons? | | Mrs. Tarleton | I hope it wasn’t to spite your mother? | | Percival | Quickly. Or your husband? | | Lina | I’m not married. And why should I want to spite my mother? | | Hypatia | Aside to Percival. That was clever of you, Mr. Percival. | | Percival | What? | | Hypatia | To find out. | | Tarleton | I’m in a difficulty. I can’t understand a lady going up in an aeroplane for family reasons. It’s rude to be curious and ask questions; but then it’s inhuman to be indifferent, as if you didn’t care. | | Lina | I’ll tell you with pleasure. For the last hundred and fifty years, not a single day has passed without some member of my family risking his life⁠—or her life. It’s a point of honor with us to keep up that tradition. Usually several of us do it; but it happens that just at this moment it is being kept up by one of my brothers only. Early this morning I got a telegram from him to say that there had been a fire, and that he could do nothing for the rest of the week. Fortunately I had an invitation from the Aerial League to see this gentleman try to break the passenger record. I appealed to the President of the League to let me save the honor of my family. He arranged it for me. | | Tarleton | Oh, I must be dreaming. This is stark raving nonsense. | | Lina | Quietly. You are quite awake, sir. | | Johnny | We can’t all be dreaming the same thing, Governor. | | Tarleton | Of course not, you duffer; but then I’m dreaming you as well as the lady. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Don’t be silly, John. The lady is only joking, I’m sure. To Lina. I suppose your luggage is in the aeroplane. | | Percival | Luggage was out of the question. If I stay to dinner I’m afraid I can’t change unless you’ll lend me some clothes. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Do you mean neither of you? | | Percival | I’m afraid so. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Oh well, never mind: Hypatia will lend the lady a gown. | | Lina | Thank you: I’m quite comfortable as I am. I am not accustomed to gowns: they hamper me and make me feel ridiculous; so if you don’t mind I shall not change. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Well, I’m beginning to think I’m doing a bit of dreaming myself. | | Hypatia | Impatiently. Oh, it’s all right, mamma. Johnny: look after Mr. Percival. To Lina, rising. Come with me. | | | Lina follows her to the inner door. They all rise. | | Johnny | To Percival. I’ll show you. | | Percival | Thank you. | | | Lina goes out with Hypatia, and Percival with Johnny. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Well, this is a nice thing to happen! And look at the greenhouse! It’ll cost thirty pounds to mend it. People have no right to do such things. And you invited them to dinner too! What sort of woman is that to have in our house when you know that all Hindhead will be calling on us to see that aeroplane? Bunny: come with me and help me to get all the people out of the grounds: I declare they came running as if they’d sprung up out of the earth. She makes for the inner door. | | Tarleton | No: don’t you trouble, Chickabiddy: I’ll tackle em. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Indeed you’ll do nothing of the kind: you’ll stay here quietly with Lord Summerhays. You’d invite them all to dinner. Come, Bunny. She goes out, followed by Bentley. Lord Summerhays sits down again. | | Tarleton | Singularly beautiful woman Summerhays. What do you make of her? She must be a princess. What’s this family of warriors and statesmen that risk their lives every day? | | Lord Summerhays | They are evidently not warriors and statesmen, or they wouldn’t do that. | | Tarleton | Well, then, who the devil are they? | | Lord Summerhays | I think I know. The last time I saw that lady, she did something I should not have thought possible. | | Tarleton | What was that? | | Lord Summerhays | Well, she walked backwards along a taut wire without a balancing pole and turned a somersault in the middle. I remember that her name was Lina, and that the other name was foreign; though I don’t recollect it. | | Tarleton | Szcz! You couldn’t have forgotten that if you’d heard it. | | Lord Summerhays | I didn’t hear it: I only saw it on a program. But it’s clear she’s an acrobat. It explains how she saved Percival. And it accounts for her family pride. | | Tarleton | An acrobat, eh? Good, good, good! Summerhays: that brings her within reach. That’s better than a princess. I steeled this evergreen heart of mine when I thought she was a princess. Now I shall let it be touched. She is accessible. Good. | | Lord Summerhays | I hope you are not serious. Remember: you have a family. You have a position. You are not in your first youth. | | Tarleton | No matter. There’s magic in the night When the heart is young. My heart is young. Besides, I’m a married man, not a widower like you. A married man can do anything he likes if his wife don’t mind. A widower can’t be too careful. Not that I would have you think me an unprincipled man or a bad husband. I’m not. But I’ve a superabundance of vitality. Read Pepys’ Diary. | | Lord Summerhays | The woman is your guest, Tarleton. | | Tarleton | Well, is she? A woman I bring into my house is my guest. A woman you bring into my house is my guest. But a woman who drops bang down out of the sky into my greenhouse and smashes every blessed pane of glass in it must take her chance. | | Lord Summerhays | Still, you know that my name must not be associated with any scandal. You’ll be careful, won’t you? | | Tarleton | Oh Lord, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I was only joking, of course. | | | Mrs. Tarleton comes back through the inner door. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Well I never! John: I don’t think that young woman’s right in her head. Do you know what she’s just asked for? | | Tarleton | Champagne? | | Mrs. Tarleton | No. She wants a Bible and six oranges. | | Tarleton | What? | | Mrs. Tarleton | A Bible and six oranges. | | Tarleton | I understand the oranges: she’s doing an orange cure of some sort. But what on earth does she want the Bible for? | | Mrs. Tarleton | I’m sure I can’t imagine. She can’t be right in her head. | | Lord Summerhays | Perhaps she wants to read it. | | Mrs. Tarleton | But why should she, on a weekday, at all events. What would you advise me to do, Lord Summerhays? | | Lord Summerhays | Well, is there a Bible in the house? | | Tarleton | Stacks of em. There’s the family Bible, and the Dore Bible, and the parallel revised version Bible, and the Doves Press Bible, and Johnny’s Bible and Bobby’s Bible and Patsy’s Bible, and the Chickabiddy’s Bible and my Bible; and I daresay the servants could raise a few more between them. Let her have the lot. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Don’t talk like that before Lord Summerhays, John. | | Lord Summerhays | It doesn’t matter, Mrs. Tarleton: in Jinghiskahn it was a punishable offence to expose a Bible for sale. The empire has no religion. | | | Lina comes in. She has left her cap in Hypatia’s room. She stops on the landing just inside the door, and speaks over the handrail. | | Lina | Oh, Mrs. Tarleton, shall I be making myself very troublesome if I ask for a music-stand in my room as well? | | Tarleton | Not at all. You can have the piano if you like. Or the gramophone. Have the gramophone. | | Lina | No, thank you: no music. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Going to the steps. Do you think it’s good for you to eat so many oranges? Aren’t you afraid of getting jaundice? | | Lina | Coming down. Not in the least. But billiard balls will do quite as well. | | Mrs. Tarleton | But you can’t eat billiard balls, child! | | Tarleton | Get em, Chickabiddy. I understand. He imitates a juggler tossing up balls. Eh? | | Lina | Going to him, past his wife. Just so. | | Tarleton | Billiard balls and cues. Plates, knives, and forks. Two paraffin lamps and a hatstand. | | Lina | No: that is popular low-class business. In our family we touch nothing but classical work. Anybody can do lamps and hatstands. I can do silver bullets. That is really hard. She passes on to Lord Summerhays, and looks gravely down at him as he sits by the writing table. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Well, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about; and I only hope you know yourselves. However, you shall have what you want, of course. She goes up the steps and leaves the room. | | Lord Summerhays | Will you forgive my curiosity? What is the Bible for? | | Lina | To quiet my soul. | | Lord Summerhays | With a sigh. Ah yes, yes. It no longer quiets mine, I am sorry to say. | | Lina | That is because you do not know how to read it. Put it up before you on a stand; and open it at the Psalms. When you can read them and understand them, quite quietly and happily, and keep six balls in the air all the time, you are in perfect condition; and you’ll never make a mistake that evening. If you find you can’t do that, then go and pray until you can. And be very careful that evening. | | Lord Summerhays | Is that the usual form of test in your profession? | | Lina | Nothing that we Szczepanowskis do is usual, my lord. | | Lord Summerhays | Are you all so wonderful? | | Lina | It is our profession to be wonderful. | | Lord Summerhays | Do you never condescend to do as common people do? For instance, do you not pray as common people pray? | | Lina | Common people do not pray, my lord: they only beg. | | Lord Summerhays | You never ask for anything? | | Lina | No. | | Lord Summerhays | Then why do you pray? | | Lina | To remind myself that I have a soul. | | Tarleton | Walking about. True. Fine. Good. Beautiful. All this damned materialism: what good is it to anybody? I’ve got a soul: don’t tell me I haven’t. Cut me up and you can’t find it. Cut up a steam engine and you can’t find the steam. But, by George, it makes the engine go. Say what you will, Summerhays, the divine spark is a fact. | | Lord Summerhays | Have I denied it? | | Tarleton | Our whole civilization is a denial of it. Read Walt Whitman. | | Lord Summerhays | I shall go to the billiard room and get the balls for you. | | Lina | Thank you. | | | Lord Summerhays goes out through the vestibule door. | | Tarleton | Going to her. Listen to me. She turns quickly. What you said just now was beautiful. You touch chords. You appeal to the poetry in a man. You inspire him. Come now! You’re a woman of the world: you’re independent: you must have driven lots of men crazy. You know the sort of man I am, don’t you? See through me at a glance, eh? | | Lina | Yes. She sits down quietly in the chair Lord Summerhays* has just left. | | Tarleton | Good. Well, do you like me? Don’t misunderstand me: I’m perfectly aware that you’re not going to fall in love at first sight with a ridiculous old shopkeeper. I can’t help that ridiculous old shopkeeper. I have to carry him about with me whether I like it or not. I have to pay for his clothes, though I hate the cut of them: especially the waistcoat. I have to look at him in the glass while I’m shaving. I loathe him because he’s a living lie. My soul’s not like that: it’s like yours. I want to make a fool of myself. About you. Will you let me? | | Lina | Very calm. How much will you pay? | | Tarleton | Nothing. But I’ll throw as many sovereigns as you like into the sea to show you that I’m in earnest. | | Lina | Are those your usual terms? |