Misalliance (2/2) (9/12)

| Mrs. Tarleton | I do wonder at you, John, letting him talk like this before everybody. Turning rather tartly to Lina. Would you mind going away to the drawing-room just for a few minutes, Miss Chipenoska. This is a private family matter, if you don’t mind. | | Lina | I should have gone before, Mrs. Tarleton, if there had been anyone to protect Mr. Tarleton and the young gentleman. | | Tarleton | You’re quite right, Miss Lina: you must stand by. I could have tackled him this morning; but since you put me through those exercises I’d rather die than even shake hands with a man, much less fight him. | | Gunner | It’s all of a piece here. The men effeminate, the women unsexed⁠— | | Tarleton | Don’t begin again, old chap. Keep it for Trafalgar Square. | | Hypatia’s Voice Outside | No, no. She breaks off in a stifled half laugh, half scream, and is seen darting across the garden with Percival in hot pursuit. Immediately afterwards she appears again, and runs into the pavilion. Finding it full of people, including a stranger, she stops; but Percival, flushed and reckless, rushes in and seizes her before he, too, realizes that they are not alone. He releases her in confusion. | | | Dead silence. They are all afraid to look at one another except Mrs. Tarleton, who stares sternly at Hypatia. Hypatia is the first to recover her presence of mind. | | Hypatia | Excuse me rushing in like this. Mr. Percival has been chasing me down the hill. | | Gunner | Who chased him up it? Don’t be ashamed. Be fearless. Be truthful. | | Tarleton | Gunner: will you go to Paris for a fortnight? I’ll pay your expenses. | | Hypatia | What do you mean? | | Gunner | There was a silent witness in the Turkish bath. | | Tarleton | I found him hiding there. Whatever went on here, he saw and heard. That’s what he means. | | Percival | Sternly approaching Gunner, and speaking with deep but contained indignation. Am I to understand you as daring to put forward the monstrous and blackguardly lie that this lady behaved improperly in my presence? | | Gunner | Turning white. You know what I saw and heard. | | | Hypatia*, with a gleam of triumph in her eyes, slips noiselessly into the swing chair, and watches Percival and Gunner, swinging slightly, but otherwise motionless. | | Percival | I hope it is not necessary for me to assure you all that there is not one word of truth⁠—not one grain of substance⁠—in this rascally calumny, which no man with a spark of decent feeling would have uttered even if he had been ignorant enough to believe it. Miss Tarleton’s conduct, since I have had the honor of knowing her, has been, I need hardly say, in every respect beyond reproach. To Gunner. As for you, sir, you’ll have the goodness to come out with me immediately. I have some business with you which can’t be settled in Mrs. Tarleton’s presence or in her house. | | Gunner | Painfully frightened. Why should I go out with you? | | Percival | Because I intend that you shall. | | Gunner | I won’t be bullied by you. Percival makes a threatening step towards him. Police! He tries to bolt; but Percival seizes him. Leave me go, will you? What right have you to lay hands on me? | | Tarleton | Let him run for it, Mr. Percival. He’s very poor company. We shall be well rid of him. Let him go. | | Percival | Not until he has taken back and made the fullest apology for the abominable lie he has told. He shall do that or he shall defend himself as best he can against the most thorough thrashing I’m capable of giving him. Releasing Gunner, but facing him ominously. Take your choice. Which is it to be? | | Gunner | Give me a fair chance. Go and stick at a desk from nine to six for a month, and let me have your grub and your sport and your lessons in boxing, and I’ll fight you fast enough. You know I’m no good or you daren’t bully me like this. | | Percival | You should have thought of that before you attacked a lady with a dastardly slander. I’m waiting for your decision. I’m rather in a hurry, please. | | Gunner | I never said anything against the lady. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Oh, listen to that! | | Bentley | What a liar! | | Hypatia | Oh! | | Tarleton | Oh, come! | | Percival | We’ll have it in writing, if you don’t mind. Pointing to the writing table. Sit down; and take that pen in your hand. Gunner looks irresolutely a little way round; then obeys. Now write. “I,” whatever your name is⁠— | | Gunner | After a vain attempt. I can’t. My hand’s shaking too much. You see it’s no use. I’m doing my best. I can’t. | | Percival | Mr. Summerhays will write it: you can sign it. | | Bentley | Insolently to Gunner. Get up. Gunner obeys; and Bentley, shouldering him aside towards Percival, takes his place and prepares to write. | | Percival | What’s your name? | | Gunner | John Brown. | | Tarleton | Oh come! Couldn’t you make it Horace Smith? or Algernon Robinson? | | Gunner | Agitatedly. But my name is John Brown. There are really John Browns. How can I help it if my name’s a common one? | | Bentley | Show us a letter addressed to you. | | Gunner | How can I? I never get any letters: I’m only a clerk. I can show you J. B. on my handkerchief. He takes out a not very clean one. | | Bentley | With disgust. Oh, put it up again. Let it go at John Brown. | | Percival | Where do you live? | | Gunner | 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, N.W. | | Percival | Dictating. I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I⁠—To Tarleton. What did he do exactly? | | Tarleton | Dictating.⁠—I trespassed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath⁠— | | Bentley | Go slow, old man. Just a moment. “Turkish bath”⁠—yes? | | Tarleton | Continuing.⁠—with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton⁠— | | Mrs. Tarleton | Oh, John! You might have been killed. | | Tarleton | —and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lina Szczepanowska. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Is she celebrated? Apologetically. I never dreamt⁠— | | Bentley | Look here: I’m awfully sorry; but I can’t spell Szczepanowska. | | Percival | I think it’s S, z, c, z⁠—Lina gives him her visiting-card. Thank you. He throws it on Bentley’s blotter. | | Bentley | Thanks awfully. He writes the name. | | Tarleton | To Percival. Now it’s your turn. | | Percival | Dictating. I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation. | | | Impressive silence whilst Bentley writes. | | Bentley | “foundation”? | | Percival | I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct⁠—he waits for Bentley to write. | | Bentley | “conduct”? | | Percival | —and I promise Mr. Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life⁠— | | Bentley | “amend my life”? | | Percival | —and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance⁠— | | Bentley | “another chance”? | | Percival | —and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve. | | Bentley | “richly deserve.” | | Percival | To Hypatia. Does that satisfy you, Miss Tarleton? | | Hypatia | Yes: that will teach him to tell lies next time. | | Bentley | Rising to make place for Gunner and handing him the pen. You mean it will teach him to tell the truth next time. | | Tarleton | Ahem! Do you, Patsy? | | Percival | Be good enough to sign. Gunner sits down helplessly and dips the pen in the ink. I hope what you are signing is no mere form of words to you, and that you not only say you are sorry, but that you are sorry. | | | Lord Summerhays and Johnny come in through the pavilion door. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Stop. Mr. Percival: I think, on Hypatia’s account, Lord Summerhays ought to be told about this. | | | Lord Summerhays, wondering what the matter is, comes forward between Percival and Lina. Johnny stops beside Hypatia. | | Percival | Certainly. | | Tarleton | Uneasily. Take my advice, and cut it short. Get rid of him. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Hypatia ought to have her character cleared. | | Tarleton | You let well alone, Chickabiddy. Most of our characters will bear a little careful dusting; but they won’t bear scouring. Patsy is jolly well out of it. What does it matter, anyhow? | | Percival | Mr. Tarleton: we have already said either too much or not enough. Lord Summerhays: will you be kind enough to witness the declaration this man has just signed? | | Gunner | I haven’t yet. Am I to sign now? | | Percival | Of course. Gunner, who is now incapable of doing anything on his own initiative, signs. Now stand up and read your declaration to this gentleman. Gunner makes a vague movement and looks stupidly round. Percival adds peremptorily, Now, please. | | Gunner | Rising apprehensively and reading in a hardly audible voice, like a very sick man. I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I trespassed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath, with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton, and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lena Sh-Sh-sheepanossika. I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation. I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct; and I promise Mr. Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life, and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve. | | | A short and painful silence follows. Then Percival speaks. | | Percival | Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? | | Lord Summerhays | Oh quite, quite. | | Percival | To Hypatia. Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. | | Hypatia | Coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays. I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. | | Percival | First bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless. We need not trouble you any further. Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion. | | Johnny | With less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion. That’s your way. The gardener will show you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. | | Gunner | Oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room. Yes, sir. I⁠—He turns again, appealing to Tarleton. Mayn’t I have my mother’s photographs back again? Mrs. Tarleton pricks up her ears. | | Tarleton | Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs. Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him. | | Mrs. Tarleton | What’s this, John? What were you doing with his mother’s photographs? | | Tarleton | Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it’s all right. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Snatching the photographs from Gunner’s irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance. Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! | | Tarleton | Grimly, to Gunner. Young man: you’re a fool; but you’ve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences⁠—or rather I must take them. | | Mrs. Tarleton | To Gunner. Are you Lucy’s son? | | Gunner | Yes. | | Mrs. Tarleton | And why didn’t you come to me? I didn’t turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didn’t you know that? | | Gunner | No. She never talked to me about anything. | | Tarleton | How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy. Parent and child. Shy. He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Then how did you find out? | | Gunner | From her papers after she died. | | Mrs. Tarleton | Shocked. Is Lucy dead? And I never knew! With an effusion of tenderness. And you here being treated like that, poor orphan, with nobody to take your part! Tear up that foolish paper, child; and sit down and make friends with me. | | Johnny | Hallo, mother this is all very well, you know⁠— | | Percival | But may I point out, Mrs. Tarleton, that⁠— | | Bentley | Do you mean that after what he said of⁠— | | Hypatia | Oh, look here, mamma: this is really⁠— | | Mrs. Tarleton | Will you please speak one at a time? | | | Silence. | | Percival | In a very gentlemanly manner. Will you allow me to remind you, Mrs. Tarleton, that this man has uttered a most serious and disgraceful falsehood concerning Miss Tarleton and myself? | | Mrs. Tarleton | I don’t believe a word of it. If the poor lad was there in the Turkish bath, who has a better right to say what was going on here than he has? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Patsy; and so ought you too, Mr. Percival, for encouraging her. Hypatia retreats to the pavilion, and exchanges grimaces with Johnny, shamelessly enjoying Percival’s sudden reverse. They know their mother. | | Percival | Gasping. Mrs. Tarleton: I give you my word of honor⁠— | | Mrs. Tarleton | Oh, go along with you and your word of honor. Do you think I’m a fool? I wonder you can look the lad in the face after bullying him and making him sign those wicked lies; and all the time you carrying on with my daughter before you’d been half an hour in my house. Fie, for shame! | | Percival | Lord Summerhays: I appeal to you. Have I done the correct thing or not? | | Lord Summerhays | You’ve done your best, Mr. Percival. But the correct thing depends for its success on everybody playing the game very strictly. As a single-handed game, it’s impossible. | | Bentley | Suddenly breaking out lamentably. Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? | | Lord Summerhays | Severely. Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. | | Tarleton | Come, Mr. Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. | | Percival | I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. | | Tarleton | Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. | | Percival | It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs. Tarleton: you’re not playing the game. | | Mrs. Tarleton | I don’t think you’ve behaved at all nicely, Mr. Percival. | | Bentley | I wouldn’t have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. Struggling with a sob. You beast. | | Lord Summerhays | Bentley: you must control yourself. Let me say at the same time, Mr. Percival, that my son seems to have been mistaken in regarding you either as his friend or as a gentleman. | | Percival | Miss Tarleton: I’m suffering this for your sake. I ask you just to say that I am not to blame. Just that and nothing more. | | Hypatia | Gloating mischievously over his distress. You chased me through the heather and kissed me. You shouldn’t have done that if you were not in earnest. | | Percival | Oh, this is really the limit. Turning desperately to Gunner*. Sir: I appeal to you. As a gentleman! as a man of honor! as a man bound to stand by another man! You were in that Turkish bath. You saw how it began. Could any man have behaved more correctly than I did? Is there a shadow of foundation for the accusations brought against me? |