The Apple Cart · Act I (2/2) (6/6)

| Magnus | I am afraid that that is only because the efficiency of the Post Office is as important to them as to the general public. | | Amanda | Stuff! They could get rid of me without shutting up the Post Office. They’re afraid of me⁠—of me, Amanda Postlethwaite. | | Magnus | You coax them, I am afraid. | | Amanda | Coax! What do you think they care for coaxing? They can have all the coaxing they want from younger and prettier women than I by paying for it. No use trying to coax that lot. Intimidate them: that’s the way to handle them. | | Lysistrata | Her voice still broken. I wish I could intimidate them. | | Magnus | But what can Amanda do that you cannot do? | | Amanda | I’ll tell you. She can’t mimic people. And she can’t sing funny songs. I can do both; and that⁠—with all respect, sir⁠—makes me the real queen of England. | | Boanerges | Oh, come! Disgraceful! Shame! | | Amanda | If you provoke me, Bill, I’ll drive you out of your constituency inside of two months. | | Boanerges | Ho! You will, will you? How? | | Amanda | Just as I drove the Chairman of Breakages out of my own constituency when he came down there and tried to take my seat from me. | | Magnus | I never quite understood why he turned tail. How did you do it? | | Amanda | I’ll tell you. He opened his campaign with a great Saturday night speech against me in the Home Lovers’ Hall to five thousand people. In that same hall a week later, I faced a meeting of the very same people. I didn’t argue. I mimicked him. I took all the highfalutin passages in his speech, and repeated them in his best manner until I had the whole five thousand laughing at him. Then I asked them would they like me to sing; and their Yes nearly lifted the roof off. I had two songs. They both had choruses. One went “She lets me go out on Saturday night, on Saturday night, on Saturday night”⁠—like that. The other went “Boo! Hoo! I want Amanda’s Teddy bear to play with.” They sang it under the windows of his hotel next time he came. He cancelled his meeting and left. And that’s how England is governed by yours truly, sir. Lucky for England that Queen Amanda is a good sort, in spite of some surface faults. She resumes her seat with triumphant self-satisfaction. | | Balbus | Lucky for England there’s only one of you: that’s what I say. | | Amanda | Wafts him a kiss. ! | | Magnus | Should not the Queen support the King, your Majesty? | | Amanda | Sorry, sir; but there isn’t room for two monarchs in my realm. I am against you on principle because the talent for mimicry isn’t hereditary. | | Proteus | Now, anybody else? We have heard why the two ladies cannot support the King. Is there anybody who can? | | | Silence. | | Magnus | I see that my appeal has been in vain. I do not reproach you, ladies and gentlemen, because I perceive that your situation is a difficult one. The question is how to change it. | | Nicobar | Sign the ultimatum: that is how. | | Magnus | I am not quite convinced of that. The Home Secretary’s brother-in-law was quite willing to sign the pledge of total abstinence if I would admit him to the Cabinet. His offer was not accepted, because, though none of us doubted that he would sign the pledge, we were not equally certain that the infirmities of his nature would allow him to keep it. My nature is also subject to infirmity. Are you satisfied, Mr. Proteus, that if I sign this ultimatum, I shall not inevitably relapse into the conduct that my nature dictates? | | Proteus | His patience strained. What is the use of going on like this? You are a man on the scaffold, spinning out his prayers to put off the inevitable execution as long as possible. Nothing that you can say will make any difference. You know you must sign. Why not sign and have done with it? | | Nicobar | Now you’re talking, Joe. | | Balbus | That’s the stuff to give him. | | Pliny | Gulp it down, sir. It won’t get any sweeter by keeping: what? | | Lysistrata | Oh, for God’s sake, sign, sir. This is torture to me. | | Magnus | I perceive, gentlemen, that I have come to the end of your patience. I will tax it no further: you have been very forbearing; and I thank you for it. I will say no more by way of discussion; but I must have until five o’clock this evening to consider my decision. At that hour, if I can find no other way out, I will sign without another word. Meanwhile, ladies and gentlemen, au revoir! | | | He rises. All rise. He marches out. | | Proteus | His last wriggle. Never mind: we have him safe enough. What about lunch? I am starving. Will you lunch with me, Lizzie. | | Lysistrata | Don’t speak to me. She rushes out distractedly. | | Amanda | Poor darling Lizzie! She’s a regular old true blue die hard. If only I had her brains and education! or if she had my variety talent! what a queen she’d make! Like old Queen Elizabeth, eh? Don’t grieve, Joe: I’ll lunch with you since you’re so pressing. | | Crassus | Come and lunch with me⁠—all of you. | | Amanda | What opulence! Can you afford it? | | Crassus | Breakages will pay. They have a standing account at the Ritz. Over five thousand a year, it comes to. | | Proteus | Right. Let us spoil the Egyptians. | | Boanerges | With Roman dignity. My lunch will cost me one and sixpence; and I shall pay for it myself. He stalks out. | | Amanda | Calling after him. Don’t make a beast of yourself, Bill. Ta ta! | | Proteus | Come on, come on: it’s ever so late. | | | They all hurry out. Sempronius and Pamphilius, entering, have to stand aside to let them pass before returning to their desks. Proteus, with Amanda on his arm, stops in the doorway on seeing them. | | Proteus | Have you two been listening, may I ask? | | Pamphilius | Well, it would be rather inconvenient wouldn’t it, if we had to be told everything that passed? | | Sempronius | Once for all, Mr. Proteus, the King’s private secretaries must hear everything, see everything, and know everything. | | Proteus | Singularly enough, Mr. Sempronius, I haven’t the slightest objection. He goes. | | Amanda | Going with him. Goodbye, Semmy. So long Pam. | | | Seating themselves at their writing tables and yawning prodigiously. | | Sempronius Pamphilius | Ou‑ou‑ou‑ou‑ou‑fff!!! |