The Apple Cart · An Interlude (2/2) (2/2)

| Orinthia | I cannot understand it. All men are fools and moral cowards when you come to know them. But you are less of a fool and less of a moral coward than any man I have ever known. You have almost the makings of a first rate woman in you. When I leave the earth and soar up to the regions which are my real eternal home, you can follow me: I can speak to you as I can speak to no one else; and you can say things to me that would just make your stupid wife cry. There is more of you in me than of any other man within my reach. There is more of me in you than of any other woman within your reach. We are meant for one another: it is written across the sky that you and I are queen and king. How can you hesitate? What attraction is there for you in your common healthy jolly lumps of children and your common housekeeper wife and the rabble of dowdies and upstarts and intriguers and clowns that think they are governing the country when they are only squabbling with you? Look again at me, man: again and again. Am I not worth a million such? Is not life with me as high above them as the sun is above the gutter? | | Magnus | Yes yes yes yes, of course. You are lovely: you are divine. She cannot restrain a gesture of triumph. And you are enormously amusing. | | | This anticlimax is too much for Orinthia’s exaltation; but she is too clever not to appreciate it. With another gesture, this time of deflation, she sits down at his left hand with an air of suffering patience, and listens in silence to the harangue which follows. | | Magnus | Some day perhaps Nature will graft the roses on the cabbages and make every woman as enchanting as you; and then what a glorious lark life will be! But at present, what I come here for is to enjoy talking to you like this when I need an hour’s respite from royalty: when my stupid wife has been worrying me, or my jolly lumps of children bothering me, or my turbulent Cabinet obstructing me: when, as the doctors say, what I need is a change. You see, my dear, there is no wife on earth so precious, no children so jolly, no Cabinet so tactful that it is impossible ever to get tired of them. Jemima has her limitations, as you have observed. And I have mine. Now if our limitations exactly corresponded I should never want to talk to anyone else; and neither would she. But as that never happens, we are like all other married couples: that is, there are subjects which can never be discussed between us because they are sore subjects. There are people we avoid mentioning to one another because one of us likes them and the other doesn’t. Not only individuals, but whole sorts of people. For instance, your sort. My wife doesn’t like your sort, doesn’t understand it, mistrusts and dreads it. Not without reason; for women like you are dangerous to wives. But I don’t dislike your sort: I understand it, being a little in that line myself. At all events I am not afraid of it; though the least allusion to it brings a cloud over my wife’s face. So when I want to talk freely about it I come and talk to you. And I take it she talks to friends of hers about people of whom she never talks to me. She has men friends from whom she can get some things that she cannot get from me. If she didn’t do so she would be limited by my limitations, which would end in her hating me. So I always do my best to make her men friends feel at home with us. | | Orinthia | A model husband in a model household! And when the model household becomes a bore, I am the diversion. | | Magnus | Well, what more can you ask? Do not let us fall into the common mistake of expecting to become one flesh and one spirit. Every star has its own orbit; and between it and its nearest neighbor there is not only a powerful attraction but an infinite distance. When the attraction becomes stronger than the distance the two do not embrace: they crash together in ruin. We two also have our orbits, and must keep an infinite distance between us to avoid a disastrous collision. Keeping our distance is the whole secret of good manners; and without good manners human society is intolerable and impossible. | | Orinthia | Would any other woman stand your sermons, and even like them? | | Magnus | Orinthia: we are only two children at play; and you must be content to be my queen in fairyland. And rising I must go back to my work. | | Orinthia | What work have you that is more important than being with me? | | Magnus | None. | | Orinthia | Then sit down. | | Magnus | Unfortunately, this silly business of government must be carried on. And there is a crisis this evening, as usual. | | Orinthia | But the crisis is not until five: I heard all about it from Sempronius. Why do you encourage that greedy schemer Proteus? He humbugs you. He humbugs everybody. He even humbugs himself; and of course he humbugs that Cabinet which is a disgrace to you: it is like an overcrowded third class carriage. Why do you allow such riffraff to waste your time? After all, what are you paid for? To be a king: that is, to wipe your boots on common people. | | Magnus | Yes: but this king business, as the Americans call it, has got itself so mixed up with democracy that half the country expects me to wipe my perfectly polished boots on the Cabinet, and the other half expects me to let the Cabinet wipe its muddy boots on me. The Crisis at five o’clock is to decide which of us is to be the doormat. | | Orinthia | And you will condescend to fight with Proteus for power? | | Magnus | Oh no: I never fight. But I sometimes win. | | Orinthia | If you let yourself be beaten by that trickster and poseur, never dare to approach me again. | | Magnus | Proteus is a clever fellow: even on occasion a fine fellow. It would give me no satisfaction to beat him: I hate beating people. But there would be some innocent fun in outwitting him. | | Orinthia | Magnus: you are a mollycoddle. If you were a real man you would just delight in beating him to a jelly. | | Magnus | A real man would never do as a king. I am only an idol, my love; and all I can do is to draw the line at being a cruel idol. He looks at his watch. Now I must really be off. Au revoir. | | Orinthia | Looking at her wrist watch. But it is only twenty-five minutes past four. You have heaps of time before five. | | Magnus | Yes; but tea is at half-past four. | | Orinthia | Catching him by the arm with a snakelike dart. Never mind your tea. I will give you your tea. | | Magnus | Impossible, belovèd. Jemima does not like to be kept waiting. | | Orinthia | Oh, bother Jemima! You shall not leave me to go to Jemima. She pulls him back so vigorously that he falls into the seat beside her. | | Magnus | My dear, I must. | | Orinthia | No, not today. Listen, Magnus. I have something very particular to say to you. | | Magnus | You have not. You are only trying to make me late to annoy my wife. He tries to rise, but is pulled back. Let me go, please. | | Orinthia | Holding on. Why are you so afraid of your wife? You are the laughing stock of London, you poor henpecked darling. | | Magnus | Henpecked! What do you call this? At least my wife does not restrain me by bodily violence. | | Orinthia | I will not be deserted for your old Dutch. | | Magnus | Listen, Orinthia. Don’t be absurd. You know I must go. Do be good. | | Orinthia | Only ten minutes more. | | Magnus | It is half-past already. | | | He tries to rise; but she holds him back. | | Magnus | Pausing for breath. You are doing this out of sheer devilment. You are so abominably strong that I cannot break loose without hurting you. Must I call the guard? | | Orinthia | Do, do. It will be in all the papers tomorrow. | | Magnus | Fiend. Summoning all his dignity. Orinthia: I command you. | | Orinthia | Laughs wildly. !!! | | Magnus | Furious. Very well, then, you she-devil: you shall let go. | | | He tackles her in earnest. She flings her arms round him and holds on with mischievous enjoyment. There is a tapping at the door; they do not hear it. As he is breaking loose she suddenly shifts her grip to his waist and drags him on to the floor, where they roll over one another. Sempronius enters. He stares at the scandalous scene for a moment; then hastily slips out; shuts the door; clears his throat and blows his nose noisily; and knocks loudly and repeatedly. The two combatants cease hostilities and scramble hastily to their feet. | | Magnus | Come in. | | Sempronius | Entering. Her Majesty sent me to remind you that tea is waiting, sir. | | Magnus | Thank you. He goes quickly out. | | Orinthia | Panting but greatly pleased with herself. The King forgets everything when he is here. So do I, I am afraid. I am so sorry. | | Sempronius | Stiffly. No explanations are needed. I saw what happened. He goes out. | | Orinthia | The beast! He must have looked through the keyhole. She throws her hand up with a gesture of laughing defiance, and dances back to her seat at the writing-table. |