Short Fiction · Dearest (3/3)

“Attaboy, Popsy!” Dearest enthused. “Now you have them on the run; don’t give them a chance to reform. You know what Patton always said⁠—Grab ’em by the nose and kick ’em in the pants.”

Colonel Hampton relighted his cigar. “Patton only said ‘pants’ when he was talking for publication,” he told her, sotto voce. Then he noticed the unsigned commitment paper lying on the desk. He picked it up, crumpled it, and threw it into the fire.

“I don’t think you’ll be needing that,” he said. “You know, this isn’t the first time my loving nephew has expressed doubts as to my sanity.” He sat down in the chair at the desk, motioning to his servant to bring him a drink. “And see to the other gentlemen’s glasses, Sergeant,” he directed. “Back in 1929, Stephen thought I was crazy as a bedbug to sell all my securities and take a paper loss, around the first of September. After October 24th, I bought them back at about twenty percent of what I’d sold them for, after he’d lost his shirt.” That, he knew, would have an effect on T. Barnwell Powell. “And in December, 1944, I was just plain nuts, selling all my munition shares and investing in a company that manufactured baby-food. Stephen thought that Rundstedt’s Ardennes counteroffensive would put off the end of the war for another year and a half!”

“Baby-food, eh?” Doctor Vehrner chuckled.

Colonel Hampton sipped his whiskey slowly, then puffed on his cigar. “No, this pair were competent liars,” he replied. “A good workmanlike liar never makes up a story out of the whole cloth; he always takes a fabric of truth and embroiders it to suit the situation.” He smiled grimly; that was an accurate description of his own tactical procedure at the moment. “I hadn’t intended this to come out, Doctor, but it happens that I am a convinced believer in spiritualism. I suppose you’ll think that’s a delusional belief, too?”

“Well.⁠ ⁠…” Doctor Vehrner pursed his lips. “I reject the idea of survival after death, myself, but I think that people who believe in such a theory are merely misevaluating evidence. It is definitely not, in itself, a symptom of a psychotic condition.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” The Colonel gestured with his cigar. “Now, I’ll admit their statements about my appearing to be in conversation with some invisible or imaginary being. That’s all quite true. I’m convinced that I’m in direct-voice communication with the spirit of a young girl who was killed by Indians in this section about a hundred and seventy-five years ago. At first, she communicated by automatic writing; later we established direct-voice communication. Well, naturally, a man in my position would dislike the label of spirit-medium; there are too many invidious associations connected with the term. But there it is. I trust both of you gentlemen will remember the ethics of your respective professions and keep this confidential.”

“Oh, brother!” Dearest was fairly hugging him with delight. “When bigger and better lies are told, we tell them, don’t we, Popsy?”

“Yes, and try and prove otherwise,” Colonel Hampton replied, around his cigar. Then he blew a jet of smoke and spoke to the men in front of him.

“I intend paying for my nephew’s hospitalization, and for his wife’s funeral,” he said. “And then, I’m going to pack up all his personal belongings, and all of hers; when he’s discharged from the hospital, I’ll ship them wherever he wants them. But he won’t be allowed to come back here. After this business, I’m through with him.”

T. Barnwell Powell nodded primly. “I don’t blame you, in the least, Colonel,” he said. “I think you have been abominably treated, and your attitude is most generous.” He was about to say something else, when the doorbell tinkled and Sergeant Williamson went out into the hall. “Oh, dear; I suppose that’s the police, now,” the lawyer said. He grimaced like a small boy in a dentist’s chair.

Colonel Hampton felt Dearest leave him for a moment. Then she was back.

“The ambulance.” Then he caught a sparkle of mischief in her mood. “Let’s have some fun, Popsy! The doctor is a young man, with brown hair and a mustache, horn-rimmed glasses, a blue tie and a tan-leather bag. One of the ambulance men has red hair, and the other has a mercurochrome-stain on his left sleeve. Tell them your spirit-guide told you.”

The old soldier’s tobacco-yellowed mustache twitched with amusement.

“No, gentlemen, it is the ambulance,” he corrected. “My spirit-control says.⁠ ⁠…” He relayed Dearest’s descriptions to them.

T. Barnwell Powell blinked. A speculative look came into the psychiatrist’s eyes; he was probably wishing the commitment paper hadn’t been destroyed.

Then the doctor came bustling in, brown-mustached, blue-tied, spectacled, carrying a tan bag, and behind him followed the two ambulance men, one with a thatch of flaming red hair and the other with a stain of mercurochrome on his jacket-sleeve.

For an instant, the lawyer and the psychiatrist gaped at them. Then T. Barnwell Powell put one hand to his mouth and made a small gibbering sound, and Doctor Vehrner gave a faint squawk, and then both men grabbed, simultaneously, for the whiskey bottle.

The laughter of Dearest tinkled inaudibly through the rumbling mirth of Colonel Hampton.