The Devil’s Dictionary · A (1/2)

A

A is the first letter in every properly constructed alphabet. It is the first natural utterance of the human vocal organs, and is variously sounded, according to the pleasure and convenience of the speaker. In logic, A asserts and B denies. Assertions being proverbially untrue, the presumption would be in favor of B’s innocence were it not that denials are notoriously false. In grammar, A is called the indefinite article, probably because, denoting a definite number, it is so obviously a numeral adjective.

Abacot : A cap of state wrought into the shape of two crowns, formerly worn by kings. Very petty monarchs had it made in the form of three crowns.

Abactor : One who steals a whole herd of cattle, as distinguished from the inferior actor who steals one animal at a time⁠—a superior stock actor, as it were.

Abacus : In architecture, the upper part of a column, upon which, in all good architecture, sits the thoughtful stork pondering unutterable things.

Abada : An African animal having three horns, two on the head and one on the nape of the neck by which to hang up the carcass after the head has been removed. In those varieties that are not hunted by man, this third horn is imperfectly developed or wholly wanting.

Abaddon : A certain person who is much in society, but whom one does not meet. A bad one.

Abandon : To correct an erring friend or admonish a needy one. Of women the word abandoned is used in the sense of indiscreet.

Abasement : A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.

Abatis : 1. Embarrassing circumstances placed outside a fort in order to augment the coy reluctance of the enemy. 2. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

Abattoir : A place where cattle slaughter kine. It is commonly placed at some distance from the haunts of our species, in order that they who devour the flesh may not be shocked by the sight of the blood.

Abat-voix : A sounding brass above a tinkling cymbal.

Abba : A father who has made a vow not to be a husband.

Abbess : A female father.

Abderian : Abderian laughter is idle and senseless laughter; so called because Democritus, an idle and senseless philosopher, is said to have been born at Abdera, whence the word was hardly worth importing.

Abdest : The Muslim ceremony of inspiring water through the nose before expiring prayer from the stomach.

Abdication : An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne. The surrender of a crown for a cowl, in order to compile the shinbones and toenails of saints. The voluntary renunciation of that of which one has previously been deprived by force. The giving up of a throne for the purpose of enjoying the discomfiture of a successor. For these several definitions we are indebted to Spanish history.

> Poor Isabella’s Dead, whose abdication
>   
> Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
>   
> For that performance ’twere unfair to scold her:
>   
> She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
>   
> To History she’ll be no royal riddle⁠—
>   
> Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
>
> —⁠G. J.

Abdomen : A shrine enclosing the object of man’s sincerest devotion; the temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a halfhearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world’s marketing the race would become graminivorous.

Abduction : In law, a crime; in morals, a punishment.

Abelians : A religious sect of Africa who practiced the virtues of Abel. They were unfortunate in flourishing contemporaneously with the Cainians, and are now extinct.

Aberration : Any deviation in another from one’s own habit of thought, not sufficient in itself to constitute insanity.

Abet : To encourage in crime, as to aid poverty with pennies.

Abhorrence : One of the degrees of disapproval due to what is imperfectly understood.

Abide : To treat with merited indifference the landlord’s notification that he has let his house to a party willin’ to pay.

Ability : 1. That rare quality of mind to which monuments are erected by posterity above the bones of paupers. 2. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

Abject : Innocent of income; without estate; devoid of good clothing.

Abjectly : In the manner of a poor but honest person.

Abjure : To take the preliminary step toward resumption.

Ablative : A certain case of Latin nouns. The ablative absolute is an ancient form of grammatical error much admired by modern scholars.

Abnegation : Renunciation of unprofitable pleasures or painful gains.

Abnormal : Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

Abominable : The quality of another’s opinions.

Aborigines : 1. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. 2. Considerate persons who will not trouble the lexicographer of the future to describe them.

Abracadabra : > By Abracadabra we signify >
> An infinite number of things. >
> ’Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? >
> And Whence? and Whither?⁠—a word whereby >
> The Truth (with the comfort it brings) >
> Is open to all who grope in night, >
> Crying for Wisdom’s holy light. > > Whether the word is a verb or a noun >
> Is knowledge beyond my reach. >
> I only know that ’tis handed down. >
> From sage to sage, >
> From age to age⁠— >
> An immortal part of speech! > > Of an ancient man the tale is told >
> That he lived to be ten centuries old, >
> In a cave on a mountain side. >
> (True, he finally died.) >
> The fame of his wisdom filled the land, >
> For his head was bald, and you’ll understand >
> His beard was long and white >
> And his eyes uncommonly bright. > > Philosophers gathered from far and near >
> To sit at his feet and hear and hear, >
> Though he never was heard >
> To utter a word >
> But “Abracadabra, abracadab, >
> Abracada, abracad, >
> Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!” >
> ’Twas all he had, >
> ’Twas all they wanted to hear, and each >
> Made copious notes of the mystical speech, >
> Which they published next⁠— >
> A trickle of text >
> In a meadow of commentary. >
> Mighty big books were these, >
> In number, as leaves of trees; >
> In learning, remarkable⁠—very! > > He’s dead, >
> As I said, >
> And the books of the sages have perished, >
> But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. >
> In Abracadabra it solemnly rings, >
> Like an ancient bell that forever swings. >
> O, I love to hear >
> That word make clear >
> Humanity’s General Sense of Things. > > —⁠Jamrach Holobom

Abridge : To shorten.

> When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
>
> —⁠Oliver Cromwell

Abridgement : A brief summary of some person’s literary work, in which those parts that tell against the convictions of the abridger are omitted for want of space.

Abroad : At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.

Abrupt : Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author’s ideas that they were “concatenated without abruption.”

Abruption : Dr. Johnson said of a certain work that the ideas were “concatenated without abruption.” In deference to that great authority we have given the word a place.

Abscond : 1. To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative and miss the return train. 2. To “move in a mysterious way,” commonly with the property of another.

> Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
>   
> The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
>
> —⁠Phela Orm

Absence : That which “makes the heart grow fonder”⁠—of absence. Absence of mind is the cerebral condition essential to success in popular preaching. It is sometimes termed lack of sense.

Absent : 1. Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. 2. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

> To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
>   
> What face he carries or what form he wears?
>   
> But woman’s body is the woman. O,
>   
> Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
>   
> But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
>   
> A woman absent is a woman dead.
>
> —⁠Jogo Tyree

Absentee : A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

Absolute : 1. In Philosophy, existing without reference to anything, and for a purely selfish purpose. Absolute certainty is one of the possible degrees of probability. 2. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins; a form of government in which the chief power is vested in a gentleman who is near his end. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign’s power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

Abstainer : A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

> Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought
>   
> You a total abstainer, my son.”
>   
> “So I am, so I am,” said the scapegrace caught⁠—
>   
> “But not, sir, a bigoted one.”
>
> —⁠G. J.

Abstemious : Thoughtfully deferential to one’s overtaxed capacity.

Abstruseness : The bait of a bare hook.

Absurdity : 1. The argument of an opponent. A belief in which one has not had the misfortune to be instructed. 2. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

Abundance : A means, under Providence, of withholding alms from the destitute.

Abuse : The goal of debate. Abuse of power is the exercise of authority in a manner unpleasant to ourselves.

Academe : An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy : (from academe)

1. Originally a grove in which philosophers sought a meaning in nature; now a school in which naturals seek a meaning in philosophy.
2. A modern school where football is taught.

Accept : In Courtship to reap the whirlwind after sowing the wind. To accept office is to take with decent reluctance the reward of immodest avidity. To accept a challenge is to become a sincere believer in the sanctity of human life.

Accident : An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

Acclimated : Secured against endemic diseases through having died of one.

Accommodate : To oblige; to lay the foundation of future exactions.

Accomplice : 1. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney’s position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting. 2. Your partner in business.

Accord : Harmony.

Accordion : An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Accoucheur : The devil’s purveyor.

Accountability : The mother of caution.

> “My accountability, bear in mind,”
>   
> Said the Grand Vizier: “Yes, yes,”
>   
> Said the Shah: “I do⁠—’tis the only kind
>   
> Of ability you possess.”
>
> —⁠Joram Tate

Accuse : To affirm another’s guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

Acephalous : In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

Achievement : The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

Acknowledge : To confess. Acknowledgement of one another’s faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

Acquaintance : A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

Actually : Perhaps; possibly.

Adage : Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

Adamant : A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

Adder : A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

Adherent : A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Administration : An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

Admiral : That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Admiration : Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Admonition : Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.

> Consigned by way of admonition,
>   
> His soul forever to perdition.
>
> —⁠Judibras

Adore : To venerate expectantly.

Advice : The smallest current coin.

> “The man was in such deep distress,”
>   
> Said Tom, “that I could do no less
>   
> Than give him good advice.” Said Jim:
>   
> “If less could have been done for him
>   
> I know you well enough, my son,
>   
> To know that’s what you would have done.”
>
> —⁠Jebel Jocordy

Affianced : Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

Affliction : An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

African : A nigger that votes our way.

Age : That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

Agitator : A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors⁠—to dislodge the worms.

Aim : The task we set our wishes to.