The Devil’s Dictionary · I (1/3)

I

I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of “I” distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.

Ichor : A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.

> Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,
>   
> Restrained the raging chief and said:
>   
> “Behold, rash mortal, whom you’ve bled⁠—
>   
> Your soul’s stained white with ichorshed!”
>
> —⁠Mary Doke

Iconoclast : A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: “Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it.”

Idiot : A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a deadline.

Idleness : A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

Ignoramus : A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

> Dumble was an ignoramus,
>   
> Mumble was for learning famous.
>   
> Mumble said one day to Dumble:
>   
> “Ignorance should be more humble.
>   
> Not a spark have you of knowledge
>   
> That was got in any college.”
>   
> Dumble said to Mumble: “Truly
>   
> You’re self-satisfied unduly.
>   
> Of things in college I’m denied
>   
> A knowledge⁠—you of all beside.”
>
> —⁠Borelli

Illuminati : A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights⁠—cunctationes illuminati.

Illustrious : Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

Imagination : A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

Imbecility : A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.

Immigrant : An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Immodest : Having a strong sense of one’s own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others.

> There was once a man in Ispahan
>   
> Ever and ever so long ago,
>   
> And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
>   
> That fitted him for a show.
>
> For his modesty’s bump was so large a lump
>   
> (Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
>   
> That its summit stood far above the wood
>   
> Of his hair, like a mountain peak.
>
> So modest a man in all Ispahan,
>   
> Over and over again they swore⁠—
>   
> So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
>   
> None ever was found before.
>
> Meantime the hump of that awful bump
>   
> Into the heavens contrived to get
>   
> To so great a height that they called the wight
>   
> The man with the minaret.
>
> There wasn’t a man in all Ispahan
>   
> Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
>   
> With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
>   
> He bragged of that beautiful bump
>
> Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page
>   
> Bearing a sack and a bowstring too,
>   
> And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
>   
> “A little present for you.”
>
> The saddest man in all Ispahan,
>   
> Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
>   
> “If I’d lived,” said he, “my humility
>   
> Had given me deathless fame!”
>
> —⁠Sukker Uffro

Immoral : Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man’s notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences⁠—then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.

Immortality : > A toy which people cry for, >
> And on their knees apply for, >
> Dispute, contend and lie for, >
> And if allowed >
> Would be right proud >
> Eternally to die for. > > —⁠G. J.

Impale : In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting posture. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in “churching” heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the “stoole of repentynge,” and among the common people it was jocularly known as “riding the one legged horse.” Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Tibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weathercock on the spire of the True Church.

Impartial : Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.

Impenitence : A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

Impiety : Your irreverence toward my deity.

Imposition : The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands⁠—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.

> “Lo! by the laying on of hands,”
>   
> Say parson, priest and dervise,
>   
> “We consecrate your cash and lands
>   
> To ecclesiastic service.
>   
> No doubt you’ll swear till all is blue
>   
> At such an imposition. Do.”
>
> —⁠Pollo Doncas

Impostor : A rival aspirant to public honors.

Improbability : > His tale he told with a solemn face >
> And a tender, melancholy grace. >
> Improbable ’twas, no doubt, >
> When you came to think it out, >
> But the fascinated crowd >
> Their deep surprise avowed >
> And all with a single voice averred >
> ’Twas the most amazing thing they’d heard⁠— >
> All save one who spake never a word, >
> But sat as mum >
> As if deaf and dumb, >
> Serene, indifferent and unstirred. >
> Then all the others turned to him >
> And scrutinized him limb from limb⁠— >
> Scanned him alive; >
> But he seemed to thrive >
> And tranquiler grow each minute, >
> As if there were nothing in it. >
> “What! what!” cried one, “are you not amazed >
> At what our friend has told?” He raised >
> Soberly then his eyes and gazed >
> In a natural way >
> And proceeded to say, >
> As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: >
> “O no⁠—not at all; I’m a liar myself.”

Improvidence : Provision for the needs of today from the revenues of tomorrow.

Impunity : Wealth.

Inadmissible : Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges’ decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.

Inauspiciously : In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds⁠—the omens thence derived being called auspices. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word⁠—always in the plural⁠—shall mean “patronage” or “management”; as, “The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers”; or, “The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger.”

> A Roman slave appeared one day
>   
> Before the Augur. “Tell me, pray,
>   
> If⁠—” here the Augur, smiling, made
>   
> A checking gesture and displayed
>   
> His open palm, which plainly itched,
>   
> For visibly its surface twitched.
>   
> A *denarius* (the Latin nickel)
>   
> Successfully allayed the tickle,
>   
> And then the slave proceeded: “Please
>   
> Inform me whether Fate decrees
>   
> Success or failure in what I
>   
> Tonight (if it be dark) shall try.
>   
> Its nature? Never mind⁠—I think
>   
> ’Tis writ on this”⁠—and with a wink
>   
> Which darkened half the earth, he drew
>   
> Another denarius to view,
>   
> Its shining face attentive scanned,
>   
> Then slipped it into the good man’s hand,
>   
> Who with great gravity said: “Wait
>   
> While I retire to question Fate.”
>   
> That holy person then withdrew
>   
> His sacred clay and, passing through
>   
> The temple’s rearward gate, cried “Shoo!”
>   
> Waving his robe of office. Straight
>   
> Each sacred peacock and its mate
>   
> (Maintained for Juno’s favor) fled
>   
> With clamor from the trees o’erhead,
>   
> Where they were perching for the night.
>   
> The temple’s roof received their flight,
>   
> For thither they would always go,
>   
> When danger threatened them below.
>   
> Back to the slave the Augur went:
>   
> “My son, forecasting the event
>   
> By flight of birds, I must confess
>   
> The auspices deny success.”
>   
> That slave retired, a sadder man,
>   
> Abandoning his secret plan⁠—
>   
> Which was (as well the crafty seer
>   
> Had from the first divined) to clear
>   
> The wall and fraudulently seize
>   
> On Juno’s poultry in the trees.
>
> —⁠G. J.

Income : The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as “Sir Sycophas Chrysolater” in the play has justly remarked, “the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth⁠—coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one’s own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy.”

Incompatibility : In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache.

Incompossible : Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both⁠—as Walt Whitman’s poetry and God’s mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as “Go heel yourself⁠—I mean to kill you on sight,” the words, “Sir, we are incompossible,” would convey an equally significant intimation and in stately courtesy are altogether superior.

Incubus : One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of incubi and succubi, including incubae and succubae, see the Liber Demonorum of Protassus (Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place in a dictionary intended as a textbook for the public schools.

Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself⁠—tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless⁠—sometimes plays at *incubus*, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brow for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test.

Incumbent : A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.