The Devil’s Dictionary · I (2/3)

Indecision : The chief element of success; “for whereas,” saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, “there is but one way to do nothing and divers ways to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards”⁠—a most clear and satisfactory exposition of the matter.

“Your prompt decision to attack,” said General Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, “was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in.”

“Yes, sir,” answered the victorious subordinate, “it is a great thing to know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment⁠—I toss up a copper.”

“Do you mean to say that’s what you did this time?”

“Yes, General; but for Heaven’s sake don’t reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin.”

Indifferent : Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.

> “You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio’s wife,
>   
> “You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.”
>   
> “Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile;
>   
> “I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”
>
> —⁠Apuleius M. Gokul

Indigestion : A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: “Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God.”

Indiscretion : The guilt of woman.

Inexpedient : Not calculated to advance one’s interests.

Infancy : The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.” The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

Inferiae : (Latin.) Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitiation of the Dii Manes, or souls of dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior’s shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at that point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine medieval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further than Père Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel’s judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow⁠—wow.

Infidel : In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See Giaour.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mullahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbés, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imams, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonzes, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gurus, precentors, beadles, fakirs, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, curés, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.

Influence : In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.

Infralapsarian : One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to⁠—in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person’s fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.

> Two theologues once, as they wended their way
>   
> To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray⁠—
>   
> An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
>   
> Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.
>   
> “ ’Twas Predestination,” cried one⁠—“for the Lord
>   
> Decreed he should fall of his own accord.”
>   
> “Not so⁠—’twas Free will,” the other maintained,
>   
> “Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained.”
>   
> So fierce and so fiery grew the debate
>   
> That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;
>   
> So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground
>   
> And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
>   
> Ere either had proved his theology right
>   
> By winning, or even beginning, the fight,
>   
> A gray old professor of Latin came by,
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> A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,
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> And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still
>   
> As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill
>   
> Of foreordinational freedom of will)
>   
> Cried: “Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
>   
> Atwixt ye’s no difference worthy of blows.
>   
> The sects ye belong to⁠—I’m ready to swear
>   
> Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.
>   
> *You*⁠—Infralapsarian son of a clown!⁠—
>   
> Should only contend that Adam slipped down;
>   
> While *you*⁠—you Supralapsarian pup!⁠—
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> Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.
>   
> It’s all the same whether up or down
>   
> You slip on a peel of banana brown.
>   
> Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,
>   
> But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!
>
> —⁠G. J.

Ingrate : One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.

> “All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic. “Nay,”
>   
> The good philanthropist replied;
>   
> “I did great service to a man one day
>   
> Who never since has cursed me to repay,
>   
> Nor vilified.”
>
> “Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight⁠—
>   
> With veneration I am overcome,
>   
> And fain would have his blessing.” “Sad your fate⁠—
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> He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state
>   
> This man is dumb.”
>
> —⁠Ariel Selp

Injury : An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.

Injustice : A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

Ink : A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.

Innards : The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an innard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our immortal part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man’s soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.

Innate : Natural, inherent⁠—as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it “a black eye.” Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one’s ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one’s country, in the superiority of one’s civilization, in the importance of one’s personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one’s diseases.

Inscription : Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See epitaph.)

> “In the sky my soul is found,
>   
> And my body in the ground.
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> By and by my body’ll rise
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> To my spirit in the skies,
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> Soaring up to Heaven’s gate.
>   
> 1878.”

> “Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous.”

> “Affliction sore long time she boar,
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> Phisicians was in vain,
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> Till Deth released the dear deceased
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> And left her a remain.
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> Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss.”

> “The clay that rests beneath this stone
>   
> As Silas Wood was widely known.
>   
> Now, lying here, I ask what good
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> It was to me to be S. Wood.
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> O Man, let not ambition trouble you,
>   
> Is the advice of Silas W.”

> “Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874.”

Insectivora : > “See,” cries the chorus of admiring preachers, >
> “How Providence provides for all His creatures!” >
> “His care,” the gnat said, “even the insects follows: >
> For us He has provided wrens and swallows.” > > —⁠Sempen Railey

Insurance : An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

> |  |  |
> | --- | --- |
> | Insurance agent | My dear sir, that is a fine house⁠—pray let me insure it. |
> | House owner | With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. |
> | Agent | O dear, no⁠—we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. |
> | Owner | How, then, can *I* afford *that*? |
> | Agent | Why, your house may burn down at any time. There was Smith’s house, for example, which⁠— |
> | Owner | Spare me⁠—there were Brown’s house, on the contrary, and Jones’s house, and Robinson’s house, which⁠— |
> | Agent | Spare *me*! |
> | Owner | Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the supposition that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last so long as you say that it will probably last. |
> | Agent | But if your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss. |
> | Owner | Beg your pardon⁠—by your own actuary’s tables I shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid to you⁠—amounting to more than the face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were insured? |
> | Agent | O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss. |
> | Owner | And virtually, then, don’t I help to pay their losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case stands this way: you expect to take more money from your clients than you pay to them, do you not? |
> | Agent | Certainly; if we did not⁠— |
> | Owner | I would not trust you with my money. Very well, then. If it is *certain*, with reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you it is *probable*, with reference to any one of them, that *he* will. It is these individual probabilities that make the aggregate certainty. |
> | Agent | I will not deny it⁠—but look at the figures in this pamph⁠— |
> | Owner | Heaven forbid! |
> | Agent | You spoke of saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. |
> | Owner | The willingness of A to take care of B’s money is not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving Object. |

Insurrection : An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection’s failure to substitute misrule for bad government.

Intention : The mind’s sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.

Interpreter : One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said.

Interregnum : The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.

Intimacy : A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

> Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
>   
> And one in white, together drew
>   
> And having each a pleasant sense
>   
> Of t’other powder’s excellence,
>   
> Forsook their jackets for the snug
>   
> Enjoyment of a common mug.
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> So close their intimacy grew
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> One paper would have held the two.
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> To confidences straight they fell,
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> Less anxious each to hear than tell;
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> Then each remorsefully confessed
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> To all the virtues he possessed,
>   
> Acknowledging he had them in
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> So high degree it was a sin.
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> The more they said, the more they felt
>   
> Their spirits with emotion melt,
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> Till tears of sentiment expressed
>   
> Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
>   
> So Nature executes her feats
>   
> Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
>   
> The good old rule who won’t apply,
>   
> That you are you and I am I.