Giant’s Bread · Book V · I · Chapter 5 1 2 (2/2)

“The will of God! Would you be able to say that, if God’s will didn’t happen to coincide with Nell Chetwynd’s comfort, I wonder? You don’t know anything about God or you couldn’t have spoken like that, gently patting God on the back for making life comfortable and easy for you. Do you know a text that used to frighten me in the Bible? This night shall thy soul be required of thee. When God requires your soul of you, be sure you’ve got a soul to give Him!”

She paused and then said quietly: “I’ll go now. I shouldn’t have come. But I wanted to see Vernon’s home. I apologize for what I’ve said. But you’re so damned smug, Nell. You don’t know it, but you are. Smug⁠—that’s the word. Life to you means yourself and yourself only. What about Vernon? Was it best for him? Do you think he wanted to die right at the beginning of everything he cared for?”

Nell flung her head back defiantly.

“I made him happy.”

“I wasn’t thinking of his happiness. I was thinking of his music. You and Abbots Puissants⁠—what do you matter? Vernon had genius. That’s the wrong way of putting it⁠—he belonged to his genius. And genius is the hardest master there is⁠—everything has got to be sacrificed to it. Your trumpery happiness, even, would have had to go if it stood in the way. Genius has got to be served. Music wanted Vernon⁠—and he’s dead. That’s the crying shame, the thing that matters, the thing you never even consider. I know why⁠—because you were afraid of it, Nell. It doesn’t make for peace and happiness and security. But I tell you, it’s got to be served.”

Suddenly her face relaxed, the old mocking light that Nell hated came back to her eyes. She said:

“Don’t worry, Nell. You’re much the strongest of us all. Protective colouring! I told Sebastian so long ago, and I was right. You’ll endure when we’ve all perished. Goodbye. I’m sorry I’ve been a devil, but I’m made that way.”

Nell stood staring after her retreating figure. She clenched her hands and said under her breath:

“I hate you. I’ve always hated you.”