Section 5

and presents of Fortune, are traps and snares which she lays for the unwary.「 I am arming myself against her favours with all my philosophy; and that I may not lose myself in such a redundance of unnecessary and superfluous wealth, I have determined to settle an annual pension out of it upon a family of Palatines, and by that means give these unhappy strangers a taste of British property. At the same time, as I have an excellent servant-maid, whose diligence in attending me has increased in proportion to my infirmities, I shall settle upon her the revenue arising out of the ten pounds, and amounting to fourteen shillings per annum, with which she may retire into Wales, where she was born a gentlewoman, and pass the remaining part of her days in a condition suitable to her birth and quality. It was impossible for me to make an inspection into my own fortune on this occasion, without seeing at the same time the fate of others who are embarked in the same adventure. And indeed it was a great pleasure to me to observe, that the war, which generally impoverishes those who furnish out the expense of it, will by this means give estates to some, without making others the poorer for it. I have lately seen several in liveries, who will give as good of their own very suddenly; and took a particular satisfaction in the sight of a young country wench, whom I this morning passed by as she was whirling her mop,[40] with her petticoats tucked up very agreeably, who, if there is any truth in my art, is within ten[41] months of being the handsomest great fortune in town. I must confess, I was so struck with the foresight of what she is to be, that I treated her accordingly, and said to her, 「Pray, young lady, permit me to pass by.「 I would for this reason advise all masters and mistresses to carry it with great moderation and condescension towards their servants till next Michaelmas, lest the superiority at that time should be inverted. I must likewise admonish all my brethren and fellow adventurers, to fill their minds with proper arguments for their support and consolation in case of ill-success. It so happens in this particular, that though the gainers will have reason to rejoice, the losers will have no reason to complain. I remember, the day after the thousand pound prize was drawn in the penny lottery,[42] I went to visit a splenetic acquaintance of mine, who was under much dejection, and seemed to me to have suffered some great disappointment. Upon inquiry, I found he had put twopence for himself and his son into the lottery and that neither of them had drawn the thousand pound. Hereupon this unlucky person took occasion to enumerate the misfortunes of his life, and concluded with telling me, that he never was successful in any of his undertakings. I was forced to comfort him with the common reflection upon such occasions, that men of the greatest merit are not always men of the greatest success, and that persons of his character must not expect to be as happy as fools. I shall proceed in the like manner with my rivals and competitors for the thousand pounds a year which we are now in pursuit of; and that I may give general content to the whole body of candidates, I shall allow all that draw prizes to be fortunate, and all that miss them to be wise.

I must not here omit to acknowledge, that I have received several letters upon this subject, but find one common error running through them all, which is, that the writers of them believe their fate in these cases depends upon the astrologer, and not upon the stars, as in the following letter from one, who, I fear, flatters himself with hopes of success, which are altogether groundless, since he does not seem to me so great a fool as he takes himself to be:

 「SIR,

 「Coming to town, and finding my friend Mr. Partridge dead and
 buried, and you the only conjurer in repute, I am under a necessity
 of applying myself to you for a favour, which nevertheless I
 confess it would better become a friend to ask, than one who is, as
 I am altogether, a stranger to you; but poverty, you know, is
 impudent; and as that gives me the occasion, so that alone could
 give me the confidence to be thus importunate.

 「I am, sir, very poor, and very desirous to be otherwise: I have
 got ten pounds, which I design to venture in the lottery now on
 foot. What I desire of you is, that by your art, you will choose
 such a ticket for me as shall arise a benefit sufficient to
 maintain me. I must beg leave to inform you, that I am good for
 nothing, and must therefore insist upon a larger lot than would
 satisfy those who are capable by their own abilities of adding
 something to what you should assign them; whereas I must expect an
 absolute, independent maintenance, because, as I said, I can do
 nothing. 'Tis possible, after this free confession of mine, you may
 think I don't deserve to be rich; but I hope you'll likewise
 observe, I can ill afford to be poor. My own opinion is, I am well
 qualified for an estate, and have a good title to luck in a
 lottery; but I resign myself wholly to your mercy, not without
 hopes that you will consider, the less I deserve, the greater the
 generosity in you. If you reject me, I have agreed with an
 acquaintance of mine to bury me for my ten pounds. I once more
 recommend myself to your favour, and bid you adieu.「

I cannot forbear publishing another letter which I have received, because it redounds to my own credit, as well as to that of a very honest footman:

 「MR. BICKERSTAFF, _January 23, 1709/10._

 「I am bound in justice to acquaint you, that I put an
 advertisement[43] into your last paper about a watch which was
 lost, and was brought to me on the very day your paper came out by
 a footman, who told me, that he would [not] have brought it, if he
 had not read your discourse of that day against avarice;[44] but
 that since he had read it, he scorned to take a reward for doing
 what in justice he ought to do. I am,

                              「Sir,
                                  「Your most humble Servant,
                                                  「JOHN HAMMOND.「

[Footnote 35: The first State lottery of 1710; see No. 87. Various passages in the 「Wentworth Papers「 (pages 126, 127, 129, 130, 148, 165) throw light upon this subject. Thus, 「I hear the Million Lottery is drawing and thear is a prise of 400_l. a year drawn, and Col. St. Pear has gott 5 (_sic) a year; it will be hard fate if you mis a pryse that put so much in. I long tel its all drawn; they say it will be six weeks drawing「 (Aug. 1, 1710). 「It will be a long time first if ever, except I win ye thoussand p^d a year, for mony now adays is the raening passion「 (July (?) 1710). 「Some very ordenary creeture has gott 400_l. a year「 (Aug. 4, 1710). 「Thear is a lady gave her footman in the last before this, mony for a lot, and he got five hundred a year, and she would have half, and they had a law suit, but the lawyers gave it all to him「 (Aug. 7, 1710). 「Betty has lost all her hopse of the Lottery, als drawn now「 (Oct. 6, 1710). 「You know your grandfather's Butler (?), they say he put ten thousand pd in the lottry and lost it all, and is really worth forty thousand pd「 (Dec. 15, 1710). Swift refers to the drawing in September: 「To-day Mr. Addison, Colonel Freind and I went to see the million lottery drawn at Guildhall. The jackanapes of blue-coat boys gave themselves such airs in pulling out the tickets, and shewed white hands open to the company to let us see there was no cheat「 (「Journal to Stella,「 Sept. 15, 1710). See also Nos. 170, 203, and the _Spectator, No. 191.]

[Footnote 36: See No. 128.]

[Footnote 37: 「There were 150,000 tickets at £10 each, making £1,500,000, the principal of which was to be sunk, and 9 per cent. to be allowed on it for thirty-two years. Three thousand seven hundred and fifty tickets were prizes from £1000 to £5 per annum; the rest were blanks--a proportion of thirty-nine to one prize, but, as a consolation, each blank was entitled to fourteen shillings per annum during the thirty-two years「 (Ashton's 「Social Life in the Reign of Queen Anne,「 i. 114).]

[Footnote 38: The possessor of a fortune of £100,000.]

[Footnote 39: L. A. Senecæ Opera, Epist. viii. sect. 3 (Lips., Tauchn., 1832, iii. 14).]

[Footnote 40: Cf. Swift's 「City Shower,「 in No. 238: 「She, singing, still whirls on her mop.「]

[Footnote 41: Cf. No. 128.]

[Footnote 42: This penny lottery seems to have been a private undertaking, not warranted by Act of Parliament, or intended to raise any part of the public revenue. In the year 1698, a 「Penny Lottery「 was drawn at the theatre in Dorset Garden, as appears from the title of the following pamphlet, apparently alluded to here: 「The Wheel of Fortune: or, Nothing for a Penny. Being remarks on the drawing of the Penny Lottery at the Theatre Royal in Dorset Garden. With the characters of some of the honourable trustees, and all due acknowledgment to his Honour the Undertaker. Written by a person who was cursed mad that he had not the Thousand Pounds Lot「 (Nichols).]

[Footnote 43: The following was the advertisement: 「A plain gold watch, made by Tompion, with a gold hook and chain, a cornelian seal set in gold, and a cupid sifting hearts, was dropt from a lady's side in or near Great Marlborough Street on Thursday night last. Whoever took it up, if they will bring it to Mr. Plaistow's, at the Hand and Star between the two Temple Gates, in Fleet Street, shall receive five guineas reward.--Signed JOHN HAMMOND.「]

[Footnote 44: See No. 123.]

No. 125. [STEELE.

From Tuesday, Jan. 24, to Thursday, Jan. 26, 1709-10.

Quem mala stultitia, et quæcunque inscitia veri
Cæcum agit, insanum Chrysippi porticus, et grex
Autumat. Hæc populos, hæc magnos formula reges,
Excepto sapiente, tenet.--HOR., 2 Sat. iii. 43.

   *       *       *       *       *

From my own Apartment, January 25.

There is a sect of ancient philosophers, who, I think, have left more volumes behind them, and those better written, than any other of the fraternities in philosophy. It was a maxim of this sect, that all those who do not live up to the principles of reason and virtue, are madmen. Every one, who governs himself by these rules, is allowed the title of wise, and reputed to be in his senses; and every one in proportion, as he deviates from them, is pronounced frantic and distracted. Cicero having chosen this maxim for his theme, takes occasion to argue from it very agreeably with Clodius, his implacable adversary, who had procured his banishment. 「A city,「 says he, 「is an assembly distinguished into bodies of men, who are in possession of their respective rights and privileges, cast under proper subordinations, and in all its parts obedient to the rules of law and equity.「 He then represents the government from whence he was banished, at a time when the consul, senate, and laws, had lost their authority, as a commonwealth of lunatics. For this reason, he regards his expulsion from Rome, as a man would being turned out of Bedlam, if the inhabitants of it should drive him out of their walls as a person unfit for their community.[45] We are therefore to look upon every man's brain to be touched, however he may appear in the general conduct of his life, if he has an unjustifiable singularity in any part of his conversation or behaviour: or if he swerves from right reason, however common his kind of madness may be, we shall not excuse him for its being epidemical, it being our present design to clap up all such as have the marks of madness upon them, who are now permitted to go about the streets, for no other reason, but because they do no mischief in their fits. Abundance of imaginary great men are put in straw to bring them to a right sense of themselves: and is it not altogether as reasonable, that an insignificant man, who has an immoderate opinion of his merits, and a quite different notion of his own abilities from what the rest of the world entertain, should have the same care taken of him, as a beggar who fancies himself a duke or a prince? Or, why should a man, who starves in the midst of plenty, be trusted with himself, more than he who fancies he is an emperor in the midst of poverty? I have several women of quality in my thoughts, who set so exorbitant a value upon themselves, that I have often most heartily pitied them, and wished them, for their recovery, under the same discipline with the pewterer's wife. I find by several hints in ancient authors, that when the Romans were in the height of power and luxury, they assigned out of their vast dominions, an island called Anticyra, as an habitation for madmen. This was the Bedlam of the Roman Empire, whither all persons who had left their wits used to resort from all parts of the world in quest of them. Several of the Roman emperors were advised to repair to this island; but most of them, instead of listening to such sober counsels, gave way to their distraction, till the people knocked them in the head as despairing of their cure. In short, it was as usual for men of distempered brains to take a voyage to Anticyra[46] in those days, as it is in ours for persons who have a disorder in their lungs to go to Montpellier.

The prodigious crops of hellebore[47] with which this whole island abounded, did not only furnish them with incomparable tea, snuff, and Hungary water,[48] but impregnated the air of the country with such sober and salutiferous streams, as very much comforted the heads, and refreshed the senses, of all that breathed in it. A discarded statesman, that at his first landing appeared stark staring mad, would become calm in a week's time; and upon his return home, live easy and satisfied in his retirement. A moping lover would grow a pleasant fellow by that time he had ridden thrice about the island; and a hair-brained rake, after a short stay in the country, go home again a composed, grave, worthy gentleman.

I have premised these particulars before I enter on the main design of this paper, because I would not be thought altogether notional[49] in what I have to say, and pass only for a projector in morality. I could quote Horace, and Seneca, and some other ancient writers of good repute, upon the same occasion, and make out by their testimony, that our streets are filled with distracted persons; that our shops and taverns, private and public houses, swarm with them; and that it is very hard to make up a tolerable assembly without a majority of them. But what I have already said, is, I hope, sufficient to justify the ensuing project, which I shall therefore give some account of without any further preface.

 1. It is humbly proposed, that a proper receptacle or habitation be
 forthwith erected for all such persons as, upon due trial and
 examination, shall appear to be out of their wits.

 2. That to serve the present exigency, the College in
 Moorfields[50] be very much extended at both ends; and that it be
 converted into a square, by adding three other sides to it.

 3. That nobody be admitted into these three additional sides, but
 such whose frenzy can lay no claim to an apartment in that row of
 building which is already erected.

 4. That the architect, physician, apothecary, surgeon, keepers,
 nurses, and porters, be all and each of them cracked, provided that
 their frenzy does not lie in the profession or employment to which
 they shall severally and respectively be assigned.

 N.B. It is thought fit to give the foregoing notice, that none may
 present himself here for any post of honour or profit who is not
 duly qualified.

 5. That over all the gates of the additional buildings, there be
 figures placed in the same manner as over the entrance of the
 edifice already erected;[51] provided, they represent such
 distractions only as are proper for those additional buildings; as,
 of an envious man gnawing his own flesh, a gamester pulling himself
 by the ears, and knocking his head against a marble pillar, a
 covetous man warming himself over a heap of gold, a coward flying
 from his own shadow, and the like.

Having laid down this general scheme of my design, I do hereby invite all persons who are willing to encourage so public-spirited a project, to bring in their contributions as soon as possible, and to apprehend forthwith any politician whom they shall catch raving in a coffee-house, or any freethinker whom they shall find publishing his deliriums, or any other person who shall give the like manifest signs of a crazed imagination; and I do at the same time give this public notice to all the madmen about this great city, that they may return to their senses with all imaginable expedition, lest if they should come into my hands, I should put them into a regimen which they would not like; for if I find any one of them persist in his frantic behaviour, I will make him in a month's time as famous as ever Oliver's porter[52] was.

[Footnote 45: Cicero, Tusc. Disp. iii. 4, &c.; Orat. pro Dom. 33, &c.]

[Footnote 46: Mr. Dobson quotes from Burton's 「Anatomie of Melancholy「 (1628), p. 18: 「I will evince it, that most men are mad, that they had as much need to go a pilgrimage to the Anticyræ (as in Strabo's time they did) as in our dayes they run to Compostella, our Lady of Sichim, or Lauretta, to seeke for helpe; that it is likely to be as prosperous a voyage as that of Guiana, and there is much more need of Hellebor than of Tobacco.「]

[Footnote 47: Hellebore was much used by the ancients as a cure for madness and melancholy.]

[Footnote 48: The best Hungary water (a popular scent) was made of spirits of wine, rosemary in bloom, lavender flowers, and oil of rosemary.]

[Footnote 49: Dealing in ideas instead of realities.]

[Footnote 50: Bedlam; see No. 30.]

[Footnote 51: The statues by C. G. Cibber.]

[Footnote 52: See No. 51.]

No. 126. [STEELE.

From Thursday, Jan. 26, to Saturday, Jan. 28, 1709-10

Anguillam caudâ tenes.--T. D'URFEY.

   *       *       *       *       *

From my own Apartment, January 27.

There is no sort of company so agreeable as that of women who have good sense without affectation, and can converse with men without any private design of imposing chains and fetters. Belvidera, whom I visited this evening, is one of these. There is an invincible prejudice in favour of all she says, from her being a beautiful woman, because she does not consider herself as such when she talks to you. This amiable temper gives a certain tincture to all her discourse, and made it very agreeable to me, till we were interrupted by Lydia, a creature who has all the charms that can adorn a woman. Her attractions would indeed be irresistible, but that she thinks them so, and is always employing them in stratagems and conquests. When I turned my eye upon her as she sat down, I saw she was a person of that character, which, for the further information of my country correspondents, I had long wanted an opportunity of explaining. Lydia is a finished coquette, which is a sect among women of all others the most mischievous, and makes the greatest havoc and disorder in society. I went on in the discourse I was in with Belvidera, without showing that I had observed anything extraordinary in Lydia: upon which, I immediately saw her look me over as some very ill-bred fellow; and casting a scornful glance on my dress, gave a shrug at Belvidera. But as much as she despised me, she wanted my admiration, and made twenty offers to bring my eyes her way: but I reduced her to a restlessness in her seat, an impertinent playing of her fan, and many other motions and gestures, before I took the least notice of her. At last I looked at her with a kind of surprise, as if she had before been unobserved by reason of an ill light where she sat. It is not to be expressed what a sudden joy I saw rise in her countenance, even at the approbation of such a very old fellow: but she did not long enjoy her triumph without a rival; for there immediately entered Castabella, a lady of a quite contrary character, that is to say, as eminent a prude as Lydia is a coquette. Belvidera gave me a glance, which methought intimated, that they were both curiosities in their kind, and worth remarking. As soon as we were again seated, I stole looks at each lady, as if I was comparing their perfections. Belvidera observed it, and began to lead me into a discourse of them both to their faces, which is to be done easily enough; for one woman is generally so intent upon the faults of another, that she has not reflection enough to observe when her own are represented. 「I have taken notice, Mr. Bickerstaff,「 said Belvidera, 「that you have in some parts of your writings drawn characters of our sex, in which you have not, to my apprehension, been clear enough and distinct, particularly in those of a prude and a coquette.「 Upon the mention of this, Lydia was roused with the expectation of seeing Castabella's picture, and Castabella with the hopes of that of Lydia. 「Madam,「 said I to Belvidera, 「when we consider nature, we shall often find very contrary effects flow from the same cause. The prude and coquette (as different as they appear in their behaviour) are in reality the same kind of women: the motive of action in both is the affectation of pleasing men. They are sisters of the same blood and constitution, only one chooses a grave, the other a light, dress. The prude appears more virtuous, the coquette more vicious, than she really is. The distant behaviour of the prude tends to the same purpose as the advances of the coquette; and you have as little reason to fall into despair from the severity of the one, as to conceive hope from the familiarity of the latter. What leads you into a clear sense of their character is, that you may observe each of them has the distinction of sex in all her thoughts, words and actions. You can never mention any assembly you were lately in, but one asks you with a rigid, the other with a sprightly air, 'Pray, what men were there?' As for prudes, it must be confessed, that there are several of them, who, like hypocrites, by long practice of a false part, become sincere; or at least delude themselves into a belief that they are so.「

For the benefit of this society of ladies, I shall propose one rule to them as a test of their virtue. I find in a very celebrated modern author, that the great foundress of the Pietists, Madame de Bourignon,[53] who was no less famous for the sanctity of her life than for the singularity of some of her opinions, was used to boast, that she had not only the spirit of continency in herself, but that she had also the power of communicating it to all who beheld her. This the scoffers of those days called the Gift of Infrigidation, and took occasion from it to rally her face, rather than admire her virtue. I would therefore advise the prude, who has a mind to know the integrity of her own heart, to lay her hand seriously upon it, and to examine herself, whether she could sincerely rejoice in such a gift of conveying chaste thoughts to all her male beholders. If she has any aversion to the power of inspiring so great a virtue, whatever notion she may have of her perfection, she deceives her own heart, and is still in the state of prudery. Some perhaps will look upon the boast of Madame de Bourignon as the utmost ostentation of a prude.

If you would see the humour of a coquette pushed to the last excess, you may find an instance of it in the following story, which I will set down at length, because it pleased me when I read it, though I cannot recollect in what author.

A young coquette widow in France having been followed by a Gascon of quality, who had boasted among his companions of some favours which he had never received, to be revenged of him, sent for him one evening, and told him, it was in his power to do her a very particular service. The Gascon, with much profession of his readiness to obey her commands, begged to hear in what manner she designed to employ him. 「You know,「 said the widow, 「my friend Belinda, and must often have heard of the jealousy of that impotent wretch her husband. Now it is absolutely necessary, for the carrying on a certain affair, that his wife and I should be together a whole night. What I have to ask of you, is, to dress yourself in her night-clothes, and lie by him a whole night in her place, that he may not miss her while she is with me.「 The Gascon (though of a very lively and undertaking complexion) began to startle at the proposal. 「Nay,「 says the widow, 「if you have not the courage to go through wha