Section 11

drawn from their own reflections. An old man cannot easily gain admittance into the dressing-room of ladies; I therefore thought it time well spent, to turn over Agrippa, and use all my occult art, to give my old cornelian ring the same force with that of Gyges, which I have lately spoken of.[123] By the help of this, I went unobserved to a friend's house of mine, and followed the chamber-maid invisibly about twelve of the clock into the bed-chamber of the beauteous Flavia, his fine daughter, just before she got up.

I drew the curtains, and being wrapped up in the safety of my old age, could with much pleasure, without passion, behold her sleeping with Waller's poems, and a letter fixed in that part of him, where every woman thinks herself described. The light flashing upon her face, awakened her: she opened her eyes, and her lips too, repeating that piece of false wit in that admired poet:

_Such Helen was, and who can blame the boy,
That in so bright a flame consumed his Troy?_[124]

This she pronounced with a most bewitching sweetness; but after it fetched a sigh, that methought had more desire than languishment, then took out her letter, and read aloud, for the pleasure, I suppose, of hearing soft words in praise of herself, the following epistle:

 「MADAM,

 「I sat near you at the Opera last night; but knew no entertainment
 from the vain show and noise about me, while I waited wholly intent
 upon the motion of your bright eyes, in hopes of a glance, that
 might restore me to the pleasures of sight and hearing in the midst
 of beauty and harmony. It is said, the hell of the accursed in the
 next life arises from an incapacity to partake the joys of the
 blessed, though they were to be admitted to them. Such I am sure
 was my condition all this evening; and if you, my deity, cannot
 have so much mercy as to make me by your influence capable of
 tasting the satisfactions of life, my being is ended, which
 consisted only in your favour.「

The letter was hardly read over, when she rushed out of bed in her wrapping-gown, and consulted her glass for the truth of his passion. She raised her head, and turned it to a profile, repeating the last lines, 「my being is ended, which consisted only in your favour.「 The goddess immediately called her maid, and fell to dressing that mischievous face of hers, without any manner of consideration for the mortal who had offered up his petition. Nay, it was so far otherwise, that the whole time of her woman's combing her hair was spent in discourse of the impertinence of his passion, and ended, in declaring a resolution, if she ever had him, to make him wait. She also frankly told the favourite gipsy that was prating to her, that her passionate lover had put it out of her power to be civil to him, if she were inclined to it; 「for,「 said she, 「if I am thus celestial to my lover, he will certainly so far think himself disappointed, as I grow into the familiarity and form of a mortal woman.「

I came away as I went in, without staying for other remarks than what confirmed me in the opinion, that it is from the notions the men inspire them with, that the women are so fantastical in the value of themselves. This imaginary pre-eminence which is given to the fair sex, is not only formed from the addresses of people of condition; but it is the fashion and humour of all orders to go regularly out of their wits, as soon as they begin to make love. I know at this time three goddesses in the New Exchange;[125] and there are two shepherdesses who sell gloves in Westminster Hall.[126]

[Footnote 123: See No. 138.]

[Footnote 124: 「Under a Lady's Picture「 (Waller's Poems: 「Epigrams, Epitaphs,「 &c.).]

[Footnote 125: See No. 26.]

[Footnote 126: See No. 145. Part of Westminster Hall was devoted to shopkeepers' stalls, where toys, books, &c., could be brought. Tom Brown (「Amusements,「 &c. 1700) says: 「On your left hand you hear a nimble-tongued painted sempstress with her charming treble invite you to buy some of her knick-knacks, and on your right a deep-mouthed crier, commanding impossibilities, viz., silence to be kept among women and lawyers.「]

No. 140. [STEELE.

From Tuesday, Feb. 28, to Thursday, March 2, 1709-10.

----Aliena negotia centum
Per caput, et circa saliunt latus--
                          HOR., 2 Sat. vi. 33.

   *       *       *       *       *

Sheer Lane, March 1.

Having the honour to be by my great-grandmother a Welshman, I have been among some choice spirits of that part of Great Britain, where we solaced ourselves in celebration of the day of St. David. I am, I confess, elevated above that state of mind which is proper for lucubration: but I am the less concerned at this, because I have for this day or two last past observed, that we novelists have been condemned wholly to the pastry-cooks, the eyes of the nation being turned upon greater matters.[127] This therefore being a time when none but my immediate correspondents will read me, I shall speak to them chiefly at this present writing. It is the fate of us who pretend to joke, to be frequently understood to be only upon the droll when we are speaking the most seriously, as appears by the following letter to Charles Lillie:

 「MR. LILLIE,                    「London, _February 28, 1709/10_.

 「It being professed by 'Squire Bickerstaff, that his intention is
 to expose the vices and follies of the age, and to promote virtue
 and goodwill amongst mankind; it must be a comfort, to a person
 labouring under great straits and difficulties, to read anything
 that has the appearance of succour. I should be glad to know
 therefore, whether the intelligence given in his _Tatler_ of
 Saturday last,[128] of the intended charity of a certain citizen of
 London, to maintain the education of ten boys in writing and
 accounts till they be fit for trade, be given only to encourage and
 recommend persons to the practice of such noble and charitable
 designs, or whether there be a person who really intends to do so.
 If the latter, I humbly beg Squire Bickerstaff's pardon for making
 a doubt, and impute it to my ignorance; and most humbly crave, that
 he would be pleased to give notice in his _Tatler_, when he thinks
 fit, whether his nomination of ten boys be disposed of, or whether
 there be room for two boys to be recommended to him; and that he
 will permit the writer of this to present him with two boys, who,
 it is humbly presumed, will be judged to be very remarkable objects
 of such charity.

                                              「Sir,
                                      「Your most humble Servant.「

I am to tell this gentleman in sober sadness, and without jest, that there really is so good and charitable a man as the benefactor inquired for in his letter, and that there are but two boys yet named. The father of one of them was killed at Blenheim, the father of the other at Almanza. I do not here give the names of the children, because I should take it to be an insolence in me to publish them, in a charity which I have only the direction of as a servant, to that worthy and generous spirit who bestows upon them this bounty, without laying the bondage of an obligation. What I have to do is to tell them, they are beholden only to their Maker, to kill in them as they grow up the false shame of poverty, and let them know, that their present fortune, which is come upon them by the loss of their poor fathers on so glorious occasions, is much more honourable, than the inheritance of the most ample ill-gotten wealth.

The next letter which lies before me is from a man of sense, who strengthens his own authority with that of Tully, in persuading me to what he very justly believes one cannot be averse:

 「MR. BICKERSTAFF,                      「London, _Feb. 27, 1709_.

 「I am so confident of your inclination to promote anything that is
 for the advancement of liberal arts, that I lay before you the
 following translation of a paragraph in Cicero's oration in defence
 of Archias the poet, as an incentive to the agreeable and
 instructive reading of the writings of the Augustan age. Most vices
 and follies proceed from a man's incapacity of entertaining
 himself, and we are generally fools in company, because we dare not
 be wise alone. I hope, on some future occasions, you will find this
 no barren hint. Tully, after having said very handsome things of
 his client, commends the arts of which he was master as follows:

 「'If so much profit be not reaped in the study of letters, and if
 pleasure only be found; yet, in my opinion, this relaxation of the
 mind should be esteemed most humane and ingenuous. Other things are
 not for all ages, places and seasons. These studies form youth,
 delight old age, adorn prosperity, and soften, and even remove
 adversity, entertain at home, are no hindrance abroad; don't leave
 us at night, and keep us company on the road and in the country.' I
 am,

                                       「Your humble Servant,
                                                      「STREPHON.「

The following epistle seems to want the quickest despatch, because a lady is every moment offended till it is answered; which is best done by letting the offender see in her own letter how tender she is of calling him so:

 「SIR,

 「This comes from a relation of yours, though unknown to you, who,
 besides the tie of consanguinity, has some value for you on the
 account of your lucubrations, those being designed to refine our
 conversation, as well as cultivate our minds. I humbly beg the
 favour of you, in one of your _Tatlers_ (after what manner you
 please), to correct a particular friend of mine, for an indecorum
 he is guilty of in discourse, of calling his acquaintance, when he
 speaks of them, 'Madam': as for example, my cousin Jenny Distaff,
 'Madam Distaff'; which I am sure you are sensible is very unpolite,
 and 'tis what makes me often uneasy for him, though I cannot tell
 him of it myself, which makes me guilty of this presumption, that I
 depend upon your goodness to excuse; and I do assure you, the
 gentleman will mind your reprehension, for he is, as I am,

                                        「Sir,
                                          「Your most humble
                                            「Servant and Cousin,
                                              「DOROTHY DRUMSTICK.

 「I write this in a thin under-petticoat,[129] and never did or will
 wear a farthingale.「

I had no sooner read the just complaint of Mrs. Drumstick, but I received an urgent one from another of the fair sex, upon faults of more pernicious consequence:

 「MR. BICKERSTAFF,

 「Observing that you are entered into a correspondence with
 Pasquin,[130] who is, I suppose, a Roman Catholic, I beg of you to
 forbear giving him any account of our religion, or manners, till
 you have rooted out certain misbehaviours even in our churches;
 among others, that of bowing, saluting, taking snuff, and other
 gestures. Lady Autumn made me a very low curtsy the other day from
 the next pew, and, with the most courtly air imaginable, called
 herself 'Miserable sinner.' Her niece soon after, in saying,
 'Forgive us our trespasses,' curtsied with a gloating look at my
 brother. He returned it, opening his snuff-box and repeating yet a
 more solemn expression. I beg of you, good Mr. Censor, not to tell
 Pasquin anything of this kind, and to believe this does not come
 from one of a morose temper, mean birth, rigid education, narrow
 fortune, or bigotry in opinion, or from one in whom Time had worn
 out all taste of pleasure. I assure you, it is far otherwise, for I
 am possessed of all the contrary advantages; and hope, wealth, good
 humour, and good breeding, may be best employed in the service of
 religion and virtue; and desire you would, as soon as possible,
 remark upon the above-mentioned indecorums, that we may not longer
 transgress against the latter, to preserve our reputation in the
 former.

                                         「Your humble Servant,
                                                         「LYDIA.「

The last letter I shall insert is what follows. This is written by a very inquisitive lady; and I think, such interrogative gentlewomen are to be answered no other way than by interrogation. Her billet is this:

 「DEAR MR. BICKERSTAFF,

 「Are you quite as good as you seem to be?

                                                         「CHLOE.「

To which I can only answer:

 「DEAR CHLOE,

 「Are you quite as ignorant as you seem to be?

                                                          「I. B.「

[Footnote 127: The trial of Dr. Sacheverell, which extended from February 27 to March 23, 1710. A Tory pamphlet, 「A Letter to the Rev. Dr. Henry Sacheverell, by Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq.,「 1709, appeared in January 1710. Another pamphlet was called 「The Character of Don Sacheverello, Knight of the Firebrand, in a Letter to Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq., Censor of Great Britain.「]

[Footnote 128: See No. 138.]

[Footnote 129: See No. 136.]

[Footnote 130: See No. 129.]

No. 141. [STEELE.

From Thursday, March 2, to Saturday, March 4, 1709-10.

   *       *       *       *       *

Sheer Lane, March 3.

While the attention of the town is drawn aside from the reading us writers of news, we all save ourselves against it is at more leisure. As for my own part, I shall still let the labouring oar be managed by my correspondents, and fill my paper with their sentiments, rather than my own, till I find my readers more disengaged than they are at present.[131] When I came home this evening, I found several letters and petitions, which I shall insert with no other order, than as I accidentally opened them, as follows:

 「SIR, _March 1, 1709-10._

 「Having a daughter about nine years of age, I would endeavour she
 might have education; I mean such as may be useful, as working
 well, and a good deportment. In order to it, I am persuaded to
 place her at some boarding-school, situate in a good air. My wife
 opposes it, and gives for her greatest reason, that she is too much
 a woman, and understands the formalities of visiting and a
 tea-table so very nicely, that none, though much older, can exceed
 her; and with all these perfections, the girl can scarce thread a
 needle: but however, after several arguments, we have agreed to be
 decided by your judgment; and knowing your abilities, shall manage
 our daughter exactly as you shall please to direct. I am serious in
 my request, and hope you will be so in your answer, which will lay
 a deep obligation upon,

                                               「Sir,
                                         「Your humble Servant,
                                                           「T. T.

 「Sir, pray answer it in your _Tatler_, that it may be serviceable
 to the public.「

I am as serious on this subject as my correspondent can be, and am of opinion, that the great happiness or misfortune of mankind depends upon the manner of educating and treating that sex. I have lately said, I design to turn my thoughts more particularly to them and their service: I beg therefore a little time to give my opinion on so important a subject, and desire the young lady may fill tea one week longer, till I have considered whether she shall be removed or not.[132]

                             「Chancery Lane, _February 27, 1709_.
 「MR. BICKERSTAFF,

 「Your notice in the advertisement in your _Tatler_ of Saturday
 last[133] about 'whetters' in and about the Royal Exchange, is
 mightily taken notice of by gentlemen who use the coffee-houses
 near the Chancery office in Chancery Lane; and there being a
 particular certain set of both young and old gentlemen that belong
 to and near adjoining to the Chancery office, both in Chancery Lane
 and Bell Yard, that are not only 'whetters' all the morning long,
 but very musically given about twelve at night the same days, and
 mightily taken with the union of the dulcimer, violin, and song; at
 which recreation they rejoice together with perfect harmony,
 however their clients disagree: you are humbly desired by several
 gentlemen to give some regulation concerning them; in which you
 will contribute to the repose of us, who are

                                 「Your very humble Servants,
                                            「L. T., N. F., T. W.「

These 「whetters「 are a people I have considered with much pains, and find them to differ from a sect I have heretofore spoken of, called 「snuff-takers,「[134] only in the expedition they take in destroying their brains: the 「whetter「 is obliged to refresh himself every moment with a liquor, as the 「snuff-taker「 with a powder. As for their harmony in the evening, I have nothing to object, provided they remove to Wapping or the Bridge-Foot,[135] where it is not to be supposed that their vociferations will annoy the studious, the busy, or the contemplative. I once had lodgings in Gray's Inn, where we had two hard students, who learned to play upon the hautboy; and I had a couple of chamber fellows over my head not less diligent in the practice of backsword and single-rapier. I remember these gentlemen were assigned by the benchers the two houses at the end of the Terrace Walk, as the only places fit for their meditations. Such students as will let none improve but themselves, ought indeed to have their proper distances from societies.

The gentlemen of loud mirth above mentioned I take to be, in the quality of their crime, the same as eavesdroppers; for they who will be in your company whether you will or no, are to as great a degree offenders, as they who hearken to what passes without being of your company at all. The ancient punishment for the latter, when I first came to this town, was the blanket, which I humbly conceive may be as justly applied to him that bawls, as to him that listens. It is therefore provided for the future, that (except in the Long Vacation) no retainers to the law, with dulcimer, violin, or any other instrument, in any tavern within a furlong of an inn of court, shall sing any tune, or pretended tune whatsoever, upon pain of the blanket, to be administered according to the discretion of all such peaceable people as shall be within the annoyance. And it is further directed, that all clerks who shall offend in this kind shall forfeit their indentures, and be turned over as assistants to the clerks of parishes within the bills of mortality, who are hereby empowered to demand them accordingly.

   *       *       *       *       *

I am not to omit the receipt of the following letter, with a nightcap, from my valentine;[136] which nightcap I find was finished in the year 1588, and is too finely wrought to be of any modern stitching. Its antiquity will better appear by my valentine's own words:

 「SIR,

 「Since you are pleased to accept of so mean a present as a nightcap
 from your valentine, I have sent you one, which I do assure you has
 been very much esteemed of in our family; for my
 great-grandmother's daughter who worked it, was maid of honour to
 Queen Elizabeth, and had the misfortune to lose her life by
 pricking her finger in the making of it, of which she bled to
 death, as her tomb now at Westminster will show: for which reason,
 myself, nor none of my family, have loved work ever since;
 otherwise you should have had one as you desired, made by the hands
 of,

                                              「Sir,
                                          「Your affectionate
                                                     「VALENTINE.「

 「_To the Right Worshipful Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq., Censor of Great
 Britain, and Governor of the Hospital erected, or to be erected, in
 Moorfields._

 「The petition of the inhabitants of the parish of Goatham in the
 county of Middlesex;

 「HUMBLY SHEWETH,

 「That whereas 'tis the undoubted right of your said petitioners to
 repair on every Lord's Day to a chapel of ease in the said parish,
 there to be instructed in their duties in the known or vulgar
 tongue; yet so it is (may it please your Worship) that the preacher
 of the said chapel has of late given himself wholly up to matters
 of controversy, in no wise tending to the edification of your said
 petitioners; and in handling (as he calls it) the same, has used
 divers hard and crabbed words; such as, among many others, are
 'orthodox' and 'heterodox,' which are in no sort understood by your
 said petitioners; and it is with grief of heart that your
 petitioners beg leave to represent to you, that in mentioning the
 aforesaid words or names (the latter of which, as we have reason to
 believe, is his deadly enemy), he will fall into ravings and
 foamings, ill-becoming the meekness of his office, and tending to
 give offence and scandal to all good people.

 「Your petitioners further say, that they are ready to prove the
 aforesaid allegations; and therefore humbly hope, that from a true
 sense of their condition, you will please to receive the said
 preacher into the hospital, until he shall recover a right use of
 his senses.

                                      「And your petitioners,「 &c.

[Footnote 131: The whole attention of the town in March 1710 was devoted to the Sacheverell trial. See Nos. 140, 142, 157.]

[Footnote 132: See No. 145.]

[Footnote 133: See No. 138.]

[Footnote 134: See No. 35.]

[Footnote 135: The foot of London Bridge. There was a tavern, famous in the seventeenth century, called 「The Bear at the Bridge-foot,「 below London Bridge.]

[Footnote 136: See No. 137.]

No. 142. [STEELE.

From Saturday, March 4, to Tuesday, March 7, 1709-10.

   *       *       *       *       *

Sheer Lane, March 6.

All persons who employ themselves in public, are still interrupted in the course of their affairs: and it seems, the admired Cavalier Nicolini himself is commanded by the ladies, who at present employ their time with great assiduity in the care of the nation, to put off his day till he shall receive their commands, and notice that they are at leisure for diversions.[137] In the meantime it is not to be expressed, how many cold chickens the fair ones have eaten since this day sennight for the good of their country. This great occasion has given birth to many discoveries of high moment for the conduct of life. There is a toast of my acquaintance told me, she had now found out, that it was day before nine in the morning;[138] and I am very confident, if the affair holds many days longer, the ancient hours of eating will be revived among us, many having by it been made acquainted with the luxury of hunger and thirst.

There appears, methinks, something very venerable in all assemblies: and I must confess, I envied all who had youth and health enough to make their appearance there, that they had the happiness of being a whole day in the best company in the world. During the adjournment of that awful court, a neighbour of mine was telling me, that it gave him a notion of the ancient grandeur of the English hospitality, to see Westminster Hall a dining-room.[139] There is a cheerfulness at such repasts, which is very delightful to tempers which are so happy as to be clear of spleen and vapour; for to the jovial to see others pleased, is the greatest of all pleasures.

But since age and infirmities forbid my appearance at such public places, the next happiness is to make the best use of privacy, and acquit myself of the demands of my correspondents. The following letter is what has given me no small inquietude, it being an accusation of partiality, and disregard to merit, in the person of a virtuoso, who is the most eloquent of all men upon small occasions, and is the more to be admired for his prodigious fertility of invention, which never appears but upon subjects which others would have thought barren. But in consideration of his uncommon talents, I am contented to let him be the hero of my next two days, by inserting his friends' recommendation of him at large:

 「DEAR COUSIN,