Short Plays · Passion, Poison, and Petrifaction (2/2) (2/2) (1/2)
The cuckoo clock strikes sixteen.
The Lady How much did the clock strike, Phyllis?
Phyllis Sixteen, my lady.
The Lady That means eleven o’clock, does it not?
Phyllis Eleven at night, my lady. In the morning it means half-past two; so if you hear it strike sixteen during your slumbers, do not rise.
The Lady I will not, Phyllis. Phyllis: I am weary. I will go to bed. Prepare my couch.
Phyllis crosses the room to the bookcase and touches a button. The front of the bookcase falls out with a crash and becomes a bed. A roll of distant thunder echoes the crash.
Phyllis Shuddering. It is a terrible night. Heaven help all poor mariners at sea! My master is late. I trust nothing has happened to him. Your bed is ready, my lady.
The Lady Thank you, Phyllis. She rises and approaches the bed. Goodnight.
Phyllis Will your ladyship not undress?
The Lady Not tonight, Phyllis. Glancing through where the fourth wall is missing. Not under the circumstances.
Phyllis Impulsively throwing herself on her knees by her mistress’s side, and clasping her round the waist. Oh, my beloved mistress, I know not why or how; but I feel that I shall never see you alive again. There is murder in the air. Thunder. Hark!
The Lady Strange! As I sat there methought I heard angels singing, “Oh, won’t you come home, Bill Bailey?” Why should angels call me Bill Bailey? My name is Magnesia Fitztollemache.
Phyllis Emphasizing the title. Lady Magnesia Fitztollemache.
Lady Magnesia In case we should never again meet in this world, let us take a last farewell.
Phyllis Embracing her with tears. My poor murdered angel mistress!
Lady Magnesia In case we should meet again, call me at half-past eleven.
Phyllis I will, I will.
Phyllis* withdraws, overcome by emotion. Lady Magnesia switches off the electric light, and immediately hears the angels quite distinctly. They sing “Bill Bailey” so sweetly that she can attend to nothing else, and forgets to remove even her boots as she draws the coverlet over herself and sinks to sleep, lulled by celestial harmony. A white radiance plays on her pillow, and lights up her beautiful face. But the thunder growls again; and a lurid red glow concentrates itself on the door, which is presently flung open, revealing a saturnine figure in evening dress, partially concealed by a crimson cloak. As he steals towards the bed the unnatural glare in his eyes and the broad-bladed dagger nervously gripped in his right hand bode ill for the sleeping lady. Providentially she sneezes on the very brink of eternity; and the tension of the Murderer’s* nerves is such that he bolts precipitately under the bed at the sudden and startling Atscha! A dull, heavy, rhythmic thumping⁠—the beating of his heart⁠—betrays his whereabouts. Soon he emerges cautiously and raises his head above the bed coverlet level.
The Murderer I can no longer cower here listening to the agonized thumpings of my own heart. She but snoze in her sleep. I’ll do’t. He again raises the dagger. The angels sing again. He cowers. What is this? Has that tune reached Heaven?
Lady Magnesia Waking and sitting up. My husband! All the colors of the rainbow chase one another up his face with ghastly brilliancy. Why do you change color? And what on earth are you doing with that dagger?
Fitz Affecting unconcern, hut unhinged. It is a present for you: a present from mother. Pretty, isn’t it? He displays it fatuously.
Lady Magnesia But she promised me a fish slice.
Fitz This is a combination fish slice and dagger. One day you have salmon for dinner. The next you have a murder to commit. See?
Lady Magnesia My sweet mother-in-law! Someone knocks at the door. That is Adolphus’s knock. Fitz’s face turns a dazzling green. What has happened to your complexion? You have turned green. Now I think of it, you always do when Adolphus is mentioned. Aren’t you going to let him in?
Fitz Certainly not. He goes to the door. Adolphus: you cannot enter. My wife is undressed and in bed.
Lady Magnesia Rising. I am not. Come in, Adolphus. She switches on the electric light.
Adolphus Without. Something most important has happened. I must come in for a moment.
Fitz Calling to Adolphus. Something important happened? What is it?
Adolphus Without. My new clothes have come home.
Fitz He says his new clothes have come home.
Lady Magnesia Running to the door and opening it. Oh, come in, come in. Let me see.
Adolphus Bastable enters. He is in evening dress, made in the latest fashion, with the right half of the coat and the left half of the trousers yellow and the other halves black. His silver-spangled waistcoat has a crimson handkerchief stuck between it and his shirt front.
Adolphus What do you think of it?
Lady Magnesia It is a dream! a creation! She turns him about to admire him.
Adolphus Proudly. I shall never be mistaken for a waiter again.
Fitz A drink, Adolphus?
Adolphus Thanks.
Fitztollemache goes to the cupboard and takes out a tray with tumblers and a bottle of whisky. He puts them on the dressing table.
Fitz Is the gazogene full?
Lady Magnesia Yes: you put in the powders yourself today.
Fitz Sardonically. So I did. The special powders! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! His face Is again strangely variegated.
Lady Magnesia Your complexion is really going to pieces. Why do you laugh in that silly way at nothing?
Fitz Nothing! Ha, ha! Nothing! Ha, ha, ha!
Adolphus I hope, Mr. Fitztollemache, you are not laughing at my clothes. I warn you that I am an Englishman. You may laugh at my manners, at my brains, at my national institutions; but if you laugh at my clothes, one of us must die.
Thunder.
Fitz I laughed but at the irony of Fate. He takes a gazogene from the cupboard.
Adolphus Satisfied. Oh, that! Oh, yes, of course!
Fitz Let us drown all unkindness in a loving cup. He puts the gazogene on the floor in the middle of the room. Pardon the absence of a table: we found it in the way and pawned it. He takes the whisky bottle from the dressing table.
Lady Magnesia We picnic at home now. It is delightful.
She takes three tumblers from the dressing table and sits on the floor, presiding over the gazogene, with Fitz and Adolphus squatting on her left and right respectively. Fitz pours whisky into the tumblers.
Fitz As Magnesia is about to squirt soda into his tumbler. Stay! No soda for me. Let Adolphus have it all⁠—all. I will take mine neat.
Lady Magnesia Proffering tumbler to Adolphus. Pledge me, Adolphus.
Fitz Kiss the cup, Magnesia. Pledge her, man. Drink deep.
Adolphus To Magnesia!
Fitz To Magnesia! The two men drink. It is done. Scrambling to his feet. Adolphus: you have but ten minutes to live⁠—if so long.
Adolphus What mean you?
Magnesia Rising. My mind misgives me. I have a strange feeling here. Touching her heart.
Adolphus So have I, but lower down. Touching his stomach. That gazogene is disagreeing with me.
Fitz It was poisoned!
Sensation.
Adolphus Rising. Help! Police!
Fitz Dastard! you would appeal to the law! Can you not die like a gentleman?
Adolphus But so young! when I have only worn my new clothes once.
Magnesia It is too horrible. To Fitz. Fiend! what drove you to this wicked deed?
Fitz Jealousy. You admired his clothes: you did not admire mine.
Adolphus My clothes! His face lights up with heavenly radiance. Have I indeed been found worthy to be the first clothes-martyr? Welcome, death! Hark! angels call me. The celestial choir again raises its favorite chant. He listens with a rapt expression. Suddenly the angels sing out of tune; and the radiance on the poisoned man’s face turns a sickly green. Yah⁠—ah! Oh⁠—ahoo! The gazogene is disagreeing extremely. Oh! He throws himself on the bed, writhing.
Magnesia To Fitz. Monster: what have you done? She points to the distorted figure on the bed. That was once a Man, beautiful and glorious. What have you made of it? A writhing, agonized, miserable, moribund worm.
Adolphus In a tone of the strongest remonstrance. Oh, I say! Oh, come! No: look here, Magnesia! Really!
Magnesia Oh, is this a time for petty vanity? Think of your misspent life⁠—
Adolphus Much injured. Whose misspent life?
Magnesia Continuing relentlessly. Look into your conscience: look into your stomach. Adolphus* collapses in hideous spasms. She turns to Fitz*. And this is your handiwork!
Fitz Mine is a passionate nature, Magnesia. I must have your undivided love. I must have your love: do you hear? Love! Love!! Love!!! Love!!!! Love!!!!!
He raves, accompanied by a fresh paroxysm from the victim on the bed.
Magnesia With sudden resolution. You shall have it.
Fitz Enraptured. Magnesia! I have recovered your love! Oh, how slight appears the sacrifice of this man compared to so glorious a reward! I would poison ten men without a thought of self to gain one smile from you.
Adolphus In a broken voice. Farewell, Magnesia: my last hour is at hand. Farewell, farewell, farewell!
Magnesia At this supreme moment, George Fitztollemache, I solemnly dedicate to you all that I formerly dedicated to poor Adolphus.
Adolphus Oh, please not poor Adolphus yet. I still live, you know.
Magnesia The vital spark but flashes before it vanishes. Adolphus groans. And now, Adolphus, take this last comfort from the unhappy Magnesia Fitztollemache. As I have dedicated to George all that I gave to you, so I will bury in your grave⁠—or in your urn if you are cremated⁠—all that I gave to him.
Fitz I hardly follow this.
Magnesia I will explain. George: hitherto I have given Adolphus all the romance of my nature⁠—all my love⁠—all my dreams⁠—all my caresses. Henceforth they are yours!
Fitz Angel!
Magnesia Adolphus: forgive me if this pains you.
Adolphus Don’t mention it. I hardly feel it. The gazogene is so much worse. Taken bad again. Oh!
Magnesia Peace, poor sufferer: there is still some balm. You are about to hear what I am going to dedicate to you.
Adolphus All I ask is a peppermint lozenge, for mercy’s sake.
Magnesia I have something far better than any lozenge: the devotion of a lifetime. Formerly it was George’s. I kept his house, or rather, his lodgings. I mended his clothes. I darned his socks. I bought his food. I interviewed his creditors. I stood between him and the servants. I administered his domestic finances. When his hair needed cutting or his countenance was imperfectly washed, I pointed it out to him. The trouble that all this gave me made him prosaic in my eyes. Familiarity bred contempt. Now all that shall end. My husband shall be my hero, my lover, my perfect knight. He shall shield me from all care and trouble. He shall ask nothing in return but love⁠—boundless, priceless, rapturous, soul-enthralling love, Love! Love!! Love!!! She raves and flings her arms about Fitz. And the duties I formerly discharged shall be replaced by the one supreme duty of duties: the duty of weeping at Adolphus’s tomb.
Fitz Reflectively. My ownest, this sacrifice makes me feel that I have perhaps been a little selfish. I cannot help feeling that there is much to be said for the old arrangement. Why should Adolphus die for my sake?
Adolphus I am not dying for your sake, Fitz. I am dying because you poisoned me.
Magnesia You do not fear to die, Adolphus, do you?
Adolphus N‑n‑no, I don’t exactly fear to die. Still⁠—
Fitz Still, if an antidote⁠—
Adolphus Bounding from the bed. Antidote!
Magnesia With wild hope. Antidote!
Fitz If an antidote would not be too much of an anticlimax.
Adolphus Anticlimax be blowed! Do you think I am going to die to please the critics? Out with your antidote. Quick!
Fitz The best antidote to the poison I have given you is lime, plenty of lime.
Adolphus Lime! You mock me! Do you think I carry lime about in my pockets?
Fitz There is the plaster ceiling.
Magnesia Yes, the ceiling. Saved, saved, saved!
All three frantically shy boots at the ceiling. Flakes of plaster rain down which Adolphus devours, at first ravenously, then with a marked falling off in relish.
Magnesia Picking up a huge slice. Take this, Adolphus: it is the largest. She crams it into his mouth.
Fitz Ha! a lump off the cornice! Try this.
Adolphus Desperately. Stop! stop!
Magnesia Do not stop. You will die. She tries to stuff him again.
Adolphus Resolutely. I prefer death.
Magnesia Fitz Throwing themselves on their knees on either side of him. For our sakes, Adolphus, persevere.
Adolphus No: unless you can supply lime in liquid form, I must perish. Finish that ceiling I cannot and will not.
Magnesia I have a thought⁠—an inspiration. My bust. She snatches it from its pedestal and brings it to him.
Adolphus Gazing fondly at it. Can I resist it?
Fitz Try the bun.
Adolphus Gnawing the knot of hair at the back of the bust’s head: it makes him ill. Yah, I cannot. I cannot. Not even your bust, Magnesia. Do not ask me. Let me die.
Fitz Pressing the bust on him. Force yourself to take a mouthful. Down with it, Adolphus!
Adolphus Useless. It would not stay down. Water! Some fluid! Ring for something to drink. He chokes.
Magnesia I will save you. She rushes to the bell and rings.
Phyllis, in her nightgown, with her hair prettily made up into a chevaux defrise* of crocuses with pink and yellow curlpapers, rushes in straight to Magnesia*.
Phyllis Hysterically. My beloved mistress, once more we meet. She sees Fitztollemache and screams. Ah! ah! ah! A Man! She sees Adolphus. Men!! She flies; but Fitztollemache seizes her by the nightgown just as she is escaping. Unhand me, villain!
Fitz This is no time for prudery, girl. Mr. Bastable is dying.
Phyllis With concern. Indeed, sir? I hope he will not think it unfeeling of me to appear at his deathbed in curlpapers.
Magnesia We know you have a good heart, Phyllis. Take this giving her the bust; dissolve it in a jug of hot water; and bring it back instantly. Mr. Bastable’s life depends on your haste.
Phyllis Hesitating. It do seem a pity, don’t it, my lady, to spoil your lovely bust?
Adolphus Tush! This craze for fine art is beyond all bounds. Off with you. He pushes her out. Drink, drink, drink! My entrails are parched. Drink! He rushes deliriously to the gazogene.
Fitz Rushing after him. Madman, you forget! It is poisoned!
Adolphus I don’t care. Drink, drink! They wrestle madly for the gazogene. In the struggle they squirt all its contents away, mostly into one another’s face. Adolphus at last flings Fitztollemache to the floor, and puts the spout into his mouth. Empty! empty! With a shriek of despair he collapses on the bed, clasping the gazogene like a baby, and weeping over it.
Fitz Aside to Magnesia. Magnesia: I have always pretended not to notice it; but you keep a siphon for your private use in my hatbox.
Magnesia I use it for washing old lace; but no matter: he shall have it. She produces a siphon from the hatbox, and offers a tumbler of soda-water to Adolphus.