Short Plays · The Fascinating Foundling (2/2) (2/2) (2/2)

| Mercer | Me the father of a common girl found on a workhouse doorstep! | | Anastasia | Rising most indignantly. How dare you presume to say such a thing? A workhouse doorstep indeed! I was found on the doorstep of one of the very best houses in Park Lane. | | The Lord Chancellor | Overwhelmed. My dear young lady, how can I apologize⁠— | | Mercer | Crushed. I’m sure I beg your pardon most humbly, Miss. | | The Lord Chancellor | Forget the rudeness of my clerk: he knows no better. Resume your seat, I beg. | | Mercer | If I had only known, Miss! Park Lane! I could bite my tongue out for my bad manners, I do assure you. | | Anastasia | Say no more. Of course you could not know my social position. | | Mercer | Don’t say that, Miss. You have Park Lane in every feature. | | The Lord Chancellor | Effusively. In your manners. | | Mercer | In your accent. | | The Lord Chancellor | In your tone⁠— | | Mercer | Address⁠— | | The Lord Chancellor | A je ne sais quoi⁠— | | Mercer | A tout ensemble⁠— | | Anastasia | You speak French? | | Mercer | Not a word, Miss; but at the sight of that hat of yours the French fairly burst out of me. | | Anastasia | You are very good⁠— | | The Lord Chancellor | Oh, not at all. | | Mercer | Don’t mention it. | | Anastasia | Don’t begin again. I forgive you both. Now, attention! I’m a good-hearted but somewhat flighty girl; and I require some serious interest in life to steady me. As I had an ungovernable appetite, and was naturally rather inclined to be stout, I tried politics. For you, a man, politics meant the House of Lords. For me, a woman, politics meant Holloway Gaol and the hunger strike. I refused to take food until I was so frightfully hungry that when the Governor⁠—who was a plump, chubby, tempting sort of man, you know⁠—came into my cell and remonstrated with me, I attempted to devour him. | | The Lord Chancellor | Pardon me. I thought you Suffragist lambs prided yourselves on acting always on principle. On what principle, may I ask, do you justify an attempt to devour an estimable public official? | | Anastasia | On the Cat and Mouse principle, my lord. That is a part of the law of England. | | Mercer | Never. Not when the woman is the cat. | | The Lord Chancellor | May I ask, madam, what the unfortunate mouse did on this occasion? | | Anastasia | He got quite angry, and said he wouldn’t have me in his prison another minute⁠—not if I went down on my knees and begged him to let me stay. Of course I refused to go; but I had to let the poor man have his way at last, though it took ten wardresses to persuade me to do it. I left them simply in ribbons, poor things. Prison made a great change in me. Before I went in I felt a great want of something to love; but when I came out I felt nothing but a great want of something to eat. There were two public houses near the prison. One had a placard up “Sausage and Mashed,” the other “Sandwich and Small Lloyd George.” I visited both in succession, and had two goes of each delicacy. I then drove to the Holborn Restaurant and had a five shilling lunch, stopping at three Pearce and Plentys on the way to sustain exhausted nature. At the Holborn they refused to serve me with a second lunch; so I went on to the Carlton. Of my subsequent experiences at the Savoy, Pagani’s, Frascati’s, Gatti’s, five baked potato men, and a coffee stall, I shall say nothing. Suffice it that when at last the craving for food was stilled, the craving for love returned in all its original force. I felt I must have something to cherish, to sacrifice myself for. You no doubt hold that self-sacrifice is a woman’s chief amusement. | | The Lord Chancellor | Certainly I do. | | Anastasia | Any man would. Well, what was I to love? My friends recommended marriage: a man, in fact. But I hesitated to rush at once to so expensive and troublesome an extreme. I tried a pet dog; but when it had been stolen for the sixth time by the man I bought it from, I refused to pay any more rewards, and we were parted forever. I tried a cat; but its conduct was so disreputable that I really could not live in the same house with it. I adopted the orphan child of a crossing sweeper who was run over; but when its aunt learnt that I had no parents she would not permit it to stay. Glad as I must confess I was to get rid of the little beast, my starved heart still ached, my empty arms still longed to gather some beloved object to my breast. | | The Lord Chancellor | If I can be of any service to you, madam⁠— | | Anastasia | You? You are married, are you not? | | The Lord Chancellor | Well, er, yes I er⁠—am married. | | Mercer | Catching her eye. I’m sorry, miss; but so am I. Still, a divorce would be a matter of only eighty pound or so if we made it a fairly straight case. | | Anastasia | Never shall it be said that Anastasia Vulliamy built her happiness on the ruin of another woman’s home. There are younger and handsomer men than you, my lord: there are more genteel characters than Mercer. Neither of you, if I may be allowed the expression, is precisely what I should call a peach. And I want⁠—oh, I want a peach. He must be a young peach. Not that I am to be seduced by the fleeting charms of a smooth cheek and a slim figure. But it’s a necessity of my position as a woman that I should marry someone whom I can bully, because if a woman can’t bully her husband, her husband generally bullies her. You, my lord, you will, you can, Find me a young and foolish man. Into my arms: under my thumb Let him come, let him come. I fear I am almost dropping into poetry; but the tumult of my emotions carries me away. I implore you not to keep me waiting. My soul, my soul is thrilling as it never thrilled before. My arms, my arms are longing as they never longed before. My heart, my heart is beating as it never bet before. Every nerve in my body, every fibre in my heart⁠— | | | Brabazon enters. | | Brabazon | Excuse me: I left my stick, I think⁠— | | Anastasia | Throwing herself into his arms. He has come: he has come: the very thing I want. | | Brabazon | Quite out of the question, my dear lady. Sir Cardonius will tell you that you are too young, too irresponsible, too impulsive to be anything more to me than an extremely agreeable object of contemplation, and a charming hostess. With that object may I venture to propose a marriage to you? | | Anastasia | Silly! that is exactly what I am proposing to you. | | Brabazon | Not marriage to the same person, I think. You, as I understand it, propose to marry me. I propose that you should marry one of my friends. You can then invite me to your house, and put on your best company manners for my benefit. He will have the privilege of paying for your hats, and enjoying your no-company manners. | | Mercer | My lord: this man has a giant intellect. | | The Lord Chancellor | It will avail him as little as if he were the biggest fool in creation. Young man: you are lost. I argued as you do. I tried to get out of it. | | Mercer | I moved all the way from Gospel Oak to Islington to escape; but it was no use. | | The Lord Chancellor | Beware how you anger her by showing any reluctance. Remember: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” | | Mercer | What’s the good of that nowadays? When that was written a woman would take no for an answer. She won’t now. | | Anastasia | You will begin walking out with me at once. You are only on approval, of course; but if you suit, you may consider next Friday three weeks named as the day. | | Brabazon | But where does the merit come in for me? Where is the moral discipline? Where is the self-sacrifice? You are an agreeable person: to marry you would be an act of pure selfishness. | | Anastasia | So you think now, dearest. You won’t think that a year hence. I’ll take care of that for my own boy. | | Brabazon | Yes, but look here, you know. Have you got any money? | | Anastasia | Not a rap. | | Brabazon | And you expect to get a slave for nothing. What cheek! | | Anastasia | I’m richer than you think, darling. It’s true that I’m a poor penniless orphan. Doesn’t that touch you? | | Brabazon | Not in the least. | | Anastasia | Thoughtless boy. Have you forgotten that the women who have money always belong to some family or other? | | Brabazon | Well? | | Anastasia | Well, a family means relations. You can’t call your house your own. The brothers borrow money. The sisters come and stay for months. The mother quarrels with your mother. | | Mercer | Gospel truth, every word of it. | | The Lord Chancellor | Undeniable. He sighs deeply. | | Anastasia | I, my love, am not perfect. I am a weak woman: I have nothing to cling to but your love, nor any place to rest except your very becoming fancy waistcoat. But at least I’m a foundling. | | Brabazon | Excited and hopeful. A foundling? | | Anastasia | I haven’t a relation in the world. | | Brabazon | Clasping her. Mine! mine!! Mine!!!** |