Short Plays · The Author’s Apology for “Great Catherine” (5/5) (2/2) (1/2)
Naryshkin* enters through the door, followed by the soldiers carrying Edstaston*, still trussed to the pole. Exhausted and dogged, he makes no sound.
Naryshkin Halt. Get that pole clear of the prisoner. They dump Edstaston on the floor and detach the pole. Naryshkin stoops over him and addresses him insultingly. Well! are you ready to be tortured? This is the Empress’s private torture chamber. Can I do anything to make you quite comfortable? You have only to mention it.
Edstaston Have you any back teeth?
Naryshkin Surprised. Why?
Edstaston His Majesty King George the Third will send for six of them when the news of this reaches London; so look out, damn your eyes!
Naryshkin Frightened. Oh, I assure you I am only obeying my orders. Personally I abhor torture, and would save you if I could. But the Empress is proud; and what woman would forgive the slight you put upon her?
Edstaston As I said before: Damn your eyes!
Naryshkin Almost in tears. Well, it isn’t my fault. To the soldiers, insolently. You know your orders? You remember what you have to do when the Empress gives you the word? The soldiers salute in assent.
Naryshkin* passes through the curtains, admitting a blare of music and a strip of the brilliant white candlelight from the chandeliers in the ballroom as he does so. The white light vanishes and the music is muffled as the curtains fall together behind him. Presently the band stops abruptly; and Naryshkin comes back through the curtains. He makes a warning gesture to the soldiers, who stand at attention. Then he moves the curtain to allow Catherine* to enter. She is in full Imperial regalia, and stops sternly just where she has entered. The soldiers fall on their knees.
Catherine Obey your orders.
The soldiers seize Edstaston, and throw him roughly at the feet of the Empress.
Catherine Looking down coldly on him. Also the German word, you have put me to the trouble of sending for you twice. You had better have come the first time.
Edstaston Exsufflicate, and pettishly angry. I haven’t come either time. I’ve been carried. I call it infernal impudence.
Catherine Take care what you say.
Edstaston No use. I daresay you look very majestic and very handsome; but I can’t see you; and I am not intimidated. I am an Englishman; and you can kidnap me; but you can’t bully me.
Naryshkin Remember to whom you are speaking.
Catherine Violently, furious at his intrusion. Remember that dogs should be dumb. He shrivels. And do you, Captain, remember that famous as I am for my clemency, there are limits to the patience even of an Empress.
Edstaston How is a man to remember anything when he is trussed up in this ridiculous fashion? I can hardly breathe. He makes a futile struggle to free himself. Here: don’t be unkind, your Majesty: tell these fellows to unstrap me. You know you really owe me an apology.
Catherine You think you can escape by appealing, like Prince Patiomkin, to my sense of humor?
Edstaston Sense of humor! Ho! Ha, ha! I like that. Would anybody with a sense of humor make a guy of a man like this, and then expect him to take it seriously? I say: do tell them to loosen these straps.
Catherine Seating herself. Why should I, pray?
Edstaston Why! Why!! Why, because they’re hurting me.
Catherine People sometimes learn through suffering. Manners, for instance.
Edstaston Oh, well, of course, if you’re an ill-natured woman, hurting me on purpose, I have nothing more to say.
Catherine A monarch, sir, has sometimes to employ a necessary and salutary severity⁠—
Edstaston Interrupting her petulantly. Quack! quack! quack!
Catherine Donnerwetter!
Edstaston Continuing recklessly. This isn’t severity: it’s tomfoolery. And if you think it’s reforming my character or teaching me anything, you’re mistaken. It may be a satisfaction to you; but if it is, all I can say is that it’s not an amiable satisfaction.
Catherine Turning suddenly and balefully on Naryshkin. What are you grinning at?
Naryshkin Falling on his knees in terror. Be merciful, Little Mother. My heart is in my mouth.
Catherine Your heart and your mouth will be in two separate parts of your body if you again forget in whose presence you stand. Go. And take your men with you. Naryshkin crawls to the door. The soldiers rise. Stop. Roll that *indicating Edstaston nearer. The soldiers obey. Not so close. Did I ask you for a footstool? She pushes Edstaston* away with her foot.
Edstaston With a sudden squeal. Agh!!! I must really ask your Majesty not to put the point of your Imperial toe between my ribs. I am ticklesome.
Catherine Indeed? All the more reason for you to treat me with respect, Captain. To the others. Begone. How many times must I give an order before it is obeyed?
Naryshkin Little Mother: they have brought some instruments of torture. Will they be needed?
Catherine Indignantly. How dare you name such abominations to a Liberal Empress? You will always be a savage and a fool, Naryshkin. These relics of barbarism are buried, thank God, in the grave of Peter the Great. My methods are more civilized. She extends her toe towards Edstaston’s ribs.
Edstaston Shrieking hysterically. Yagh! Ah! Furiously. If your Majesty does that again I will write to the London Gazette.
Catherine To the soldiers. Leave us. Quick! do you hear? Five thousand blows of the stick for the soldier who is in the room when I speak next. The soldiers rush out. Naryshkin: are you waiting to be knouted? Naryshkin backs out hastily.
Catherine* and Edstaston are now alone. Catherine* has in her hand a sceptre or baton of gold. Wrapped round it is a new pamphlet, in French, entitled L’Homme aux Quarante Ecus. She calmly unrolls this and begins to read it at her ease as if she were quite alone. Several seconds elapse in dead silence. She becomes more and more absorbed in the pamphlet, and more and more amused by it.
Catherine Greatly pleased by a passage, and turning over the leaf. Ausgezeiehnet!
Edstaston Ahem!
Silence. Catherine reads on.
Catherine Wie komisch!
Edstaston Ahem! ahem!
Silence.
Catherine Soliloquizing enthusiastically. What a wonderful author is Monsieur Voltaire! How lucidly he exposes the folly of this crazy plan for raising the entire revenue of the country from a single tax on land! how he withers it with his irony! how he makes you laugh whilst he is convincing you! how sure one feels that the proposal is killed by his wit and economic penetration: killed never to be mentioned again among educated people!
Edstaston For Heaven’s sake, Madam, do you intend to leave me tied up like this while you discuss the blasphemies of that abominable infidel? Agh!! She has again applied her toe. Oh! Oo!
Catherine Calmly. Do I understand you to say that Monsieur Voltaire is a great philanthropist and a great philosopher as well as the wittiest man in Europe?
Edstaston Certainly not. I say that his books ought to be burnt by the common hangman. Her toe touches his ribs. Yagh! Oh don’t. I shall faint. I can’t bear it.
Catherine Have you changed your opinion of Monsieur Voltaire?
Edstaston But you can’t expect me as a member of the Church of England she tickles him⁠—Agh! Ow! Oh Lord! he is anything you like. He is a philanthropist, a philosopher, a beauty: he ought to have a statue, damn him! She tickles him. No! bless him! save him victorious, happy and glorious! Oh, let eternal honors crown his name: Voltaire thrice worthy on the rolls of fame! Exhausted. Now will you let me up? And look here! I can see your ankles when you tickle me: it’s not ladylike.
Catherine Sticking out her toe and admiring it critically. Is the spectacle so disagreeable?
Edstaston It’s agreeable enough; only with intense expression for heaven’s sake don’t touch me in the ribs.
Catherine Putting aside the pamphlet. Captain Edstaston, why did you refuse to come when I sent for you?
Edstaston Madam: I cannot talk tied up like this.
Catherine Do you still admire me as much as you did this morning?
Edstaston How can I possibly tell when I can’t see you? Let me get up and look. I can’t see anything now except my toes and yours.
Catherine Do you still intend to write to the London Gazette about me?
Edstaston Not if you will loosen these straps. Quick: loosen me. I’m fainting.
Catherine I don’t think you are. Tickling him.
Edstaston Agh! Cat!
Catherine What! She tickles him again.
Edstaston With a shriek. No: angel, angel!
Catherine Tenderly. Geliebter!
Edstaston I don’t know a word of German; but that sounded kind. Becoming hysterical. Little Mother, beautiful little darling angel mother: don’t be cruel: untie me. Oh, I beg and implore you. Don’t be unkind. I shall go mad.
Catherine You are expected to go mad with love when an Empress deigns to interest herself in you. When an Empress allows you to see her foot you should kiss it. Captain Edstaston: you are a booby.
Edstaston Indignantly. I am nothing of the kind. I have been mentioned in dispatches as a highly intelligent officer. And let me warn your Majesty that I am not so helpless as you think. The English Ambassador is in that ballroom. A shout from me will bring him to my side; and then where will your Majesty be?
Catherine I should like to see the English Ambassador or anyone else pass through that curtain against my orders. It might be a stone wall ten feet thick. Shout your loudest. Sob. Curse. Scream. Yell. She tickles him unmercifully.
Edstaston Frantically. Ahowyow!!!! Agh! Ooh! Stop! Oh Lord! Ya-a-a-ah! A tumult in the ballroom responds to his cries.
Voices from the Ballroom Stand back. You cannot pass. Hold her back there. The Empress’s orders. It is out of the question. No, little darling, not in there. Nobody is allowed in there. You will be sent to Siberia. Don’t let her through there, on your life. Drag her back. You will be knouted. It is hopeless, Mademoiselle: you must obey orders. Guard there! Send some men to hold her.
Claire’s Voice Let me go. They are torturing Charles in there. I will go. How can you all dance as if nothing was happening? Let me go, I tell you. Let⁠—me⁠—go. She dashes through the curtain. No one dares follow her.
Catherine Rising in wrath. How dare you?
Claire Recklessly. Oh, dare your grandmother! Where is my Charles? What are they doing to him?
Edstaston Shouting. Claire: loosen these straps, in Heaven’s name. Quick.
Claire Seeing him and throwing herself on her knees at his side. Oh, how dare they tie you up like that! To Catherine. You wicked wretch! You Russian savage! She pounces on the straps, and begins unbuckling them.
Catherine Conquering herself with a mighty effort. Now self-control. Self-control, Catherine. Philosophy. Europe is looking on. She forces herself to sit down.
Edstaston Steady, dearest: it is the Empress. Call her your Imperial Majesty. Call her Star of the North, Little Mother, Little Darling: that’s what she likes; but get the straps off.
Claire Keep quiet, dear: I cannot get them off if you move.
Catherine Calmly. Keep quite still, Captain. She tickles him.
Edstaston Ow! Agh! Ahowyow!
Claire Stopping dead in the act of unbuckling the straps and turning sick with jealousy as she grasps the situation. Was that what I thought was your being tortured?
Catherine Urbanely. That is the favorite torture of Catherine the Second, Mademoiselle. I think the Captain enjoys it very much.
Claire Then he can have as much more of it as he wants. I am sorry I intruded. She rises to go.
Edstaston Catching her train in his teeth and holding on like a bulldog. Don’t go. Don’t leave me in this horrible state. Loosen me. This is what he is saying: but as he says it with the train in his mouth it is not very intelligible.
Claire Let go. You are undignified and ridiculous enough yourself without making me ridiculous. She snatches her train away.
Edstaston Ow! You’ve nearly pulled my teeth out: you’re worse than the Star of the North. To Catherine. Darling Little Mother: you have a kind heart, the kindest in Europe. Have pity. Have mercy. I love you. Claire bursts into tears. Release me.
Catherine Well, just to show you how much kinder a Russian savage can be than an English one (though I am sorry to say I am a German) here goes! She stoops to loosen the straps.
Claire Jealously. You needn’t trouble, thank you. She pounces on the straps; and the two set Edstaston free between them. Now get up, please; and conduct yourself with some dignity if you are not utterly demoralized.
Edstaston Dignity! Ow! I can’t. I’m stiff all over. I shall never be able to stand up again. Oh Lord! how it hurts! They seize him by the shoulders and drag him up. Yah! Agh! Wow! Oh! Mmmmmm! Oh, Little Angel Mother, don’t ever do this to a man again. Knout him; kill him; roast him; baste him; head, hang, and quarter him; but don’t tie him up like that and tickle him.
Catherine Your young lady still seems to think that you enjoyed it.
Claire I know what I think. I will never speak to him again. Your Majesty can keep him, as far as I am concerned.
Catherine I would not deprive you of him for worlds; though really I think he’s rather a darling. She pats his cheek.
Claire Snorting. So I see, indeed.
Edstaston Don’t be angry, dearest: in this country everybody’s a darling. I’ll prove it to you. To Catherine. Will your Majesty be good enough to call Prince Patiomkin?
Catherine Surprised into haughtiness. Why?
Edstaston To oblige me.
Catherine laughs good-humoredly and goes to the curtains and opens them. The band strikes up a Redowa.
Catherine Calling imperiously. Patiomkin! The music stops suddenly. Here! To me! Go on with your music there, you fools. The Redowa is resumed.
The Sergeant rushes from the ballroom to relieve the Empress of the curtain. Patiomkin comes in dancing with Varinka.
Catherine To Patiomkin. The English captain wants you, little darling.
Catherine* resumes her seat as Patiomkin intimates by a grotesque bow that he is at Edstaston’s service. Varinka passes behind Edstaston and Claire, and posts herself on Claire’s* right.
Edstaston Precisely. To Claire. You observe, my love: “little darling.” Well, if her Majesty calls him a darling, is it my fault that she calls me one too?
Claire I don’t care: I don’t think you ought to have done it. I am very angry and offended.
Edstaston They tied me up, dear. I couldn’t help it. I fought for all I was worth.
The Sergeant At the curtains. He fought with the strength of lions and bears. God knows I shall carry a broken sweetbread to my grave.
Edstaston You can’t mean to throw me over, Claire. Urgently. Claire. Claire.
Varinka In a transport of sympathetic emotion, pleading with clasped hands to Claire. Oh, sweet little angel lamb, he loves you: it shines in his darling eyes. Pardon him, pardon him.
Patiomkin Rushing from the Empress’s side to Claire and falling on his knees to her. Pardon him, pardon him, little cherub! little wild duck! little star! little glory! little jewel in the crown of heaven!
Claire This is perfectly ridiculous.