Short Plays · The Fascinating Foundling (2/2) (2/2) (1/2)
Mercer*, an elderly clerk, seated at work. Enter, to him, through the public door, Horace Brabazon*, a smart and beautiful young man of nineteen, dressed in the extremity of fashion, with a walking stick.
Brabazon I want to see the Lord Chancellor.
Mercer Have you an appointment?
Brabazon No.
Mercer Then you can’t see the Lord Chancellor.
Brabazon I tell you I must see him.
Mercer I tell you you cant. Look here: do you think the Lord Chancellor’s a palmist or a hair doctor that people can rush in out of the street and see him whenever they want to?
Brabazon That speech was meant to insult and humiliate me. I make it a rule to fight people who attempt to insult and humiliate me. Throwing away his stick. Put up your hands. He puts up his own.
Mercer Here: you let me alone. You leave this office, d’ye hear; or I’ll have the police in on you.
Brabazon You are face to face with your destiny; and your destiny is to fight me. Be quick: I’m going to begin. Don’t look pale: I scorn to take you by surprise. I shall lead off with my left on your right eye. Put them up.
Mercer I ain’t going to fight you. Let me alone, will you? I said nothing to you.
Brabazon Liar and slave. Fight, I tell you: fight.
Mercer Oh, was there ever the like of this? Don’t make such a noise.
Brabazon I’m making it on purpose. I want you to fight because it’ll make more noise than anything else. The Lord Chancellor will come to see what the noise is about if only it’s loud enough. Time! He spars.
Mercer Retreating to the fireplace and snatching up the poker. Ah, would you? You come near me, and I’ll split your head open, I will.
Brabazon Snatching up the tongs, and engaging him in a stage fight of the noisiest. Lay on, Macduff; and damned be he that first cries Hold! Enough!
The Lord Chancellor enters indignantly.
The Lord Chancellor What’s this? Who is this gentleman?
Brabazon The Lord Chancellor. Good. To Mercer. Hence, horrible shadow: unreal mockery, hence. My lord, I have called on professional business. In the matter of Brabazon, an infant.
The Lord Chancellor If you are a solicitor, sir, you must be aware that this is not the proper way to approach the Court.
Brabazon I approach you as the father of all the orphans in Chancery.
The Lord Chancellor Sir⁠—
Brabazon Don’t fly out: I’ll explain everything. You remember the matter of Brabazon, an infant. Come, now! frankly as man to man you do remember the matter of Brabazon, an infant.
The Lord Chancellor There is such a case, I believe.
Brabazon Of course there is. Well, I’m the infant. I’m Brabazon. I’ll call thee Hamlet! King! father! Royal Dane: wilt thou not answer me? Prosaically. Now you see, don’t you?
The Lord Chancellor You are young Horace Brabazon, are you?
Brabazon I am, my lord. Such is life!
The Lord Chancellor You are a ward of the Court; and you have systematically disobeyed every order made in your case.
Brabazon The orders were unreasonable. Fatuous, in fact.
The Lord Chancellor Sir⁠—
Brabazon Let me explain. One of the orders was that I was to go into the Church.
The Lord Chancellor At your own desire.
Brabazon Exactly. But I should not have been indulged. I was too young. How did I know what was good for me? I put it to you as one man to another: do I look like an archbishop?
The Lord Chancellor Stuff, sir.
Brabazon As you say, nothing could have been more idiotic. You ought to have known better. No: the Church is not in my line. Nature intended me for the stage. The Unreal Mockery here was practising Macduff with me when you came in. Now what I want to know is, can you get me an engagement. As your ward, I have a right to expect that of you. You must know lots of people who could give me a start. And there’s another thing: very important. I⁠—Oh, by the way, won’t you sit down? Excuse me keeping you standing all this time. Macduff: a chair.
The Lord Chancellor With ironic politeness. You are too good. He sits down.
Brabazon Don’t mention it. Well, you know: I want some good home influence to steady me. You see you can’t steady me: you’re too much occupied here with your shop: besides, you may shake a loose leg yourself occasionally for all the public knows, eh? Even if you are virtuous, I should probably lead you astray. No: what I want is a wife. Not a young woman, you know. Someone old enough to be my mother: say thirty or so. I adore a mature woman. Not old enough to be your mother, you understand: old enough to be my mother. I attach some importance to that distinction; so be good enough to bear it in mind. One mustn’t overdo these notions.
The Lord Chancellor Mr. Mercer, will you be good enough to make a careful note of this gentleman’s requirements: an engagement at a leading theatre to play Macbeth, and a wife of quiet habits and grave disposition. Anything else, Mr. Brabazon?
Brabazon Nothing today, thank you. And now, I know better than to take up the time of a busy man. Happy to have made your acquaintance. So long! Ta, ta, Macduff.
He goes out.
The Lord Chancellor What do you mean by letting this lunatic in, Mr. Mercer? I’m extremely annoyed.
Mercer I didn’t let him in, my lord. He came in. I was keeping him from you at the risk of my life when you came in to ask what the noise was.
The Lord Chancellor With emotion. My faithful Mercer.
Mercer My honored master. They shake hands, weeping.
The Lord Chancellor We were happy together until this man came between us.
Mercer Let us try to forget him, my lord. Turns to his desk and sees Brabazon’s walking stick on the floor. My lord, he has left his walking stick behind. He will return for it. Let us fly. He picks it up and puts it on the desk.
The Lord Chancellor Nonsense, Mercer: we have no aeroplane; and if we had we shouldn’t know how to use it. Hark! A visitor at the door. They both rush to it. The handle is turned. Tell him we have both gone out.
Mercer Useless, my lord: he is a man of strong reasoning powers: he would conclude, on hearing our voices, that we were both within.
A Woman’s Voice Is anybody there? Let me in. She rattles the door.
The Lord Chancellor That is the voice of a young and probably beautiful woman.
Mercer It is, my lord.
The Lord Chancellor Then why the dickens don’t you open the door instead of striking melodramatic attitudes? How dare you keep the lady waiting? I’m very much annoyed.
Mercer I’m sorry, my lord. He opens the door.
Anastasia Vulliamy enters.
Anastasia To Mercer. Is this the Lord Chancellor’s?
Mercer Yes.
Anastasia Sir Cardonius Boshington’s?
Mercer Yes, ma’am.
Anastasia Are you the Lord Chancellor?
Mercer No, ma’am. Leastways, not yet.
Anastasia What are you?
Mercer I’m the Lord Chancellor’s⁠—
Anastasia Secretary?
Mercer Well, hardly that, ma’am. If you ask me, I should say I was a sort of what you might call a clerk-valet to his lordship.
Anastasia Are you a gentleman?
Mercer Staggered. Well, that’s a poser, Miss, really. I’m in a manner of speaking a gentleman.
Anastasia In what manner of speaking are you a gentleman?
Mercer Well, Miss, I’m a gentleman to my tobacconist. Every man is a gentleman to his tobacconist. The parliamentary candidate for Hornsey always addresses me as a gentleman. But then he ain’t particular: leastways, not at election times. You see, Miss, there are three classes of gentry in this country.
Anastasia Only three?
Mercer Only three, ma’am.
Anastasia How do you tell one from the other?
Mercer You tell by the railway porters, Miss. The real upper class gives them a shilling; the upper middle class sixpence; and the lower middle, tuppence. I give tuppence myself.
Anastasia And which particular class of gentleman is it, pray, that gives a lady a chair?
Mercer Oh, I’m sure I beg your pardon, Miss. He places a chair for her.
Anastasia Thanks. And now will you be good enough to tell Sir Cardonius Boshington that Miss Anastasia Vulliamy wishes to see him?
Mercer To the Lord Chancellor. Miss Anaesthesia Vulliamy, my lord, to see you.
Anastasia Springing up. Do you mean to tell me that this old man in livery is the great Chancellor?
The Lord Chancellor At your service, Miss Vulliamy.
Anastasia Producing a newspaper. Quite impossible. I have here an article on Sir Cardonius, headed Our Great Chancellor; and the description does not correspond in the least. Reading. “No man of our time has succeeded in tempering the awe inspired by a commanding stature and majestic presence with a love and confidence which even the youngest and most timid ward of the Court feels at the sound of his kindly voice and the encouraging beam, twinkling with humor, of his tender grey eyes.” Do you mean to tell me that that’s you?
The Lord Chancellor It is not for me to say how far the description is an accurate or a happy one, madam; but I believe I am the person intended by the writer.
Mercer Producing another paper. Perhaps you’d recognize this better, Miss. Sir Cardonius and me is on opposite sides in politics.
Anastasia Taking the paper and reading at the place he indicates. “How much longer will the nation allow this despicable pantaloon to occupy the woolsack⁠—” What’s the woolsack?
Mercer What the Lord Chancellor sits on in the House of Lords, Miss.
Anastasia Continuing her reading. “whose contents only too strongly resemble those of his own head.” That’s a nasty one, you know: isn’t it? It means that your brains are woolly, doesn’t it?
The Lord Chancellor Its meaning is entirely beneath my notice. I’m surprised, Mercer, to find you in possession of a scurrilous rag of this character. We may differ in our opinions; but if any paper taken in by me were to speak of you in such unbecoming terms, I should never open it again.
Mercer Well, my lord; politics is politics; and after all, what is politics if it isn’t showing up the other side? When I pay a penny for a paper I’ve a right to get value for my money the same as any other man.
Anastasia But I don’t understand. To the Chancellor. Are you a despicable pantaloon? The other paper says your name will be cherished by the warm hearts of the English people when Eldon and Sir Thomas More are forgotten. I thought that whatever is in the papers must be true. How do you explain being a great Chancellor and a despicable pantaloon at the same time?
The Lord Chancellor I take it that the excellent journal from which you first quoted has put all considerations of party aside, and simply endeavored to place before you a dispassionate estimate of such modest services as I have been able to render to my country. The other paper gives you nothing but the vituperative ravings of an illiterate penny-a-liner blinded by party passion.
Mercer You should never read more than one paper, Miss. It unsettles the mind, let alone the waste of a penny.
Anastasia Well, it’s a great relief to me to hear that the Great Chancellor paper is the right one. To the Lord Chancellor. You think I may believe everything it says?
The Lord Chancellor I trust I shall not disappoint any favorable opinion you may have founded on it.
Anastasia It says here that though you are stern with the worthless and merciless to the impostor, yet your mature wisdom and unparalleled legal knowledge are freely at the service of all deserving persons, and that no distressed suitor has ever been turned empty away from your door.
The Lord Chancellor That refers to my private house, madam. I don’t keep food here.
Mercer I have a sandwich for my lunch, Miss. Sooner than send you empty away, I would give it to you, Miss, most joyfully.
Anastasia I ask, not charity, but justice.
The Lord Chancellor Madam: I must request you to speak like a lady and not like a procession of the unemployed. The House of Lords always gives charity and never gives justice.
Mercer The House of Lords will find itself unemployed one of these days, if you ask me.
The Lord Chancellor Silence, Mercer. Have the goodness to keep your Radicalism to yourself in the presence of this lady.
Anastasia Why do you allow your clerk to be a Radical?
The Lord Chancellor Well, madam, to make him a Conservative and an Imperialist I should have to raise his salary very considerably; and I prefer to save money and put up with a Radical.
Anastasia You’ll excuse me asking you all these questions; but as I’ve decided, after what the paper says, that you are the man to advise me and be a father to me, it’s very important that you should be quite all right, isn’t it?
The Lord Chancellor But it’s not my business to be a father to every young lady who walks into my office.
Anastasia Not your business! Why, Whitaker’s Almanac says you get £5,000 a year. You don’t get that for nothing, I suppose. To Mercer. By the way, Whitaker doesn’t say how much you get.
Mercer I get one-fifty.
Anastasia One-fifty into £5,000 goes about thirty-three times. Why does he get thirty-three times as much as you? Is he thirty-three times as good?
Mercer He thinks so.
The Lord Chancellor I set up no such ridiculous pretension, Mercer.
Anastasia To the Lord Chancellor. Perhaps you’re thirty-three times as sober. How much do you drink every day?
The Lord Chancellor I am almost a teetotaller. A single bottle of burgundy is quite sufficient for me.
Anastasia To Mercer. Then I suppose you drink thirty-three bottles of burgundy a day.
Mercer Thirty-three bottles of burgundy a day on one-fifty a year! Not me. It hardly runs to beer on Sundays.
Anastasia Well, there must be something awfully wrong about you, you know, if you get only the thirty-third of what he gets.
The Lord Chancellor No, madam, Mercer is an excellent man in his proper place.
Anastasia Then there must be something awfully right about you.
The Lord Chancellor I hope so.
Anastasia I don’t see the difference myself.
Mercer He’s better fed.
Anastasia Is he? I should have thought he was too red about the nose to be quite healthy. It’s the burgundy, I expect. However, I didn’t come here to talk about you two. Call it selfish if you will; but I came to talk about myself. The fact is, I’m an orphan. At least, I think I am.
The Lord Chancellor Don’t you know?
Anastasia No. I was brought up in what you might politely call a sort of public institution. They found me on the doorstep, you know. Might have happened to anybody, mightnt it?
Mercer Scandalized. And you have the audacity to come here and talk up to us as if you was a lady. Be off with you; and be ashamed of yourself, you hussy.
The Lord Chancellor Gently, Mercer, gently. It is not the poor girl’s fault.
Mercer Not her fault! Why, she ain’t anybody’s daughter: she’s only an offspring.
Anastasia Perhaps I’m his daughter, my lord.
Mercer Oh, you wicked girl! Oh, you naughty story, you! Oh, that I should have lived to have this accusation brought against me: me! a respectable man!
Anastasia I had a feeling the moment I saw you.
The Lord Chancellor The voice of Nature! Oh, Mercer, Mercer!
Mercer I’ll have the law of you for this, I will. Oh, say you don’t believe her, my lord. Don’t drive me mad. Say you don’t believe her.
The Lord Chancellor I can’t disregard the voice of Nature, Mercer. The evidence against you is very black.